When Fear of losing Love Makes Us Boundless

We do not set boundaries. At the moment. Even though we recognize it, we should do so. We let it go. Although the experience takes hold of us, we allow it, without standing up for ourselves.

We trivialize it, as “it’s nothing,” “it is not so important”, “it does not matter,” “she is right and I get peace.” We’re lying about the incident. To ourselves.

You may experience it with your mother? With your children? Your friend? Your boyfriend? The feeling is the same even though the source is different.

Towards special people in our lives we find it hard to say no. We are afraid of their reaction. In order that they would withdraw from us. Push us away. And shut down their love.

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We smile and continue with the conflict, we do not dare to face it outwardly, now instead it has started inwardly.

It will be unsafe for everyone involved when we cannot rely on the answers we get and give. There must be congruence between what we think, feel and say if it should feel good.

For the energy behind always speaks louder than your words.


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Our story regarding not disappointing our mother or children is not true. They can handle our response. It’s about us. We cannot handle the emotions that arise within us when we are witnessing others’ response to our answer.

Therefore, we often rather undermine ourselves and our own bordaries, than we will stand for others.

When you cross your own boundaries or agree to something that is not ok with you, then your subtle energy speakslouder than the action itself. Your mother notice it. Your children will feel it.

Each one of them concludes something about you or about themselves. Whatever the conclusion, it comes between you.

It is not beneficial for a close, honest and loving relationship.

Therefore, we must exert ourselves by being honest with ourselves and set boundaries in a clear and loving way.

Without doing others wrong.
Without defending or explaining ourselves.
Without wanting to (try) to control the reactions of others, so it is consistent with our expectations.

Indeed, it is the real challenge here is; We spend SO much (wasted) energy wondering about other people’s behavior and reaction, when the only interesting question really is: What how do other people’s reactions make me feel? How do they mirror what is happening to me?

It is deeply healing using our relationships that way.

Are the DISCUSSIONS with your partner FUTILE? Understand WHY and WHAT you can do about it.


Most likely your answer is that you don’t know. You did not listen, because you are both concerned about the next argument. In leading a monologue, where both are pretending to be occupied by the issues, that got the discussion out of hand.

The discussion is going nowhere. No one listen. You are only concerned about being right. Both of you. A prosecutor. A defender. The roles are interchangeable. We go in circles. Over and over again.

We get NOWHERE, neither AGAINST or WITH EACH OTHER. And we do NOT develop as partners. But we pretend we are fighting for the relationship. And justice for ourselves. On behalf of “Fair Play” and for a complicated point system, that only you (and I) know the details of :-).

Charlotte Egemar Kaaber
Far behind the things that got it all to culminate, the truth lies hidden. The seed of our pain. The real reason for the discussion: There is a need we have not yet satisfied, and we now project it onto our partner.

All of us (almost) all do this. I do it. My husband does it. We are not communicating our needs LOVINGLY, CLEARLY and PRECISE. Earlier. Before the discussion.

Let’s pause and reflect on what it really is all about. Deep inside. For it is never about the laundry. The laundry is only a symptom.

But why is it so difficult for us to communicate clearly and honestly, WHAT we want and HOW we want it? And WITHOUT our mile-long explanations which nobody around us has the energy to listen to (not even ourselves).

Because we will not stand up for ourselves. Take leadership. So we hide. Convolute issues. Confrontational. Prosecutorial. Indirectly. Or we say: our partner can damn well figure it out … I should not have to explain… .. (fill in the blank yourself ).

The reason is that we do not want our emotions exposed. We do not dare to stand up for who we really are. Deep inside. Because we are not always perfect and polished. We are afraid to look at your innermost selves. For we believe that part of us is unlovable. And do not tolerate daylight.

What is so crazy is what we are trying to cover up, our partner (and the world around us) have already discovered. They know it very well! They sense it already from our energy! We cannot hide things. The energy behind it speaks always louder than our words.

Mod til at stille op til mig selv

Therefore, there’s really NOTHING to “reveal” about the way we are and the way we feel. It is a concoction. An ego-strategy.

We can confidently train ourselves to tell our partner (and others we have relationships with) what we want and how we want things. Lovingly, clearly and precise. Completely without condescending!

And while we’re at it, let us also decide to resign from our dysfunctional communication patterns:

  • The role of being a victim (having pity on ourselves)
  • The role of being a martyr (I do whatever I want to do)
  • The use of guilt and shame (I can’t believe he did that, I have done so much)
  • The use of power (I won’t give up until I get what I want)
  • The use of rightfulness (… I fight like my life depends on it ….)

But instead, let it be our common goal to communicate LOVINGLY, CLEARLY and PRECISE in our relationships. They will love us for it. :)