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When Fear of losing Love Makes Us Boundless

We do not set boundaries. At the moment. Even though we recognize it, we should do so. We let it go. Although the experience takes hold of us, we allow it, without standing up for ourselves.

We trivialize it, as “it’s nothing,” “it is not so important”, “it does not matter,” “she is right and I get peace.” We’re lying about the incident. To ourselves.

You may experience it with your mother? With your children? Your friend? Your boyfriend? The feeling is the same even though the source is different.

Towards special people in our lives we find it hard to say no. We are afraid of their reaction. In order that they would withdraw from us. Push us away. And shut down their love.

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We smile and continue with the conflict, we do not dare to face it outwardly, now instead it has started inwardly.

It will be unsafe for everyone involved when we cannot rely on the answers we get and give. There must be congruence between what we think, feel and say if it should feel good.

For the energy behind always speaks louder than your words.

 

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IT’S OK TO TAKE CARE OF OWN NEEDS AND SET BOUNDARIES
Our story regarding not disappointing our mother or children is not true. They can handle our response. It’s about us. We cannot handle the emotions that arise within us when we are witnessing others’ response to our answer.

Therefore, we often rather undermine ourselves and our own bordaries, than we will stand for others.

When you cross your own boundaries or agree to something that is not ok with you, then your subtle energy speakslouder than the action itself. Your mother notice it. Your children will feel it.

Each one of them concludes something about you or about themselves. Whatever the conclusion, it comes between you.

It is not beneficial for a close, honest and loving relationship.

Therefore, we must exert ourselves by being honest with ourselves and set boundaries in a clear and loving way.

Without doing others wrong.
Without defending or explaining ourselves.
Without wanting to (try) to control the reactions of others, so it is consistent with our expectations.

Indeed, it is the real challenge here is; We spend SO much (wasted) energy wondering about other people’s behavior and reaction, when the only interesting question really is: What how do other people’s reactions make me feel? How do they mirror what is happening to me?

It is deeply healing using our relationships that way.

Do you get done what you want in your life? Are you in an action-SPIRAL or in a inertia-SPIRAL?

Most of us know deep down what is good for us. What is needed, is that we have the optimum in all our areas of life.

We know what and how to eat.
We know how to work-out.
We know if the job we have, has been nourishing for us, or simply a source of regular income, so we can “survive”.
We know about the relationships we are in, if it makes us more of who we are or less.
We know that the friendships we have, if they are complete us or drain us.
We know about the place we live, if it nourishes or depletes us.
We know whether we are satisfied with the way we fill the roles we have; parent, girlfriend, step-mother, daughter or sister.
We know, if we choose to learn from the life situations we experience, or if we choose to be overthrown or do other wrongs.

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber
We have all the answers we need. We HAVE an overview. We know the “action areas” that need to be taken care of and adjustment. But we have not done anything about it. The days go by. Tomorrow I will do something about it. On Monday I will. Next year THEN I will take action.

When we do something, it’s often all or nothing. We keep at it for a few months. Then we are back. In a blistering ACTION SPIRAL or a massive INERTIA SPIRAL.

WHY? I think it is based on several things:

The desired result. Our “WHY” (do something about it) is not motivating enough or defined by anything outside ourselves. Society. Traditions. The family. Norms. Should and would.

We have become “addicted” to emotions. The familiar is safe for us, EVEN though it is bad and destructive for us. We are not accustomed to feeling good in all life areas. We are confident with our mediocre satisfaction. We talk with friends about it. We find comfort in what is hard and unfair.

We do not want to take responsibility for our lives, because we can not foresee the consequences. We are trying to figure out what will happen, IF we do something about things. It overwhelms us and makes us paralyzed, so we stay where we are. And perhaps numb out to keep going.

Are you at all WORTHY of The Good Life? Is it ok that someone like you is doing well, or does it fit with the story you created about, what you can accomplish in this life? The stories we tell ourselves are very important for what we imagine we can accomplish (and are worthy) of anything and everything in our lives. Is YOUR life story supportive or abhorrent?
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Maybe you are thinking: It is not normal for me to feel good. There has been SO much bad in my life, that I no longer believe that something positive will happen to me! I have given up. Just trying to survive as best as I can. To you I would say: You CANNOT be POWERFUL and a VICTIM simultaneously. You have to choose. You can ALWAYS choose to go down the drain with your life situation or emerge through it – with an open or a closed heart. Know that love really is the only thing. EVERYTHING else is the ego’s fear talking. We choose whether we are listening. Although it is unconscious.

Are you trying to imagine WHO you will be if you take 100% responsibility for all your life areas working optimally? The answer may seem daunting to many of us. Who or what can you say GOODBYE to, if you demand the best for yourself in your life? What kind of opposition from others would occur, if you did something about it? What impact would it have on you? The answer seems overwhelming, so we remain who we are.

Perhaps in your reality, you do NOT know anyone who does not have drama in some area of their lives. Who do you even talk to and about what, if complaining or drama is not in the game? Are you lonely? Who can you talk to about your desires and wishes, when you decide to create the best life you can possibly have?

Charlotte Egemar Kaaber Family Mentor
I was at the funeral last week. My wonderful, loving second-cousin. 46 years old. With three small children. Suddenly she was removed from this earth. Unexpectedly and suddenly.

It made a deep impression on me.

I always think I have tomorrow. Or Monday. Or next year. But I do not actually know.

I magine how my second-cousin in the coffin is looking back at her life.

Her loved ones. Her footsteps. Her contributions to the world. To other people. Was she proud and happy about the life she had created? I hope she saw how many people who had come to say thank you and goodbye. She was loved. By so many. She had played her role of a lifetime so incredibly beautiful.

Nothing like death trigger reflections on life!

I looked at my own life. Am I happy and proud? Today? Right now? Although I hope for tomorrow. And yet another Monday. And a next year. Is there something I would like to change?

The answer is YES, there IS something I want to do something about. In respect for myself. And to support myself in the “version” I want to be, I now walk the steps.
One small step at a time.

It need not be large, hard step I take, but small loving step in the direction that nourishes me and where I am proud of myself.

Which tiny steps can YOU make today, so that you can become your future self? And again tomorrow?

Let us reach for the stars.
Let us inspire each other to turn the inertia spiral into a loving and nourishing action spiral, so we do not settle.
Let’s talk solutions instead of problems.
Let us strive to create harmonious fusion families instead of discordant (by doing what it takes).
Let’s talk possibilities instead of limitations.
Let’s rewrite an inhibitory life story into a supporting one.
Let us open our hearts again and again, EVEN when life challenges us.

 

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber

Let’s squeeze as much joy and love out of life as we can.

This also applies to the love of ourselves.

Let us use death as a memorial to Celebrate Life. Every day.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Are The Clubs You Are a Member of Good for Your Blended Family Life?

I recall with pleasure my teenage years where I almost blended perfectly with my girlfriends.

We used the same slang, were wearing the same clothes, were in love with the same boys, saw the same TV shows on television. It was like being a member of a special club for a selected few.

There is something healing about being a part of something bigger. Having people in your vicinity to be reckoned with. People who understand you, share similar interests and have the same humor.

The feeling of being associated with others who cherish a right into your soul.

If we will sabotage ourselves we make sure not to surround ourselves with nourishing club members. We feel alone, outside and yearn for something bigger. Or when we become part of a fusion family, we come to participate in inappropriate clubs. Clubs that in no way give us anything or directly drain us. And our family relationship.

I call them Bitching Clubs. Here we bitch about things. We find cohesion in the complaining. It could be the club for Stupid ex-wifes/men, Club for Excruciating Fusion children or Club for Boyfriends who do not discipline the children.

When we are members of these clubs, we cultivate all which doesn’t benefit us. We spend our energy on everything we don’t like. Yes, then the Universe delivers. And there will be more to complain about all the way into our consciousness. Do not go there.

What you focus on, you get more of.

So focus your loving energy on what you want. Solutions. Participate in clubs where you will get support and lift from each other to look at what the ex-wife or fusion children trigger in you? And how can you take responsibility for these feelings. Without doing the others wrong.

If we are good at self-supporting, we make sure to surround ourselves with people and join clubs that lifts and nourishes us. People who reflect ourselves and our desires beautifully.

Affectionately,
Charlotte

If Everything Goes Wrong in My Blended Family, I Can Take Care of Myself!

I am independent. In every way. I do not need anyone. And not a man. I hate the idea that someone has to decide over me. I enjoy knowing that I can always leave if my desire for freedom gets intense. Or if I feel  threatened.

I fear ending up like my mother, whom in my whole childhood, has been supported by my father. He gives her pocket money. How humiliating and pathetic is that.

These thoughts and stories were controlling my life and my way of being in a relationship.

My mom is happy with the solution, my father and her chose. But me, I am completely opposite and have a desire never to sacrifice myself like that. – “Earn your own money and be independent in your relationship” was my decision for my life. That was my strongest motivation.

I reached my goals. Earned a lot of money. Could take care of myself. And never depended on a man.

But I was never in the relationships I had dreamed about. It surprised me really, because I thought I was mega funky. When I became a part of my Fusion family, my stubborn retention of my “independence” was almost caricatured.

Only now I understand that loving and nurturing relationships and my attitude cannot be reconciled. I now understand that it is my Ego and The Little Part of Me, which was successful in convincing me that happiness is: Be aware and stay independent.

Happiness was not there. It made me lonely, critical and judgmental. I dreamed of a sense of deep intimacy, spaciousness and loving care. Being closely connected to someone.

The Big Part of Me now feels that my relationships, both my husband and children, but also to others becomes more and more loving and nurturing, as I dare show my vulnerability, and put words on my feelings and not listening to The Little ME, who sings long sad songs about not letting people get too close.

I feel strongly that my sense of nurturing and supportive relationships increases proportionally as I open my heart, share parts of myself and use my heroism daring to show my vulnerability.

The more I dare to give of myself from my vulnerable inner parts, the more love and care I get in return. It gives me so many great moments.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Do You Feel That Your Blended Family is in The Way?

I have often felt that my family was in the way of my creativity and my sense of freedom. I felt trapped and it often made me angry.

I did not want to be considerate and to compromise for their sake. I was afraid to miss out on things in the real world, all the exciting and magical things, which could bring my life stardust.

I hated having to provide practical things like lunch, dinner, shopping and laundry. There were so many other exciting things I could spend my time on. That really made sense and that was not a waste of my precious time.

I’ve been venting so much in my martyr role that everyone around me was not in doubt that they were in the way and should feel great gratitude that I “sacrificed” my life, so that they could get food and have clean clothes.

I have felt guilty living my life that way. And was afraid that others noticed how bad of a person I really was. So I camouflaged it by “being on track with everything practical.” No one could put a finger on my efforts. I made sure of that.

My otherwise very warm heart quietly turned cold. As if a thick grid of barbed wire surrounded it. I kept people at a distance. Even my own family.

I felt that other people had done something to me. Abused me. Especially my family. Now I know that it’s not so. I have myself. I pulled myself away from them. Both physically and mentally. As a form of survival strategy. So I could stand being in my life.

Today I finally understand what happened.

I did not take 100% responsibility for my decision to be in a fusion family and the consequences it has. On top of that, I didn’t take 100% responsibility for my feelings and my needs, but instead used my family as the target of my unfulfilled creative needs.

On the other hand, I took more than 100% responsibility for family practically. I let myself exceed my own limitations. Both for myself and them. Did not take responsibility for defining what I wanted and what I specifically wanted to make time for.

I did not make an agreement with my husband to take turns to be with the kids so I could get a break. I just continued on in a martyr-like manner.

Now I do something else.

I practice every day to choose myself, as my main priority. I make time to do what makes me happy and allow myself to take breaks. Very often. In spite of the practical things that I should fix. It’s not easy, but absolutely necessary.

I practice having high energy and good humor despite all the practical things. And have become quite adept doing laundry with some good audio.

I train my ability to delegate tasks and be peaceful with the dust which should be removed. Just not when I’ve decided to write.

Giving priority to make more of what makes me happy gives me a surplus of energy and a deep joy. And I want to kiss my kids and my husband.

And it has been amazing to find out that when I am a good and loving person to myself, then I get BOTH stardust and great moments in life.

Love,

Charlotte

Are You Taking Too Much Responsibility in Your Fusion Family?

During my training as a Spiritual Mentor I encountered parts of myself, I have never noticed before. I even start sweating when new and deep knowledge insists on being integrated into my cells.

At first I thought it was due to a sudden onset of menopause, but now I know the symptoms and know that there is growth behind the sweating.

What a journey I’m on. It also affects my fusion family. I no longer play the role as victim or a martyr so often. So I get new results. Better results and much more in accordance with my wishes.

I now understand that when I take more than my own 100% responsibility, then the rest of my family members do not have to take their 100%. If I take both their and my own 100% responsibility, they do no take responsibility at all. Interesting…

I just need to take 100% responsibility for my own actions and feelings and let other people do the same. I am not responsible for saving them and fixing their challenges. Not even my family’s.

When my son Jonas told me about a challenge he had, I automatically rolled my consulting engineer’s business out overloading him with well-intentioned ideas for solutions and opportunities. It never worked. He got angry. I was irritated and disillusioned.

Now I do something different. I have stopped being the counseling mother and replaced her with a caring and curious mother who asks questions about how it feels and how he would solve his challenges. I let him take the responsibility and guide him to go with what feels like the right solution.

This continues to work for my family because I have closed down the Consulting Engineering business. What a relief for me. And for them.

I can only say: Practice. It makes room for magic when you no longer feel exhausted by the huge responsibilities you thought you needed to take.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Do You Play The Role of a Victim or a Martyr in Your Blended Family?

The victim takes less than 100% responsibility and martyr takes more than 100% responsibility.

Blended family

I know both roles well, because I am one of those women who can vacuum quickly and loudly. Fold the laundry in an energetic manner so that everyone around me is not in doubt that I am efficient. Performing and taking responsibility for their house and their clothes.

At other times I look down sighing loudly when I’m sure my husband can both see and hear me. I feel sorry for myself. I feel exploited, abused and worn down. If it were not for them, I would have a much better and easier life.

I could get an Oscar for both roles. I play them to perfection.

Looking at this from a distance, it seems almost ridiculous and a little funny, that I still resort to those roles when I “should” know better.

I do know better. I understand that I may choose to take 100% responsibility for my feelings. Yet it requires great awareness and responsibility, not to resort to the Martyr or the Victim role, which I know so well. Yet it is comfortable and I know the outcome.

But who am I, if I really take 100% responsibility for my feelings? Taking responsibility to stop in time and ask myself what I need and then give it to myself, instead of projecting the negative energy onto my family and give my children, husband and fusion children the blame for what is not working in my life?.

I really enjoy making them bad guys and me the heroine of my own staged drama!

When I use my energy to assess and blame my surroundings for their errors and shortcoming, I might as well also give them the appropriate blame and responsibility for my feelings.
Meaning that I do not have (the time) to look at what is actually happening in my life. The real cause of my feelings. What it is that really frightens me and makes me scared to think about.

If you don’t move towards fulfilling your desires and start listening to your inner calling, you (often) start projecting your frustration onto your family.

Seemingly a smart strategy, but it didn’t have the desired outcome; neither of loving presence nor of personal growth.

Maybe you’ve also tested it and have had the same bad experience. If not, please do not go there.

Practice instead stopping in time and take responsibility for what you feel. When the urge to resort to the victim or the martyr role arises, you can lovingly ask yourself why you need to sabotage your personal growth and what makes you feel uncomfortable or scared? Talk about what it is really all about. That you e.g. afraid of listening to the desire to have your own flower shop or coaching business.

Forgive yourself when you choose to play the role of the martyr or the victim and know that there is something deeper behind that you need to look at, when you are ready.

Much love,
Charlotte

When We In Our Partnership In a Fusion Family Are Not seen Or Noticed

I am married to a man who is always deeply absorbed in the things he chooses to spend his energy on.

He has many interests which are great when it’s me who is the center of his attention. But he has, strangely enough, also other things in life than me. Work colleagues, kids, taekwondo, spearfishing, harpoons, old things and all the things he collects.

He only does one thing at the time, which makes his concentration and focus on his project intense with a perfect result rich in delicious details. I can easily juggle several things at once without any problems. I am not very detail-oriented and can easily move my focus to and from my projects. An important difference between him and I.

I get seduced both through my ears and my nose. I want to hear his loving words, compliments and lovely thoughts about me. I want to hear how beautiful and wonderful he thinks I am. So I feel noticed and appreciated. I’m pretty sure that I share this desire with many other women – we like to be noticed, and listen to, so we feel loved, and love fills our hearts.

But when we in our partnership in a fusion family are not seen or noticed – yes, we will have problems. My husband is often engrossed in a project, and when I want to talk to him about something I consider far more important than what he is doing, I talk for a long time and think he listens, but discover that he was just looked at me without listening. His attention was given elsewhere. This scenario has made me angry a lot of times.

I did not understand why he could not just move his focus onto me. I was more important than a flipping harpoon. I was sad. Felt overlooked, taken for granted and non-important, because I was dependent on his attention, to feel loved.
It created a lot of drama and trouble in our marriage. I’m not the silent type, I was hurt and upset, and I let him know that. In between I also tried to manipulate him to give me what I missed, which only made him retreat even further away from me. So there I stood, with all my talents and all my threats.

The change came when I realized that I was believing in a lie. The lie was: No attention = No love. I equated his amount of attention to his feelings for me. One day I had the courage to ask in a non-dramatic way if his declining attention had something to do with me. The reply was prompt: “No, not at all!”

His focus was just somewhere else. His feelings for me unchanged, and he still felt that I was the hottest person ever.

When I really understood it seriously, I could let go of my dependency on his attention, when I needed it. So I concentrated on my own projects and my own life. It eliminated a lot of drama and problems in our relationship, and love had room to grow. We are now equal. I greatly appreciate his attention, but I am no longer dependent on it.

I have also learned that when I feel the old need for getting his attention, it’s time to give it to myself. So I praise myself and speak lovingly to myself and give myself attention. It removes the lack of energy and it also means that I actually get more attention from him, without pressure and expectation it all flow freely. That’s really the meaning of love.

I hope you feel inspired by my blog post to “test-drive” my version of self-fulfilling instead of expecting your partner to do it. You will like the results.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Use your surroundings as a mirror to grow as a person

“You can use your surroundings and especially the children as a mirror to show you exactly what you need to integrate and balance within yourself,” explained a wise woman to me about year ago.

I was furious when she told me that I should just change within myself and then my “messy” relationships (in this case with the children) would subsequently change as well. I would then get what I wanted, completely without a fight and manipulation.

I thought that if it really was true, why do all people and especially us in fusion families, not do this inner work? We are the ones, who most of all need to transform our relations challenges in order to grow.

Because many of us do not know that this is how things are. We do not know, we have a choice. We have given the power of our inner state of mind to our surroundings. Our peace and balance depends on how our relationships play out.

When our relationships are “messy”, they dominate our being. There is just no room for anything else in our lives. We have not the strength to develop.

I am currently in the process of getting an education as a spiritual mentor and I have some tips and tricks on how to handle my relationships, so they will be nurturing, loving, life-giving and meaningful and also give me energy, instead of taking my energy.

The first thing I realized was that my relationships always mirror, my relationship with myself. So if my relationship with myself is no good, I will experience a family and a world that is extremely “messy.” The good news is that when I start changing things inside me, my surroundings mirror them. There is less and less I would get irritated about.

So if I want to learn more about how things are in my mind, then I look at what my surroundings and especially the children mirror to me. I think it’s pretty cool that the things I do not like in my surroundings, are small hints to what I need to adjust and change within myself.

If I for example have trouble setting limits, I will constantly be exposed to people who push my limits. Again and again, until I have learned the lesson and found out what I need to change, those kind of experiences will quietly disappear from my life.

Then I begin to experience my surroundings and challenges I encounter as something possitive, which I am thankful for showing me on my journey to become an even more powerful version of myself.

So to take the outside world seriously and see our inner world being mirrored is one of the best self-development experiences we can feel. It is one of the fastest ways to get what we want and to learn more about how our relationships with ourselves really are.

The outside world always mirrors our emotions and therefore it is a good idea to know our feelings and know how we can improve our energy, so other people will begin to mirror it as well.

The other thing I have learned is that we always get what we expect from others. Our relationships live up to our expectations, so if I expect my kids to be annoying, they will be annoying, no matter what I say or do. Our surroundings almost transform themselves to live up to the role we expect of them.

Therefore, it is wise to look at our most important relationships and write down what we expect from them and look at whether or not they provide that. Then we can begin to turn our expectations turn or down and get what we want and our relations will quietly begin to adjust to our new expectations.

I think it’s clever and I’m doing it, it’s not easy, but it’s fun to practice. So try to practice, to expect something great and positive from your children, your fusion children and your partner. You will feel it in your guts and experience that they miraculously and quietly begin to meet your new expectations.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Avoid making a fatal error when you and your boyfriend talk about his ex

I had a good chat with an old girlfriend. We talked about her boyfriend’s ex. My friend was completely devastated and cried because of the ex-wife.

She had been so ‘thoughtless’ to ask her boyfriend how his ex-wife looked like, to which he honestly replied – “She’s beautiful.”

The answer struck her out completely, but she did not stop there. She also asked to ex-wife’s figure and was told that it was what you would probably called the ideal female body.

THE “INNOCENT” ISSUES
In itself an innocent question, as her boyfriend – unaware of the pervasive impact and still in a good mood – honestly answered.

My friend heard more than the phrase – “She is beautiful and has an ideal body.” She also “heard” her boyfriend say – “She’s beautiful, and you are not. She has the perfect body, and you don’t. I have to settle with you. If you want to keep me, you have to do something about yourself, otherwise I will leave you. ”

Do you recognize the feeling of having asked that question about your boyfriend’s ex and not want to hear the answer or know the truth about? (I can tell you it took my girlfriend more than half a year before she made peace with the answers.)

I can! I’ve done it again and again.

Isn’t it interesting? Although I should know better, I often fall into the
trap.

Why?

Because we will seek confirmation of our own worth and our boyfriend’s love for us through his-hopefully – criticism of the ex because we compare ourselves to her. We need to know that he wants us MORE than he ever wanted her.

She was better at cooking than us?
Was she better at sex than us?
She was more successful than us? etc.
Does our boyfriend in reality really
like his ex better? Maybe he wants her back.

STOP THOSE THOUGHTS
The concepts about the ex can be so overwhelming that they feel real. But it is
fare from reality. They are simply a product of our imagination.

The good thing is that you can do something about it. You can start practicing being a curious observer instead of an obsessed lover.

What actually happens inside my head?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• What did my boyfriend really say/do?
• What are the facts here?
• Is there anything I need to say to my boyfriend about my feelings?
• What do I need for my boyfriend do/say so I can get rid of those feeling?
• What can I do right now to change the focus?

You can practice being aware and honest about what is going on. When you finish this exercise you must do something for yourself, something that makes you happy.

Practice how to ask for a compliment from your boyfriend if you feel that you are about to turn into “ex-monster” person.

Love,

Charlotte