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When Fear of losing Love Makes Us Boundless

We do not set boundaries. At the moment. Even though we recognize it, we should do so. We let it go. Although the experience takes hold of us, we allow it, without standing up for ourselves.

We trivialize it, as “it’s nothing,” “it is not so important”, “it does not matter,” “she is right and I get peace.” We’re lying about the incident. To ourselves.

You may experience it with your mother? With your children? Your friend? Your boyfriend? The feeling is the same even though the source is different.

Towards special people in our lives we find it hard to say no. We are afraid of their reaction. In order that they would withdraw from us. Push us away. And shut down their love.

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We smile and continue with the conflict, we do not dare to face it outwardly, now instead it has started inwardly.

It will be unsafe for everyone involved when we cannot rely on the answers we get and give. There must be congruence between what we think, feel and say if it should feel good.

For the energy behind always speaks louder than your words.

 

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IT’S OK TO TAKE CARE OF OWN NEEDS AND SET BOUNDARIES
Our story regarding not disappointing our mother or children is not true. They can handle our response. It’s about us. We cannot handle the emotions that arise within us when we are witnessing others’ response to our answer.

Therefore, we often rather undermine ourselves and our own bordaries, than we will stand for others.

When you cross your own boundaries or agree to something that is not ok with you, then your subtle energy speakslouder than the action itself. Your mother notice it. Your children will feel it.

Each one of them concludes something about you or about themselves. Whatever the conclusion, it comes between you.

It is not beneficial for a close, honest and loving relationship.

Therefore, we must exert ourselves by being honest with ourselves and set boundaries in a clear and loving way.

Without doing others wrong.
Without defending or explaining ourselves.
Without wanting to (try) to control the reactions of others, so it is consistent with our expectations.

Indeed, it is the real challenge here is; We spend SO much (wasted) energy wondering about other people’s behavior and reaction, when the only interesting question really is: What how do other people’s reactions make me feel? How do they mirror what is happening to me?

It is deeply healing using our relationships that way.

Do you get done what you want in your life? Are you in an action-SPIRAL or in a inertia-SPIRAL?

Most of us know deep down what is good for us. What is needed, is that we have the optimum in all our areas of life.

We know what and how to eat.
We know how to work-out.
We know if the job we have, has been nourishing for us, or simply a source of regular income, so we can “survive”.
We know about the relationships we are in, if it makes us more of who we are or less.
We know that the friendships we have, if they are complete us or drain us.
We know about the place we live, if it nourishes or depletes us.
We know whether we are satisfied with the way we fill the roles we have; parent, girlfriend, step-mother, daughter or sister.
We know, if we choose to learn from the life situations we experience, or if we choose to be overthrown or do other wrongs.

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber
We have all the answers we need. We HAVE an overview. We know the “action areas” that need to be taken care of and adjustment. But we have not done anything about it. The days go by. Tomorrow I will do something about it. On Monday I will. Next year THEN I will take action.

When we do something, it’s often all or nothing. We keep at it for a few months. Then we are back. In a blistering ACTION SPIRAL or a massive INERTIA SPIRAL.

WHY? I think it is based on several things:

The desired result. Our “WHY” (do something about it) is not motivating enough or defined by anything outside ourselves. Society. Traditions. The family. Norms. Should and would.

We have become “addicted” to emotions. The familiar is safe for us, EVEN though it is bad and destructive for us. We are not accustomed to feeling good in all life areas. We are confident with our mediocre satisfaction. We talk with friends about it. We find comfort in what is hard and unfair.

We do not want to take responsibility for our lives, because we can not foresee the consequences. We are trying to figure out what will happen, IF we do something about things. It overwhelms us and makes us paralyzed, so we stay where we are. And perhaps numb out to keep going.

Are you at all WORTHY of The Good Life? Is it ok that someone like you is doing well, or does it fit with the story you created about, what you can accomplish in this life? The stories we tell ourselves are very important for what we imagine we can accomplish (and are worthy) of anything and everything in our lives. Is YOUR life story supportive or abhorrent?
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Maybe you are thinking: It is not normal for me to feel good. There has been SO much bad in my life, that I no longer believe that something positive will happen to me! I have given up. Just trying to survive as best as I can. To you I would say: You CANNOT be POWERFUL and a VICTIM simultaneously. You have to choose. You can ALWAYS choose to go down the drain with your life situation or emerge through it – with an open or a closed heart. Know that love really is the only thing. EVERYTHING else is the ego’s fear talking. We choose whether we are listening. Although it is unconscious.

Are you trying to imagine WHO you will be if you take 100% responsibility for all your life areas working optimally? The answer may seem daunting to many of us. Who or what can you say GOODBYE to, if you demand the best for yourself in your life? What kind of opposition from others would occur, if you did something about it? What impact would it have on you? The answer seems overwhelming, so we remain who we are.

Perhaps in your reality, you do NOT know anyone who does not have drama in some area of their lives. Who do you even talk to and about what, if complaining or drama is not in the game? Are you lonely? Who can you talk to about your desires and wishes, when you decide to create the best life you can possibly have?

Charlotte Egemar Kaaber Family Mentor
I was at the funeral last week. My wonderful, loving second-cousin. 46 years old. With three small children. Suddenly she was removed from this earth. Unexpectedly and suddenly.

It made a deep impression on me.

I always think I have tomorrow. Or Monday. Or next year. But I do not actually know.

I magine how my second-cousin in the coffin is looking back at her life.

Her loved ones. Her footsteps. Her contributions to the world. To other people. Was she proud and happy about the life she had created? I hope she saw how many people who had come to say thank you and goodbye. She was loved. By so many. She had played her role of a lifetime so incredibly beautiful.

Nothing like death trigger reflections on life!

I looked at my own life. Am I happy and proud? Today? Right now? Although I hope for tomorrow. And yet another Monday. And a next year. Is there something I would like to change?

The answer is YES, there IS something I want to do something about. In respect for myself. And to support myself in the “version” I want to be, I now walk the steps.
One small step at a time.

It need not be large, hard step I take, but small loving step in the direction that nourishes me and where I am proud of myself.

Which tiny steps can YOU make today, so that you can become your future self? And again tomorrow?

Let us reach for the stars.
Let us inspire each other to turn the inertia spiral into a loving and nourishing action spiral, so we do not settle.
Let’s talk solutions instead of problems.
Let us strive to create harmonious fusion families instead of discordant (by doing what it takes).
Let’s talk possibilities instead of limitations.
Let’s rewrite an inhibitory life story into a supporting one.
Let us open our hearts again and again, EVEN when life challenges us.

 

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber

Let’s squeeze as much joy and love out of life as we can.

This also applies to the love of ourselves.

Let us use death as a memorial to Celebrate Life. Every day.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Miracles Happen When the Emotion of The Blended Family Is Used As a Catalyst For Personal Growth.

Fusion family or not, everybody wants the same; a nourishing relationship with their family. Being in a family where there’s okay to be who you are. Where love is unconditional and not dependent on how you behave and what you do. To know you are loved no matter what.

Projections and arguments accumulated to win the battle
I know that life in many blended families is dominated by quarrels and conflicts. Blame and projections, arguments accumulated and all energy are put into making the other part feel guilty. The battle to win is intense.

This way you will not get the result you want. Therefore, it is advisable to adjust towards the desirable outcome. What do you want more of? And what do you want less of? Find out what to change in order to get another and better result. Without change there is no gain. What you focus on you get more of.

Conflicts as an opportunity for personal growth
I will suggest a different path, a method that transforms the way of viewing the world. It requires that you are ready to take 100 % responsibility for your feelings. Consider conflict as an opportunity for personal growth. And stop asking your family members to change themselves.

Everyone in your blended family can be allowed to be who he/she is. No need to change themselves, to make others comfortable.

This method requires in its simplicity that you consciously choose to use the family as a mirror.

The point is that you are triggered by something. Instead of responding to the outside, look at the situation as a catalyst for a new awareness. Choose to see the situation as a mirror that shows an imbalance or a part of yourself, that now has the opportunity to get integrated or balanced.

The family members reflect the development issues
Let me give an example: The man in the blended family is really good at relaxing and enjoying himself whereas the woman feels she is constantly working and fixing things around the house. When the man’s “laziness” triggers her, she can instead of cursing him out and making him in the wrong, use the situation to grow and change.

She can ask herself: What does my husband show me, is it something I do myself and should stop doing? Or is it something I need to do myself?

The woman is being triggered by the man because he reflects a development issue. That she needs to relax more. When she gets the “mirror lesson” she should take responsibility to give herself what she needs.

Sometimes the mirrors which are held up are not quite identical. Sometimes you have to look carefully for the reflection.

For example, if one of the kids are yelling and screaming really loud, you immediately want to ask the child to quiet down because you cannot stand it. Again, ask yourself: Does the child show me something I do myself and should stop doing? Or is it something I also need to do? What do the emotions mean? What do they tell me?

In this case it could mean that you have been raised by parents who taught you that it is not okay to shout and scream and especially not in front of others. Therefore you may have for years swallowed your feelings and not expressed them.

The child mirror you and you now have a chance to heal that side of you. You need to practice expressing your feelings.

If you choose to consider your family and the world in this way, then it’s fun to live. Instead of making others wrong and ask them to change, you can now choose to look at all situations as an opportunity for growth.

Magically, annoying situations within the family disappear, as soon as you’ve learned the lessons which the mirror shows.

Do you dare being yourself as a stepparent or are you afraid of your stepchildren?


As I sat in my bathtub this morning, I suddenly remembered an episode I experiences years ago with my fusion daughter, which immediately changed my view of my role in her life.

Until that day I had incredibly difficulties saying no to my fusion children Oscar and Andrea. I was somehow afraid of them. Afraid for their response to me. Or more accurately, I was afraid that I would not handle their response in an “adult-like” and authentic manner.

I did not dare to correct them. Instead, I chose to ‘hide’. Oozed and insinuated things. Said things between the lines. If it had been my own boys, I had reprimanded them without hesitation. And without feeling bad about myself.

Very unfairly, I took my irritation out of my own boys, hoping it would rub off on Oscar and Andrea. That they could sense I was irritated and gave them an indirect hint.

It went on like this until the day I looked out the window and saw that Andrea was about to take off on her bike WITHOUT a helmet. I ran out the door and gave her quite a spontaneous bashing, where I clearly explained that I was not going to debate with her whether or not she should ride with or without a helmet!

I gave her the helmet and went back inside. Watched her through the patio door, where she was about to buckle on her helmet firmly. Suddenly I realized to my great surprise, the largest and broadest smile on her face. Super happy she took off.

That smile and that moment made something crystal clear to me. To set boundaries and show how we adults want things to be is to care and it is an expression of love.

I had with my anger and my demands shown Andrea that I loved her. It made her happy and secure.

The episode made me look at and revise my role as parent and fusion parent to all my four children.

I discovered that:
I asked the children too often about their opinions and gave them too many options. Do you like this? Do you like that? Would you like meatballs or chicken? Do you want to go here or there? Etc.

I concluded that:
Children like to have set boundaries, so they know what they are to expect. Everything should not be discussed or negotiated.

The parents (also the fusion parent) should not be afraid to set the agenda. Because when we do that, the children don’t have to try to figure things out, guess, ask or sense what is right or wrong.

When we live up to our roles as parents and clearly define the rules of the game, we give our children space and the right to disagree with us.

The children know where we stand and where they have us. It is in my opinion, security and care. Even if children do not agree and think we are a little tough.

Maybe you can recognize yourself in my story. And let yourself be inspired. For me it was a relief (I also hope for my fusion children) that I found the courage to live up to my role as a parent in their lives.

I’ll give you 3 tips on how you can practice living up to your role as a parent towards your fusion kids.
Remind yourself that practice makes perfect and be kind to yourself if you are a chicken (like I was) and hide from your fusion kids.

Tip 1
Practice with small and easy subjects first e.g. you can start by enforcing the rules at the dinner table.

Tip 2
If you have an issue that is important for you to establish rules about, but you do not really dare to get started, ask your partner to help you along the way. Let him/her be physically next to you, the first few times you introduce them to kids. It will give you peace of mind.

Tip 3
If you are afraid of speaking out, stop and ask yourself, what and why are you afraid of? What are you afraid of would happen, since you do not dare say no? Are you afraid that the children would distance themselves from you? Become mad at you? The fact that your partner might get upset with you? Try to find a way to reduce your anxiety. What can you do creatively not to feel so anxious?

I hope with this blog to have inspired you as a fusion parent and parent to (dare) become even more confident in your role.

Remind yourself that when you are true to yourself and live up to your role, then your kids know exactly what you stand for and how you want things to be.

You make it easier for them when they know the boundaries. They can just concentrate on having a good time. You have set them free.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

 

Do you build your blended family on the feeling of guilt and do your ex’s words have more meaning than yours?

I was happy to have begun writing ‘Check your foundation of your blended family’ for my new digital training for Danish fusion families, when it suddenly dawns on me, why it is sometimes impossible and confusing to get a fusion family to work.

Fortunately, I also know that we can do something about it, if we take the time to pause, reflect, and be honest about our actions or lack thereof.

I found out that we all too often bring own unresolved ‘bagage’ from our past into our new blended family.

With this blog I want to help you get the ‘cleaning-process’ started or at first maybe just create awareness of “yes, yes she is right, maybe I should look at what my actions are based on.”

If you’re ready, the sooner the better (but later is also ok) let’s take a look at the foundation of your blended life.

Become aware of what controls your actions
I would like to ask you something. Do you feel guilty as a parent? Guilty about being divorced? Guilty about having new partner? Guilty about having left your ex?

What you feel guilty about is, initially, not so crucial, you just have to become aware that the feeling of guilt is (still) your ‘companion.’ Even if you lived in your blended family for several years, do not despair when discovering that the guilt is still there. It’s actually quite common.

There is a big difference in how we react when our feeling of guilt influences our actions:

We women might typically transform into the mother hen protecting our children against all ills, all defeats and always trying to save them from evil and not really allow our partner to discipline them. (Even if we know he/she is right in doing so, we do it better!)

The men might typically keep their distance, pretend everything is ok, withdraw and do not really set the necessary limits, neither towards the kids nor their exes all while their partner tells them they are a wimp.

The above two examples are exaggerated, but maybe you feel there is some truth to it or maybe you hear your partner’s voice as you read my words…(sorry.)

Regardless of our reaction patterns, we owe our children and our partner to change these conditions. It requires great courage, I know, but I believe that we can do it. Slowly, little by little we can become better and better at changing the conditions.

Clues to discover how you might compensate and divert
Most of us are, often unconsciously, compensate and sometimes divert when it comes to our children or ex, precisely because we feel guilty. We need immediate relief, even if it is short lived.

It is not sustainable in the long run and cannot form the basis for either a strong relationship or a healthy and honest bond with the children.

It is important for me to emphasize that when we act in accordance to our hearts and innermost values, then the relationship with our beautiful children and new partner will benefit.

So I want you to reflect on the following questions:

First: Are there situations where you don’t discipline the children and just let it go? If you find it difficult to answer, so you may want to compare it with how you would react in the situation, if you were still together with your ex.

Second: When you set boundaries towards your ex, do you find your partner criticizing you for not marking them clearly?

Third: Have you experienced situations, when your partner does not understand why you become defensive when he/she points out that your actions are NOT in the best interest of your fusion family?

Fourth: When you speak with your ex about the kids, are you using the word “WE” about your partner and yourself?. “WE” want the kids to etc. etc. instead of “I” want the kids to……etc. (Consciously using the word “WE” communicates to both to your partner and the world, that you are united)

From the answers to the questions above, I am sure that now you have a pretty good indication of how (or if) your feeling of guilt controls your actions. Then it’s time to do something about it.

What do we communicate to our children and our partner?
If we let guilt about being divorced control our words and actions toward our children, we tell them indirectly that our actions and decision were wrong.

Is this what you truly want to convey? Not very likely.

We must put ourselves behind the wheel of our lives and fully accept the choices we made and the impact they have on both our children and ourselves.

We must comfort the children when they are sad, but also help them realize the benefits they have now and in the long run.

We also have to show our partner, in words and actions, that he/she and the children are the most important thing in our lives now. That we will do everything we can to strengthen our new family and to set the necessary (and reasonable) limits for our children and the ex.

Make peace with the guilty conscience and get behind the wheel of your life.

Now I ask you to stop letting the bad conscience controlling what you do and stop beating yourself up. Praise yourself that you have the courage to read this whole blog. You should be proud of that.

What is done is done and you still cannot change the past, no matter how much your worry about it. Remember the positive outcome of the changes you made and will make in the future.

Your future guidance should now include the following questions:

What would I do and say if I was not divorced? The answers will no longer influences the way you discipline your kids.

If I always have my fusion family’s best interests in mind when I make arrangements with my ex, what is important for me to say in order to make me and my partner appear as a team?

If you’ve read my blog this far, I know you have started pondering that maybe there is something that before was blurred and now has become clear.

If you dare and are ready (otherwise wait few months), then have an honest talk with your partner about how he/she can help to no longer letting you be controlled by the feeling of guilt.

Always show loyalty to your relationship, both in words and actions. Show that your relationship and your family are your first priority…… and …… that the ex can wait until you and your partner decide on whether he/she will be invited over for coffee.

Have a good day. If you like my post please LIKE The Worlds Biggest Fusion Family on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

 

Fill your role as step-parent and feel your eligibility…. straight to the heart.

My husband’s phone is ringing. It is my son Nicklas. He wants to talk to his fusion dad.

After many years of cohabitation, it is obviously not so strange, but when I start to sense the conversation’s content and seriousness, I get up to find my own phone.

I’ll just check and to make sure (just like that for good measure) that my son of course called his mom first, because I am closest to him, so he would naturally seek the advice of me first….or?

To my great surprise I see that he has not called. He has not even tried to reach me!

My spontaneous reaction is that I get hurt, because he did not choose to call me. My hurt makes me start the trailer for an extremely well-performed drama called “A mother who loses her son to her husband”.  Her son no longer trust her. Her son no longer believes that his mother is competent enough to be his advisor.

In my inner movie trailer, I see myself kicked off the winner platform. Right down to second place. From there I stare fiercely up at my husband.

My drama stops here fortunately. I manage to stop myself before my drama unfolds.

The conversation my husband and Nicklas had was (thankfully) so long that I got to listen, be touched and grateful and angry again, when I was told that not everything concerned me. And I had to accept it. I did this and thought “it’s all good.” Just how it should be. That’s what I had struggled to reach.

I will therefore in this blog help you to fill your role as a fusion parent and feel eligibility…. straight to the heart.

But before we get started I would just remind you to be loving and patient with yourself. Do not beat yourself up when you fail, become a coward, lose your temper, hide behind your boyfriend, or stop when your limits are reached.

Look at every challenge as a stepping stone, because each one of them is an important part of your development path towards being authentic in your role as a fusion parent. Expect that you must exert yourself in the role, again, again and again.

The 5 steps of filling your role as a fusion parent.
First:
Know yourself, your strength and vulnerability, so you can recognize your patterns and reactions when you get them presented in various guises. Know what you need and take responsibility for it, so you do not project your unmet needs onto the children. For example, you know you are jealous of the kids, then claim a little grown-up time with your partner, even when children are there. Half an hour’s loving presence time, when you get home from work, can create miracles for the rest of the evening. Create routines with your partner who supports you in the areas where you need it most.

Second:
You must have your partner’s full support, space and permission to engage in a disciplinary role towards the children. He/she must back you up, both in word and action. You must stand side by side and explain to the children that YOU also “govern” them. Stand together as a team affectionately towards the children. Get him/her to help you define your role. Be honest with him/her about your feelings (even if  you are ashamed.) Ask him/her to help you on the road.

Third:
Practice quietly saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to the kids. Define your limits towards them and be aware of what is going to be said in a positive way. Find little situations where it’s reasonably easy for you to do and practice them. Preferably with your partner in the room (in the beginning) so the kids can see that their father/mother “allow” you to express yourself. Remember to always say “I want to …. or it’s important for me to ….” Explain to kids what you want, instead of blaming.

Fourth:
Find your niche. Find the area you are passionate about where you can involve the children, completely independent of your partner. Children are (like us adults) attracted to enthusiasm. Perhaps you love to cook or gardening. Share generously of your knowledge and show the kids your passion for what you do. It will rub off, even if it does not immediately seem like it.

Fifth:
Make you own [mental] list of areas where the children might as well address you as their father/mother. Also give them their pocket money, make their sandwiches (do a little more than their father/mother), ask about their day, tell them about your day, do small (un-) visible things for them. Put for example a rose in their room for when they come home. Create your own charming characteristics that the children do not see in their parent. (You create small loving bonds). Show the children confidence, show them in word and action that they can trust you.

One day you will find that they come to you and not their parent. It’s big. Enjoy.

Help the children to see the benefits of having a fusion parent.
You and your partner should be good at highlighting the benefits of being a child of divorced parents and having “new” adults come into their lives and thus a larger family, with all positive pleasant socializing it brings.

Maybe not so pedagogically correct, but it also works to remind them of twice the amounts of gifts, birthdays, Christmas, holidays, etc..

Point out to the kids that they can take everything they like best from the adults in their lives. Who is best to talk to about boy/girlfriends? Who is best at baking their favorite cake? What is best at fixing things? Who is best at helping with homework?

If we are good at helping children to see the benefits of having received one or maybe two fusion parents in their lives, we help them (and us) to faster acceptance of their life now – “It’s what my father/mother chose and it is also good for me.”

I wish you all the best. I look forward to hear how you fill in you role as a fusion parent.

If you like my post please LIKE The Worlds Biggest Fusion Family on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.

Love,

Charlotte

A system to deal with the difficult conversations in your blended family!

In a depressed and bad mood, everyone keeps to him or herself and wishes that this would pass quickly so the mood in the house will change.

Nobody in our family says anything. It feels like a bad dream you just want to wake up from.

The entire house reeks of negative vibes and bad energy.

Everyone in your family remains passive. Everyone feels the bad energy.
But no one dares to speak up. Properly they all think:

What if I am wrong?
What if they refuse to acknowledge what I feel?
What if they say it’s just something I’m imagining?
What if they become defensive?

Do you recognize any of the above?
The above described can easily happen in the fusion family and it can be very difficult to manage in a positive way. But it can be done, if you have courage and dare to take a stand and put words on your emotions. (Yes, it is scary, but the result immeasurable).

Clear the air to make you whole family breathe again
You want to say something to clear the air, so the whole family can breathe again.

I’m a big believer in defining rules and systems, which effectively can help the fusion family in any predicament.

Inspired by author Jack Canfield, I suggest you introduce “The Fusion Family heart-to-heart-talk” to your family. And yes it might fee a little awkward in the beginning, but give it a try anyway. (You can always explain to your family that a silly Danish fusion family coach suggested this method).

By occasionally choosing a structured form of communication it becomes easier to deal with difficult conversations. Buy a soft red heart pillow (or something else) that you physically can hold in your hands.

Explain to everyone in your family the value and the rules of this ‘game’ and admit that it could feel a little awkward and weird at first, but you insist on giving it a chance and that this is a good way to be heard by the other family members. You want to make sure they will be heard.

The rules are as follows:

  • Sit in a circle or around a table
  • The person who has the heart is the only one to speak (set a time frame)
  • Talk about how you feel
(make sure that the sentences are  formulated with: “I feel….when…)
  • Do not judge or criticize what each person says (just listen to each other)
  • After your turn pass the object or the heart to the left of you
  • Keep the information confidential
  • Do not stop talking until you have explained how you feel

Make sure your family understands the rules. Write them down on a piece of paper.

Start by letting the heart go around at least 1 time, so everyone has an opportunity to be heard. If no one says anything in the beginning, start another round. Someone will eventually have the courage to speak.

If a family member breaks the rules and/or talks when it’s not his/her turn, refer him/her to the written rules.

End the game when everyone is done talking.

By using a heart you will be reminded of the goal of this loving form of communication, which is an honestly and loving family life for all of you.

If you like my post please LIKE The Worlds Biggest Fusion Family on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.
Sincerely,

Charlotte

 

 

 

 

What are your “triggers” in your blended family?

In my newletter last month, I wrote about “triggers” in a blended family. I have just been on vacation with my fusion family (and my parents and my sister and her family) and felt on my own body how important it was to know my worst “triggers”.

It really helped me, so now  I want to share the content of the newletter with all of you who read my blog. So here here we go:

I have been reading a book on conflicts and became inspired to share some of the author’s good points with you.

We all have “triggers” in regards to people and situations in our everyday lives. Most of us experience that several times a day.

One of my triggers is when my children chew with their mouth open when they eat. I get completely tense. Just like I cannot stand, when the clerk at the check-out counter is in a crappy mood and takes it out on me. Then I want to tell her to get a new job!

We “trigger” on different things. What makes the big difference is whether you react to it or not.

Only 10 percent is due to what actually happens.
Every time you become angry, sad, insulted, mad, sad, introspective, outward-reacting because of a comment or response from another human, then it is only 10 percent of the reaction caused by what the person said. The remaining 90 are already there.

I think this is worth trying to remember, that we often interact with our entire “baggage” when we react.

Know your triggers in your fusion family.
It is very useful in a fusion family to know each other’s triggers. Knowing exactly what you and your partner’s triggers are, and also what triggers the children.

Have fun with this exercise and include the kids (if they are old enough):

• Find three things, phrases, attitudes or lack of reaction in your family which are your triggers and explain them to each other.

Remember that neither you nor the other family members are trying to annoy each other. You are just telling each other what happens to you when you encounter the trigger.

Enjoy.

If you like my post please LIKE The Worlds Biggest Fusion Family on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.
Sincerely,

Charlotte

 

Child disciplining is a source of eternal disagreements – understand why and what you can do about it

Do you know the feeling of discovering that you suddenly find yourself fully engaged in
“arm wrestling” with your partner? In a heated discussion where one word becomes many unintended words.

You have stopped listening long ago. You are only concerned with one thing. Being right. Winning the discussion. At any cost. The arguments no longer have meaning. It feels like you are threatened to death, so that’s why you need the victory. For redemption of getting the anger out of your system so you can have some peace.

Fact is that here you have two people, each with their position on a topic. Therefore, there really is no winner of the discussion, but rather two hurt people who need to retreat and reflect on the hard words spoken.

The discussions in the fusion families about parenting often happen this way and it takes its toll on your relationship, if it happens too often.

Therefore, here is my best advice for what you must be aware of and a method you can follow to get through your disagreements and reach a common ground.

When the “storm” is brewing
When you disagree on the upbringing of your children, then it is good to know from which perspective you are discussing it.

Regardless of whether you both have children or not, the following statements are therefore worth looking at:
• Deep down do you think you’re doing pretty good and do not feel like your partner should interfere with the upbringing of your children? You can easily find out for yourself? You do not need his/her input?

• Deep down you feel mad when your partner points out something about your children and you feel it is a criticism of you.

• Deep down, you have not really accepted that both of you have a role in disciplining your children.

• Deep down you think it’s incredibly uncomfortable to discipline his/her children, just like you cannot stand it when he/she says something about yours.

How well do these statements fit you? Relax now – These statements fit most of blended families. You are not alone!

The good news is that now you are fully aware of how it works, so therefore you have the option to change it. But it requires patience, trust (from both of you) and plenty of practise.

Try to find out what it takes to get the statements to disappear – one by one.
Can your partner say or do something different?
What do you need to happen for you to accept and allow the disciplinary role?
Is it over a good glass of red wine on Friday night (while holding your hand) that you can best handle criticism or interference?

Be patient and loving toward yourself. Be honest with your partner and explain how you feel currently. It takes time, a long time…. But you will get there.

It is good to remind yourself that you must “build” your blended family from the same blue print and not on your own drawing solely.

How do you come up with a common goal?
Two families will become one. Two different forms of discipline and values have ​​to become one. Now you are able to apply what works and put it together in a new way, your way.

I will just remind you that there is no right or wrong way, but just two different ways of disciplining, each with its own result.

The only question is which outcome do you want?

If you think of 10 years from now, which values ​​do you hope to give your children?
How would you want them to be as citizens of this world? What are your key words?

They are sure to be some strong words. Save them in your heart.
Let them be your overall goal for your upbringing. Now we will look at how to achieve these goals.

Get together with your partner both physically and mentally. You will be a strong cohesive and coordinated team of educators for the kids. Perhaps they will object, but eventually they will be secure when you stick together as a team.

Talk to your partner about the following:
• How do we want it to be in our family?
• What is important for me when it comes to discipline? And for my partner? And why are these things important?
• What are the values ​​we want to give our children? And what do we believe is the best way to cultivate these values ​​in our everyday life with the kids?
• What is my position? And my partner’s perception of the practical things? (Download possibly my chapter on the topics of disagreements from the front page on my web site).
• Talk about what you think works really well in your respective ways of disciplining? What did each of you have good success with?

When you have completed the above discussion, you have charted some very important milestones for your children’s upbringing.

And here comes the hard part which you must each ask each other:
• What do you think does not work in my disciplining? (Try you best to listen while remaining silent, even if you don’t like what you hear)
• What do you want me to stop doing or do differently?
• Is there something in my children’s behavior which you would like to discuss?

Knowing what is important for each of you can take your educator role to a new and more conscious level, taking that into account and with care for the areas you each have a hard time with.

The goal must be that you will not (quite so often) “trigger” each other.

Have a good day. If you like my post please LIKE The Fusion Family – Spiritual Tools For Your Blended Family Life on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.
Sincerely,

Charlotte

Ps. My husband and I went for a walk alone, every time we disciplined each other’s children. I almost wanted a divorce every time, I was that furious.

 

 

5 tips to survive by when your boyfriend says he does not like your children

– “I do not like your children” – is the worst sentence you as a parent can hear. And especially when it comes from one’s partner. It is almost unbearable. You are ready to leave him/her on the spot!

Our spontaneous reaction will be anger or grief. We are fiercely defensive. We defend our kids (and ourselves) vigiously.

We do what we can to highlight all the fantastic situations where it’s obvious that our children are lovable.

The situation may seem quite unmanageable. How can we possibly continue with your relationship after this message?

How to handle the issue? I want to give you my best guess.

# 1 – Ask your partner
Find the courage to ask your partner what it is he/she dislikes about your child. Avoid going into defensive position (that’s a big challenge.)

Listen. Be on the lookout. Look for clues. Is it in the same situation your partner feel resistance against the child or is it in many different situations. What characteristics “trigger” something in your partner.

Find out what your partner feels is needed, so he/she can get a more positive perception of the child. Ask your partner to be as specific as possible.

What can the child do/say/handle differently?

Based on the answers to the various questions you can work together on a solution that is healthy for you all, realistic and possible to integrate. Remember to notice the smallest, but positive changes along the way.

# 2 – A “hidden” side of your partner
Your partner’s reaction to your children can also be caused by a trait or a side of him/herself that he/she is in denial about. Often these are called our shadow sides.

When he/she for example experiences your children exhibit “greed”, he/she might feel disgust. For him/her it is not okay to be greedy.

There is an English proverb that says it very accurately. And there’s something about it.
What you resist, will persist.”

Again and again we deal with the same type of people and situations.

I think we need to learn from the situation. When we have learned our “lesson” then these confrontations disappear magically.

Maybe your partner was never allowed to be greedy when he/she was a child. Maybe he/she was raised to believe that it is wrong. What did his parents think about greed?

Ask what happens if you “allow” yourselves (and children) to be greedy some times. (We all are in one area or another.)

Try to identify which stories your partner has attached to the word and see if you can find a way, so your partner can have “peace” with the word.

# 3 – Jealousy towards your children
My third bid can be said very briefly. Your partner might be jealous of your children. They “steal” time with you from him/her. And it can be difficult to make up for having to admit it. Therefore, jealousy is projected onto the children.

If you feel that jealousy is the reason for the resistance, then spend a few minutes every day, BEFORE you attend to the kids, by hugging and being present with your partner.

I bet you you’ll have a happy and smiling partner for the rest of the day. You gave him/her exactly what he/she needed (maybe he/she won’t even be conscious of it.)

# 4 – Service level is too high
Are you one of those parents who occasionally forget that children themselves have arms and legs. I did. I catered to my boys without any limits, making my partner angry. My boys seemed spoiled and without any initiative. I did not demand anything from them.

Is it something you can recognize from your own life? If it is, then see it as a welcoming opportunity to turn down the service level. But remember to inform your children that things will have to change from now on. There are new rules.

They will probably complain loudly, but will eventually get used to it. And best of all your partner’s annoyance with your children will hopefully change in proportion, as that will get your family to work as a team.

# 5 – Takes up too much
Honestly – Maybe your partner’s annoyance with your kids is reasonable. Maybe they are completely unreasonable and need to be put in their place. But maybe the children feel that they must compete with your girlfriend about your attention.

If you’ve been alone with them for many years, they had been accustomed to always have your full attention. They need time to get used to that you are no longer their sole “property.” But remember that it’s perfectly ok to tell them that you’re just busy with something else, but that you will return to them as soon as you have time. (It is mportant to remember to get back to them.)

It is a good opportunity to introduce children to the concept of “situational awareness” that they just may find out about what is going on around them. Notice what are the others are doing, before they start to yell for you.

When you show your partner that you give him/her priority status and say no to the kids with respect for both your relationship and them, it might help your partner to remember that habits take time to change. You must have patience. But it is worth being good at noticing the little progress that constantly will show up when you are consistent and loving in your demands of the children.

I hope you have found some new inspiration in my (long) blog.

Have a good day. If you like my post please LIKE The Worlds Biggest Fusion Family on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.

Affectionate,

Charlotte