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Do you get done what you want in your life? Are you in an action-SPIRAL or in a inertia-SPIRAL?

Most of us know deep down what is good for us. What is needed, is that we have the optimum in all our areas of life.

We know what and how to eat.
We know how to work-out.
We know if the job we have, has been nourishing for us, or simply a source of regular income, so we can “survive”.
We know about the relationships we are in, if it makes us more of who we are or less.
We know that the friendships we have, if they are complete us or drain us.
We know about the place we live, if it nourishes or depletes us.
We know whether we are satisfied with the way we fill the roles we have; parent, girlfriend, step-mother, daughter or sister.
We know, if we choose to learn from the life situations we experience, or if we choose to be overthrown or do other wrongs.

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber
We have all the answers we need. We HAVE an overview. We know the “action areas” that need to be taken care of and adjustment. But we have not done anything about it. The days go by. Tomorrow I will do something about it. On Monday I will. Next year THEN I will take action.

When we do something, it’s often all or nothing. We keep at it for a few months. Then we are back. In a blistering ACTION SPIRAL or a massive INERTIA SPIRAL.

WHY? I think it is based on several things:

The desired result. Our “WHY” (do something about it) is not motivating enough or defined by anything outside ourselves. Society. Traditions. The family. Norms. Should and would.

We have become “addicted” to emotions. The familiar is safe for us, EVEN though it is bad and destructive for us. We are not accustomed to feeling good in all life areas. We are confident with our mediocre satisfaction. We talk with friends about it. We find comfort in what is hard and unfair.

We do not want to take responsibility for our lives, because we can not foresee the consequences. We are trying to figure out what will happen, IF we do something about things. It overwhelms us and makes us paralyzed, so we stay where we are. And perhaps numb out to keep going.

Are you at all WORTHY of The Good Life? Is it ok that someone like you is doing well, or does it fit with the story you created about, what you can accomplish in this life? The stories we tell ourselves are very important for what we imagine we can accomplish (and are worthy) of anything and everything in our lives. Is YOUR life story supportive or abhorrent?
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Maybe you are thinking: It is not normal for me to feel good. There has been SO much bad in my life, that I no longer believe that something positive will happen to me! I have given up. Just trying to survive as best as I can. To you I would say: You CANNOT be POWERFUL and a VICTIM simultaneously. You have to choose. You can ALWAYS choose to go down the drain with your life situation or emerge through it – with an open or a closed heart. Know that love really is the only thing. EVERYTHING else is the ego’s fear talking. We choose whether we are listening. Although it is unconscious.

Are you trying to imagine WHO you will be if you take 100% responsibility for all your life areas working optimally? The answer may seem daunting to many of us. Who or what can you say GOODBYE to, if you demand the best for yourself in your life? What kind of opposition from others would occur, if you did something about it? What impact would it have on you? The answer seems overwhelming, so we remain who we are.

Perhaps in your reality, you do NOT know anyone who does not have drama in some area of their lives. Who do you even talk to and about what, if complaining or drama is not in the game? Are you lonely? Who can you talk to about your desires and wishes, when you decide to create the best life you can possibly have?

Charlotte Egemar Kaaber Family Mentor
I was at the funeral last week. My wonderful, loving second-cousin. 46 years old. With three small children. Suddenly she was removed from this earth. Unexpectedly and suddenly.

It made a deep impression on me.

I always think I have tomorrow. Or Monday. Or next year. But I do not actually know.

I magine how my second-cousin in the coffin is looking back at her life.

Her loved ones. Her footsteps. Her contributions to the world. To other people. Was she proud and happy about the life she had created? I hope she saw how many people who had come to say thank you and goodbye. She was loved. By so many. She had played her role of a lifetime so incredibly beautiful.

Nothing like death trigger reflections on life!

I looked at my own life. Am I happy and proud? Today? Right now? Although I hope for tomorrow. And yet another Monday. And a next year. Is there something I would like to change?

The answer is YES, there IS something I want to do something about. In respect for myself. And to support myself in the “version” I want to be, I now walk the steps.
One small step at a time.

It need not be large, hard step I take, but small loving step in the direction that nourishes me and where I am proud of myself.

Which tiny steps can YOU make today, so that you can become your future self? And again tomorrow?

Let us reach for the stars.
Let us inspire each other to turn the inertia spiral into a loving and nourishing action spiral, so we do not settle.
Let’s talk solutions instead of problems.
Let us strive to create harmonious fusion families instead of discordant (by doing what it takes).
Let’s talk possibilities instead of limitations.
Let’s rewrite an inhibitory life story into a supporting one.
Let us open our hearts again and again, EVEN when life challenges us.

 

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber

Let’s squeeze as much joy and love out of life as we can.

This also applies to the love of ourselves.

Let us use death as a memorial to Celebrate Life. Every day.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Child disciplining is a source of eternal disagreements – understand why and what you can do about it

Do you know the feeling of discovering that you suddenly find yourself fully engaged in
“arm wrestling” with your partner? In a heated discussion where one word becomes many unintended words.

You have stopped listening long ago. You are only concerned with one thing. Being right. Winning the discussion. At any cost. The arguments no longer have meaning. It feels like you are threatened to death, so that’s why you need the victory. For redemption of getting the anger out of your system so you can have some peace.

Fact is that here you have two people, each with their position on a topic. Therefore, there really is no winner of the discussion, but rather two hurt people who need to retreat and reflect on the hard words spoken.

The discussions in the fusion families about parenting often happen this way and it takes its toll on your relationship, if it happens too often.

Therefore, here is my best advice for what you must be aware of and a method you can follow to get through your disagreements and reach a common ground.

When the “storm” is brewing
When you disagree on the upbringing of your children, then it is good to know from which perspective you are discussing it.

Regardless of whether you both have children or not, the following statements are therefore worth looking at:
• Deep down do you think you’re doing pretty good and do not feel like your partner should interfere with the upbringing of your children? You can easily find out for yourself? You do not need his/her input?

• Deep down you feel mad when your partner points out something about your children and you feel it is a criticism of you.

• Deep down, you have not really accepted that both of you have a role in disciplining your children.

• Deep down you think it’s incredibly uncomfortable to discipline his/her children, just like you cannot stand it when he/she says something about yours.

How well do these statements fit you? Relax now – These statements fit most of blended families. You are not alone!

The good news is that now you are fully aware of how it works, so therefore you have the option to change it. But it requires patience, trust (from both of you) and plenty of practise.

Try to find out what it takes to get the statements to disappear – one by one.
Can your partner say or do something different?
What do you need to happen for you to accept and allow the disciplinary role?
Is it over a good glass of red wine on Friday night (while holding your hand) that you can best handle criticism or interference?

Be patient and loving toward yourself. Be honest with your partner and explain how you feel currently. It takes time, a long time…. But you will get there.

It is good to remind yourself that you must “build” your blended family from the same blue print and not on your own drawing solely.

How do you come up with a common goal?
Two families will become one. Two different forms of discipline and values have ​​to become one. Now you are able to apply what works and put it together in a new way, your way.

I will just remind you that there is no right or wrong way, but just two different ways of disciplining, each with its own result.

The only question is which outcome do you want?

If you think of 10 years from now, which values ​​do you hope to give your children?
How would you want them to be as citizens of this world? What are your key words?

They are sure to be some strong words. Save them in your heart.
Let them be your overall goal for your upbringing. Now we will look at how to achieve these goals.

Get together with your partner both physically and mentally. You will be a strong cohesive and coordinated team of educators for the kids. Perhaps they will object, but eventually they will be secure when you stick together as a team.

Talk to your partner about the following:
• How do we want it to be in our family?
• What is important for me when it comes to discipline? And for my partner? And why are these things important?
• What are the values ​​we want to give our children? And what do we believe is the best way to cultivate these values ​​in our everyday life with the kids?
• What is my position? And my partner’s perception of the practical things? (Download possibly my chapter on the topics of disagreements from the front page on my web site).
• Talk about what you think works really well in your respective ways of disciplining? What did each of you have good success with?

When you have completed the above discussion, you have charted some very important milestones for your children’s upbringing.

And here comes the hard part which you must each ask each other:
• What do you think does not work in my disciplining? (Try you best to listen while remaining silent, even if you don’t like what you hear)
• What do you want me to stop doing or do differently?
• Is there something in my children’s behavior which you would like to discuss?

Knowing what is important for each of you can take your educator role to a new and more conscious level, taking that into account and with care for the areas you each have a hard time with.

The goal must be that you will not (quite so often) “trigger” each other.

Have a good day. If you like my post please LIKE The Fusion Family – Spiritual Tools For Your Blended Family Life on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.
Sincerely,

Charlotte

Ps. My husband and I went for a walk alone, every time we disciplined each other’s children. I almost wanted a divorce every time, I was that furious.

 

 

All hell broke loose and destroyed the vacation in the stepfamily

Most of us have done status here after the summer break, evaluating on the vacation with your and maybe our children.

Did we have a good time?
Was the atmosphere pleasant?
Did the family have fun together?

We analyze the vacation and all the situations and conclude that – yes – the beginning of the vacation was certainly good. Great actually! The fusion family members enjoyed themselves, until……..

The all hell broke loose and destroyed the much needed peace and quiet. And challenged all at once everything we had feared would happen. Members of our fusion family could no longer “pretend”. They shouted. They made a scene. It was exactly the situation we had dreaded and now it had happened. We fear the scene had ruined something in our family, perhaps even irreparable. You can probably recognize the situation from your own life. (I can.)

A surprise rebellion from one of the children, a conflict between the role as a fusion mom/father and a child (You’re not my mother/father, so don’t talk to me.)
A heated discussion about how you or your partner handled the situation with the children, one of you doubting the other’s good intentions in relation to the children. (It hurts.)

I want you to stay calm. These conflicts are inevitable, if we as a fusion family grow and develop, they are necessary. They are an essential step toward the feeling of cohesion.

The conflicts are crucial, indeed a really invigorating step in the evolution of your family. Therefore, I challenge you the next time (expect that there will be a next time) to take a moment to let the conflict sink in and stay in the conflict with your head held high. Do not run away or change the subject. It is worth remembering that it is not a permanent condition. The atmosphere will change at some point.

This is a different way for us to think about conflicts, power struggles and loyalty issues that are as explosive minefields to a fusion family. Normally we look at conflict as something we must avoid at any cost.

Instead, try to see conflicts as opportunities for development and as a sign that you now “dare” to be yourself. You do no longer have to “pretend” but now you can dare to demand and make demands on each other.

1st A conflict points out that something must change. Arguments and disagreements come to the surface when a need has not been met, important needs, such as feeling loved and belonging, knowing that you can contribute or knowing what is expected or where the boundaries are.

2nd Expect that there will be fighting in your family along the way. All families of every kind – blended or not – argue, have disagreements, power struggles and difficulties from time to time. In fusion families with conflicting loyalties and the pressure to get it to work this time, these tensions have additional importance in our thoughts and thus providing additional strong emotions. We fear that challenges can be too big to handle – or we pretend that they are not important enough to worry about (because we hope “it” will go away by itself.)

The truth is that the more conflicts we handle, so everyone involved feels seen and heard, we will actually pave the way for a better understanding and deeper relationships.

3rd When conflicts arise, ask yourself two questions before the battle begins. Which needs are not met? Look for who is missing something that seems important to them. It may be that a child needs more structure, attention, or care. Maybe the fusion mom/dad needs clarification of what her/his role is.

You and your partner may need more time together and focus than you have now.

So when the going gets tough, listen to your heart. Try to remember that any dispute handled is a step towards creating a loving and permanent fusion family.

Disagreements and conflicts in your family can make room for your relationships to grow and mature. When you listen to each other with compassion and make changes or adjustments it allows all members of your family to get what they really need.

Fusion families can be loving, permanent families in spite of conflicting loyalties and misunderstanding.

If you like my post please LIKE The Worlds Biggest Fusion Family on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.
Love,

Charlotte