She had been so ‘thoughtless’ to ask her boyfriend how his ex-wife looked like, to which he honestly replied – “She’s beautiful.”
The answer struck her out completely, but she did not stop there. She also asked to ex-wife’s figure and was told that it was what you would probably called the ideal female body.
THE “INNOCENT” ISSUES
In itself an innocent question, as her boyfriend – unaware of the pervasive impact and still in a good mood – honestly answered.
My friend heard more than the phrase – “She is beautiful and has an ideal body.” She also “heard” her boyfriend say – “She’s beautiful, and you are not. She has the perfect body, and you don’t. I have to settle with you. If you want to keep me, you have to do something about yourself, otherwise I will leave you. ”
Do you recognize the feeling of having asked that question about your boyfriend’s ex and not want to hear the answer or know the truth about? (I can tell you it took my girlfriend more than half a year before she made peace with the answers.)
I can! I’ve done it again and again.
Isn’t it interesting? Although I should know better, I often fall into the
Because we will seek confirmation of our own worth and our boyfriend’s love for us through his-hopefully – criticism of the ex because we compare ourselves to her. We need to know that he wants us MORE than he ever wanted her.
She was better at cooking than us?
Was she better at sex than us?
She was more successful than us? etc.
Does our boyfriend in reality really
like his ex better? Maybe he wants her back.
STOP THOSE THOUGHTS
The concepts about the ex can be so overwhelming that they feel real. But it is
fare from reality. They are simply a product of our imagination.
The good thing is that you can do something about it. You can start practicing being a curious observer instead of an obsessed lover.
What actually happens inside my head?
Ask yourself the following questions:
• What did my boyfriend really say/do?
• What are the facts here?
• Is there anything I need to say to my boyfriend about my feelings?
• What do I need for my boyfriend do/say so I can get rid of those feeling?
• What can I do right now to change the focus?
You can practice being aware and honest about what is going on. When you finish this exercise you must do something for yourself, something that makes you happy.
Practice how to ask for a compliment from your boyfriend if you feel that you are about to turn into “ex-monster” person.