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Are the DISCUSSIONS with your partner FUTILE? Understand WHY and WHAT you can do about it.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I INTERRUPT A DISCUSSION YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE HAVING AND I ASK YOU: “WHAT DID YOUR PARTNER JUST SAY?” OR I ASK YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU JUST HAVE SAID.

Most likely your answer is that you don’t know. You did not listen, because you are both concerned about the next argument. In leading a monologue, where both are pretending to be occupied by the issues, that got the discussion out of hand.

The discussion is going nowhere. No one listen. You are only concerned about being right. Both of you. A prosecutor. A defender. The roles are interchangeable. We go in circles. Over and over again.

We get NOWHERE, neither AGAINST or WITH EACH OTHER. And we do NOT develop as partners. But we pretend we are fighting for the relationship. And justice for ourselves. On behalf of “Fair Play” and for a complicated point system, that only you (and I) know the details of :-).

Charlotte Egemar Kaaber
Far behind the things that got it all to culminate, the truth lies hidden. The seed of our pain. The real reason for the discussion: There is a need we have not yet satisfied, and we now project it onto our partner.

All of us (almost) all do this. I do it. My husband does it. We are not communicating our needs LOVINGLY, CLEARLY and PRECISE. Earlier. Before the discussion.

Let’s pause and reflect on what it really is all about. Deep inside. For it is never about the laundry. The laundry is only a symptom.

But why is it so difficult for us to communicate clearly and honestly, WHAT we want and HOW we want it? And WITHOUT our mile-long explanations which nobody around us has the energy to listen to (not even ourselves).

Because we will not stand up for ourselves. Take leadership. So we hide. Convolute issues. Confrontational. Prosecutorial. Indirectly. Or we say: our partner can damn well figure it out … I should not have to explain… .. (fill in the blank yourself ).

The reason is that we do not want our emotions exposed. We do not dare to stand up for who we really are. Deep inside. Because we are not always perfect and polished. We are afraid to look at your innermost selves. For we believe that part of us is unlovable. And do not tolerate daylight.

What is so crazy is what we are trying to cover up, our partner (and the world around us) have already discovered. They know it very well! They sense it already from our energy! We cannot hide things. The energy behind it speaks always louder than our words.

Mod til at stille op til mig selv

Therefore, there’s really NOTHING to “reveal” about the way we are and the way we feel. It is a concoction. An ego-strategy.

We can confidently train ourselves to tell our partner (and others we have relationships with) what we want and how we want things. Lovingly, clearly and precise. Completely without condescending!

And while we’re at it, let us also decide to resign from our dysfunctional communication patterns:

  • The role of being a victim (having pity on ourselves)
  • The role of being a martyr (I do whatever I want to do)
  • The use of guilt and shame (I can’t believe he did that, I have done so much)
  • The use of power (I won’t give up until I get what I want)
  • The use of rightfulness (… I fight like my life depends on it ….)

But instead, let it be our common goal to communicate LOVINGLY, CLEARLY and PRECISE in our relationships. They will love us for it. :)

We get together. We leave each other. But we are still going after LOVE.

I love that so many couples dare to go after love once again. Although they have children. And although it went wrong the first time. I get so happy every time I meet people who are going for it again. And again. They believe in love. Fight for love. For love makes us feel good. Once it is clean and unconditional.

I meet newly in love couples. And a few who are close to giving up their relationship, because it is too complicated and painful. The pain has been greater than the joy.

My week is a typical example of life’s contrasts. One day, I visit a newly in love couple who would like a good start with their new Fusion family. They look lovingly and gently at each other. Have room for one another. Listening. Holding hands. I enjoy what I see.

Samhørighed i sammenbragte familier

Being soft-hearted, and share what I believe is necessary in order to create cohesion in their family.

Later in the week I meet couples who are about to break up with oneanother. Where blame and defense mechanisms are fully activated. Noone listens. Noone understand. Communication is depleted. The energy is relentless. Both suffer.

They may not even notice it. Right now. For the pain is too overwhelming. It overshadows everything. I am listening. Listen a little more. With an open and loving heart. Creating cohesion between them and me. They need to feel safe in my company, so they want to open up.

I question them. I challenge them. Each of them. Their words. Their truth. Their Reality. I feel the energy change in the room. New insights reach each of them. Gradually.

And suddenly there is a hole through! My hair stands up on my arms. I get tears in my eyes. I know that now we have come to the core of what it is really all about. When ALL else is garbage.

The feeling of being able to sit back comfortably in their relationship. Without struggle. Without blame. But with deep affection feeingl safe and loved – no matter what. You will care for me, be my rock, and I will open my heart and invite you in. It is where I am at its most beautiful, most vulnerable and strongest.

I am deeply affected when the transformation occurs. Feel deeply grateful to be able to help the process getting started.

In the car, I remind myself, that I have to remember to appreciate what I have. It is not self-evident or granted. The wonderful loving family I have created with Jégwan.

I know and feel that there is a loving way and I will do my very best to to share that with others.

In the name of Love,

Charlotte