WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I INTERRUPT A DISCUSSION YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE HAVING AND I ASK YOU: “WHAT DID YOUR PARTNER JUST SAY?” OR I ASK YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU JUST HAVE SAID.
Most likely your answer is that you don’t know. You did not listen, because you are both concerned about the next argument. In leading a monologue, where both are pretending to be occupied by the issues, that got the discussion out of hand.
The discussion is going nowhere. No one listen. You are only concerned about being right. Both of you. A prosecutor. A defender. The roles are interchangeable. We go in circles. Over and over again.
We get NOWHERE, neither AGAINST or WITH EACH OTHER. And we do NOT develop as partners. But we pretend we are fighting for the relationship. And justice for ourselves. On behalf of “Fair Play” and for a complicated point system, that only you (and I) know the details of :-).
Far behind the things that got it all to culminate, the truth lies hidden. The seed of our pain. The real reason for the discussion: There is a need we have not yet satisfied, and we now project it onto our partner.
All of us (almost) all do this. I do it. My husband does it. We are not communicating our needs LOVINGLY, CLEARLY and PRECISE. Earlier. Before the discussion.
Let’s pause and reflect on what it really is all about. Deep inside. For it is never about the laundry. The laundry is only a symptom.
But why is it so difficult for us to communicate clearly and honestly, WHAT we want and HOW we want it? And WITHOUT our mile-long explanations which nobody around us has the energy to listen to (not even ourselves).
Because we will not stand up for ourselves. Take leadership. So we hide. Convolute issues. Confrontational. Prosecutorial. Indirectly. Or we say: our partner can damn well figure it out … I should not have to explain… .. (fill in the blank yourself ).
The reason is that we do not want our emotions exposed. We do not dare to stand up for who we really are. Deep inside. Because we are not always perfect and polished. We are afraid to look at your innermost selves. For we believe that part of us is unlovable. And do not tolerate daylight.
What is so crazy is what we are trying to cover up, our partner (and the world around us) have already discovered. They know it very well! They sense it already from our energy! We cannot hide things. The energy behind it speaks always louder than our words.
Therefore, there’s really NOTHING to “reveal” about the way we are and the way we feel. It is a concoction. An ego-strategy.
We can confidently train ourselves to tell our partner (and others we have relationships with) what we want and how we want things. Lovingly, clearly and precise. Completely without condescending!
And while we’re at it, let us also decide to resign from our dysfunctional communication patterns:
- The role of being a victim (having pity on ourselves)
- The role of being a martyr (I do whatever I want to do)
- The use of guilt and shame (I can’t believe he did that, I have done so much)
- The use of power (I won’t give up until I get what I want)
- The use of rightfulness (… I fight like my life depends on it ….)
But instead, let it be our common goal to communicate LOVINGLY, CLEARLY and PRECISE in our relationships. They will love us for it.