It’s vacation time, but what do you do, if you do not like your partner’s children?
The summer vacation is approaching and you feel the unrest and resistance grow. You are uneasy about spending the summer vacation with your partner’s children.
Fact is that you do not like them and would rather not spend your vacation time with them.
You are in love with your boyfriend/girlfriend, but do not feel any affection towards his/her kids.
Fact is that children are part of the package in many cases. They are not a conscious option, but they are part of the package, which means that there are other rules that apply here.
Do not expect miracles in terms of mutual feelings, you and your fusion kids “should” have towards each other. Understand and accept that it will take time and effort to get the relationship with the children to work, so it will be bearable for you all.
You should expect this to be a long process. But be ready to show willingness to take responsibility and care of the children, even though there is no “great love” between you.
You can choose to view the upcoming summer vacation as a source for your personal development. You can practice expanding your limits.
Let it be your goal to spend the summer without an eternal inner resistance to the kids. Anger and irritation are like drinking poison and expecting the other die. I think it’s worth remembering that it would just drain your energy.
I would recommend that you try to be introspective in order to find the real source from which your irritation stems.
YOU CAN START BY ASKING YOURSELF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
• Does your boyfriend/girlfriend demand respect from the children also in regards to their behavior towards you and does he/she back you up properly?
• Are you jealous? Do the children take too much time/room? Do you feel neglected?
• Are you angry at yourself that you are not doing well enough?
• Do you not meet your own expectations of yourself in the given situation?
• Is there anything in their upbringing, which can cause children’s annoying behavior? And it is something that can be changed?
• Are the children trying to achieve something specific with their behavior?
• Are the kids jealous of you?
If you answer the questions above honestly (even if you are embarrassed) you can take responsibility and do something about it. Take responsibility instead of pointing fingers, and gently explain to your boyfriend/girlfriend how you feel and what you need from him/her, so that your experience with the children will be more pleasant.
INVEST IN YOUR STEPCHILD
Your relationship with the child may benefit from taking a small trip together and be able to really experience the child’s personality beyond the already established role in the blended family. The change of finding out whether it is the child’s role or the child’s perception of his/her role in the family, which is why you object, is possible.
If your impression of the child is surprising and more positive, you may find it easier to identify the source of your resistance. By deliberately changing the facts/things that could move your relationship in the positive direction, you have both helped the child to be more comfortable in his/her role in the family and in his/her relationship with you. If the child is behaving differently than usual, you will also react differently than usual. New input creates new output.
WHAT IF THE KIDS ARE REALLY ANNOYING DUE TO LOCK OF DISCIPLINE?
It is quite natural that you become irritated or angry at your boyfriend/girlfriend’s children. Do not blame yourself, and if it is not an isolated case, but an increasing irritation, you have to do something about it, you need to discuss it with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
If you act furiously and show your dismay over their children’s behavior your boyfriend/ girlfriend will most likely immediately take the children’s side.
You get nothing out of it and it only creates distance between the two of you. Wait till you calm down and then talk about it later on in a solution-oriented and welcoming tone.
It is worth remembering that the only thing your boyfriend/girlfriend wants you to like his/her children.
It is a good idea when you initiate the difficult conversations to mention something positive about the children. Something they have done or said that you like.
This provides a better foundation for addressing the difficult conversation about what you want changed.
It is not the easiest conversation to have, but it can be done, if you remember to stay on impartial and speak from the heart and not from anger.