IN THE BEGINNING OF MY FUSION FAMILY LIFE JEGWAN AND I FREQUENTLY ARGUED. VERY OFTEN ABOUT THE CHILDREN
He was too tough with my boys when he corrected their behavior. His charisma was too direct. Too strict. I thought.
I was sure that my boys could not tolerate his way of acting!
That was indeed what I angrily told him. Or more exactly yelled at him. I thought it was about him not liking the boys. That he thought they weren’t worthy of his love.
I didn’t get his long explanation about, that he DID like my boys, but not their BEHAVIOR!
In my world was boys’ behavior was proportional to how lovable Jégwan thought they were. For me, it was about the boys weren’t worthy, rather than that they DID something wrong.
The massive sense of wrongness was something I recognized ad nauseam from my own life. THAT feeling I defended my boys against, so they wouldn’t have to feel what I had endured.
Many quarrels later I suddenly understand that it was not about the boys. It was about me! About MY sense of wrongness. That I felt SO inadequate. That I was not good enough as a mother. Or partner for that matter.
IT WAS THROUGH THAT FILTER I SAW THE WORLD.
Subconsciously I sought in all situations for confirmation that I was wrong. A wrongness which had come to include my boys.
THE 5 STRATEGIES I USED TO STOP arguing AND MY RESPONSE
- I made a wholehearted decision to trust Jégwan. Trusting that he liked my boys and WANTED the best for our fusion family. (The fact that I had chosen a decent man.)
- I took ONE situation at a time and practiced NOT to react the same way as in ALL previous situations.
- I lowered (by practizing) my protective mechanism and asked Jégwan to explain to me afterwards, WHY he had reprimanded the boys while SIMULTANEOUSLY reassuring me that he liked them. (It helped me a lot.)
- I exercised DEEP breathing when he scolded the boys and experienced my feelings WITHOUT responding. (Calmed down my tiger-mom tendencies.)
- I asked Jégwan explain WHAT he wanted to achieve by reprimanding the boys. When I understood that it was to develop and refine their social skills, I was quietly at peace with it.
I hope you can use my strategies in YOUR family life.
Look at what it REALLY is about it. Behind all the IMMEDIATE feelings.