Avoid divorce in your second marriage. Copy the success principles of the Fusion Family concept, that “allows” you as a step-mom to parent and discipline your step children with the acceptance and support of your spouse.

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Do you get done what you want in your life? Are you in an action-SPIRAL or in a inertia-SPIRAL?

Most of us know deep down what is good for us. What is needed, is that we have the optimum in all our areas of life.

We know what and how to eat.
We know how to work-out.
We know if the job we have, has been nourishing for us, or simply a source of regular income, so we can “survive”.
We know about the relationships we are in, if it makes us more of who we are or less.
We know that the friendships we have, if they are complete us or drain us.
We know about the place we live, if it nourishes or depletes us.
We know whether we are satisfied with the way we fill the roles we have; parent, girlfriend, step-mother, daughter or sister.
We know, if we choose to learn from the life situations we experience, or if we choose to be overthrown or do other wrongs.

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber
We have all the answers we need. We HAVE an overview. We know the “action areas” that need to be taken care of and adjustment. But we have not done anything about it. The days go by. Tomorrow I will do something about it. On Monday I will. Next year THEN I will take action.

When we do something, it’s often all or nothing. We keep at it for a few months. Then we are back. In a blistering ACTION SPIRAL or a massive INERTIA SPIRAL.

WHY? I think it is based on several things:

The desired result. Our “WHY” (do something about it) is not motivating enough or defined by anything outside ourselves. Society. Traditions. The family. Norms. Should and would.

We have become “addicted” to emotions. The familiar is safe for us, EVEN though it is bad and destructive for us. We are not accustomed to feeling good in all life areas. We are confident with our mediocre satisfaction. We talk with friends about it. We find comfort in what is hard and unfair.

We do not want to take responsibility for our lives, because we can not foresee the consequences. We are trying to figure out what will happen, IF we do something about things. It overwhelms us and makes us paralyzed, so we stay where we are. And perhaps numb out to keep going.

Are you at all WORTHY of The Good Life? Is it ok that someone like you is doing well, or does it fit with the story you created about, what you can accomplish in this life? The stories we tell ourselves are very important for what we imagine we can accomplish (and are worthy) of anything and everything in our lives. Is YOUR life story supportive or abhorrent?
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Maybe you are thinking: It is not normal for me to feel good. There has been SO much bad in my life, that I no longer believe that something positive will happen to me! I have given up. Just trying to survive as best as I can. To you I would say: You CANNOT be POWERFUL and a VICTIM simultaneously. You have to choose. You can ALWAYS choose to go down the drain with your life situation or emerge through it – with an open or a closed heart. Know that love really is the only thing. EVERYTHING else is the ego’s fear talking. We choose whether we are listening. Although it is unconscious.

Are you trying to imagine WHO you will be if you take 100% responsibility for all your life areas working optimally? The answer may seem daunting to many of us. Who or what can you say GOODBYE to, if you demand the best for yourself in your life? What kind of opposition from others would occur, if you did something about it? What impact would it have on you? The answer seems overwhelming, so we remain who we are.

Perhaps in your reality, you do NOT know anyone who does not have drama in some area of their lives. Who do you even talk to and about what, if complaining or drama is not in the game? Are you lonely? Who can you talk to about your desires and wishes, when you decide to create the best life you can possibly have?

Charlotte Egemar Kaaber Family Mentor
I was at the funeral last week. My wonderful, loving second-cousin. 46 years old. With three small children. Suddenly she was removed from this earth. Unexpectedly and suddenly.

It made a deep impression on me.

I always think I have tomorrow. Or Monday. Or next year. But I do not actually know.

I magine how my second-cousin in the coffin is looking back at her life.

Her loved ones. Her footsteps. Her contributions to the world. To other people. Was she proud and happy about the life she had created? I hope she saw how many people who had come to say thank you and goodbye. She was loved. By so many. She had played her role of a lifetime so incredibly beautiful.

Nothing like death trigger reflections on life!

I looked at my own life. Am I happy and proud? Today? Right now? Although I hope for tomorrow. And yet another Monday. And a next year. Is there something I would like to change?

The answer is YES, there IS something I want to do something about. In respect for myself. And to support myself in the “version” I want to be, I now walk the steps.
One small step at a time.

It need not be large, hard step I take, but small loving step in the direction that nourishes me and where I am proud of myself.

Which tiny steps can YOU make today, so that you can become your future self? And again tomorrow?

Let us reach for the stars.
Let us inspire each other to turn the inertia spiral into a loving and nourishing action spiral, so we do not settle.
Let’s talk solutions instead of problems.
Let us strive to create harmonious fusion families instead of discordant (by doing what it takes).
Let’s talk possibilities instead of limitations.
Let’s rewrite an inhibitory life story into a supporting one.
Let us open our hearts again and again, EVEN when life challenges us.

 

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber

Let’s squeeze as much joy and love out of life as we can.

This also applies to the love of ourselves.

Let us use death as a memorial to Celebrate Life. Every day.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Child disciplining is a source of eternal disagreements – understand why and what you can do about it

Do you know the feeling of discovering that you suddenly find yourself fully engaged in
“arm wrestling” with your partner? In a heated discussion where one word becomes many unintended words.

You have stopped listening long ago. You are only concerned with one thing. Being right. Winning the discussion. At any cost. The arguments no longer have meaning. It feels like you are threatened to death, so that’s why you need the victory. For redemption of getting the anger out of your system so you can have some peace.

Fact is that here you have two people, each with their position on a topic. Therefore, there really is no winner of the discussion, but rather two hurt people who need to retreat and reflect on the hard words spoken.

The discussions in the fusion families about parenting often happen this way and it takes its toll on your relationship, if it happens too often.

Therefore, here is my best advice for what you must be aware of and a method you can follow to get through your disagreements and reach a common ground.

When the “storm” is brewing
When you disagree on the upbringing of your children, then it is good to know from which perspective you are discussing it.

Regardless of whether you both have children or not, the following statements are therefore worth looking at:
• Deep down do you think you’re doing pretty good and do not feel like your partner should interfere with the upbringing of your children? You can easily find out for yourself? You do not need his/her input?

• Deep down you feel mad when your partner points out something about your children and you feel it is a criticism of you.

• Deep down, you have not really accepted that both of you have a role in disciplining your children.

• Deep down you think it’s incredibly uncomfortable to discipline his/her children, just like you cannot stand it when he/she says something about yours.

How well do these statements fit you? Relax now – These statements fit most of blended families. You are not alone!

The good news is that now you are fully aware of how it works, so therefore you have the option to change it. But it requires patience, trust (from both of you) and plenty of practise.

Try to find out what it takes to get the statements to disappear – one by one.
Can your partner say or do something different?
What do you need to happen for you to accept and allow the disciplinary role?
Is it over a good glass of red wine on Friday night (while holding your hand) that you can best handle criticism or interference?

Be patient and loving toward yourself. Be honest with your partner and explain how you feel currently. It takes time, a long time…. But you will get there.

It is good to remind yourself that you must “build” your blended family from the same blue print and not on your own drawing solely.

How do you come up with a common goal?
Two families will become one. Two different forms of discipline and values have ​​to become one. Now you are able to apply what works and put it together in a new way, your way.

I will just remind you that there is no right or wrong way, but just two different ways of disciplining, each with its own result.

The only question is which outcome do you want?

If you think of 10 years from now, which values ​​do you hope to give your children?
How would you want them to be as citizens of this world? What are your key words?

They are sure to be some strong words. Save them in your heart.
Let them be your overall goal for your upbringing. Now we will look at how to achieve these goals.

Get together with your partner both physically and mentally. You will be a strong cohesive and coordinated team of educators for the kids. Perhaps they will object, but eventually they will be secure when you stick together as a team.

Talk to your partner about the following:
• How do we want it to be in our family?
• What is important for me when it comes to discipline? And for my partner? And why are these things important?
• What are the values ​​we want to give our children? And what do we believe is the best way to cultivate these values ​​in our everyday life with the kids?
• What is my position? And my partner’s perception of the practical things? (Download possibly my chapter on the topics of disagreements from the front page on my web site).
• Talk about what you think works really well in your respective ways of disciplining? What did each of you have good success with?

When you have completed the above discussion, you have charted some very important milestones for your children’s upbringing.

And here comes the hard part which you must each ask each other:
• What do you think does not work in my disciplining? (Try you best to listen while remaining silent, even if you don’t like what you hear)
• What do you want me to stop doing or do differently?
• Is there something in my children’s behavior which you would like to discuss?

Knowing what is important for each of you can take your educator role to a new and more conscious level, taking that into account and with care for the areas you each have a hard time with.

The goal must be that you will not (quite so often) “trigger” each other.

Have a good day. If you like my post please LIKE The Fusion Family – Spiritual Tools For Your Blended Family Life on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.
Sincerely,

Charlotte

Ps. My husband and I went for a walk alone, every time we disciplined each other’s children. I almost wanted a divorce every time, I was that furious.

 

 

5 tips to survive by when your boyfriend says he does not like your children

– “I do not like your children” – is the worst sentence you as a parent can hear. And especially when it comes from one’s partner. It is almost unbearable. You are ready to leave him/her on the spot!

Our spontaneous reaction will be anger or grief. We are fiercely defensive. We defend our kids (and ourselves) vigiously.

We do what we can to highlight all the fantastic situations where it’s obvious that our children are lovable.

The situation may seem quite unmanageable. How can we possibly continue with your relationship after this message?

How to handle the issue? I want to give you my best guess.

# 1 – Ask your partner
Find the courage to ask your partner what it is he/she dislikes about your child. Avoid going into defensive position (that’s a big challenge.)

Listen. Be on the lookout. Look for clues. Is it in the same situation your partner feel resistance against the child or is it in many different situations. What characteristics “trigger” something in your partner.

Find out what your partner feels is needed, so he/she can get a more positive perception of the child. Ask your partner to be as specific as possible.

What can the child do/say/handle differently?

Based on the answers to the various questions you can work together on a solution that is healthy for you all, realistic and possible to integrate. Remember to notice the smallest, but positive changes along the way.

# 2 – A “hidden” side of your partner
Your partner’s reaction to your children can also be caused by a trait or a side of him/herself that he/she is in denial about. Often these are called our shadow sides.

When he/she for example experiences your children exhibit “greed”, he/she might feel disgust. For him/her it is not okay to be greedy.

There is an English proverb that says it very accurately. And there’s something about it.
What you resist, will persist.”

Again and again we deal with the same type of people and situations.

I think we need to learn from the situation. When we have learned our “lesson” then these confrontations disappear magically.

Maybe your partner was never allowed to be greedy when he/she was a child. Maybe he/she was raised to believe that it is wrong. What did his parents think about greed?

Ask what happens if you “allow” yourselves (and children) to be greedy some times. (We all are in one area or another.)

Try to identify which stories your partner has attached to the word and see if you can find a way, so your partner can have “peace” with the word.

# 3 – Jealousy towards your children
My third bid can be said very briefly. Your partner might be jealous of your children. They “steal” time with you from him/her. And it can be difficult to make up for having to admit it. Therefore, jealousy is projected onto the children.

If you feel that jealousy is the reason for the resistance, then spend a few minutes every day, BEFORE you attend to the kids, by hugging and being present with your partner.

I bet you you’ll have a happy and smiling partner for the rest of the day. You gave him/her exactly what he/she needed (maybe he/she won’t even be conscious of it.)

# 4 – Service level is too high
Are you one of those parents who occasionally forget that children themselves have arms and legs. I did. I catered to my boys without any limits, making my partner angry. My boys seemed spoiled and without any initiative. I did not demand anything from them.

Is it something you can recognize from your own life? If it is, then see it as a welcoming opportunity to turn down the service level. But remember to inform your children that things will have to change from now on. There are new rules.

They will probably complain loudly, but will eventually get used to it. And best of all your partner’s annoyance with your children will hopefully change in proportion, as that will get your family to work as a team.

# 5 – Takes up too much
Honestly – Maybe your partner’s annoyance with your kids is reasonable. Maybe they are completely unreasonable and need to be put in their place. But maybe the children feel that they must compete with your girlfriend about your attention.

If you’ve been alone with them for many years, they had been accustomed to always have your full attention. They need time to get used to that you are no longer their sole “property.” But remember that it’s perfectly ok to tell them that you’re just busy with something else, but that you will return to them as soon as you have time. (It is mportant to remember to get back to them.)

It is a good opportunity to introduce children to the concept of “situational awareness” that they just may find out about what is going on around them. Notice what are the others are doing, before they start to yell for you.

When you show your partner that you give him/her priority status and say no to the kids with respect for both your relationship and them, it might help your partner to remember that habits take time to change. You must have patience. But it is worth being good at noticing the little progress that constantly will show up when you are consistent and loving in your demands of the children.

I hope you have found some new inspiration in my (long) blog.

Have a good day. If you like my post please LIKE The Worlds Biggest Fusion Family on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.

Affectionate,

Charlotte

 

Make The Joint Party With Your Ex A Success

I had my article from a danish newpaper translated for your inspiration.

You can use my principles with any joint party you have to throw with your ex’.

Here we go:
The dreaded confirmation or birthday party with yours, mine and our children and all the exes need not be a source of quarrels and tears. The Fusion Family Coach Charlotte Egemar Kaaber gives tips for how the big party can be a success in spite of family relations.

Kaaber wrote the book “The Fusion Family – How to succeed with your blended family” released in the U.S. in April 2011.

Quarrels, tears, compromise, jealousy and grief are part of reality in many divorced families when the teenager has his/her confirmation. And if the parents have formed new families, it is even more difficult to succeed. But it can be done.

– “It requires all adults around the child to consciously work on practicing inclusiveness, challenge the negative feelings towards the exes and his/her new family and decide that you will make an effort to have a good party despite all complications” says Charlotte Egemar Kaaber, continuing:

– “I’m not saying that it is easy. But I say that it is feasible. ”

In her book Kaaber establishes six game rules for the life of a successful blended family, and the same rules apply to a successful family union:

Clean up in our ‘baggage’
Define a goal
Be aware
Reconcile expectations
Know the pitfalls
Accept that things are not optimal

These rules must then be clarified and applied in the planning of a joint confirmation celebration, and the other set of parent must agree to collaborate. Not an easy task.

One or two parties?
By having one party with all relatives included, the child will not miss out on having the other parent present – according to Charlotte Egemar Kaaber – this is preferable. But if cooperation with the other parent is unattainable, you should clarify whether it is possible to bury the hatchet – if nothing else, before and during the confirmation party. Otherwise, the bad vibrations destroy the day for the child, and then it would be better to celebrate the confirmation twice by having two parties.

– “Often we use so much energy complaining, being angry, hurting or worse by being at ‘war’ with the exes. Difficult divorces can create violent emotions and drain our energy. And before you know it you only focus on the ‘danger’ of a joint confirmation celebration, “says Charlotte Egemar Kaaber.

Whatever the underlying cause of resistance to a joint celebration is, the thoughts and speculation about the horror of the joint arrangement will in most cases be much worse than in reality. To engage constructively with your opponent, you can ask yourself these questions:

● What am I deep down afraid of?
● What is the worst that can happen? And how can I minimize the risk of it happening?
● What is the best thing that could happen?
● How will I feel afterwards IF I were able to have a joint party?

Should the fusion parent participate?
Internally in the blended family, the fusion parent should of course help planning the party for his/her fusion child together with the parent. But whether the fusion parent can participate externally along with the biological parents depends on the ex’s reaction and also by how many years the fusion parent has been a part of the child’s life. What will seem most natural?

– “Basically I think the parent should suggest to the ex that all both set of parents should participate. If carried out, it may be a contributing factor to achieve a good relationship. It can break down some frightening images, you may have of each other. Furthermore the fusion parent’s role in the planning of the event may end up ensuring that the parents will succeed, “says Charlotte Egemar Kaaber and adds:

– “If it causes great trouble that the fusion parent participates in the planning, I do not think it is a struggle that is worth having. But the fusion parent should of course be at the party together with the biological parents. ”

The rules for the party
If you decide that you will cooperate in order to have a great party for your child, you should establish some ground rules. Do not expect that you can handle things as they come, but be aware that you are entering dangerous ground and therefore should take your precautions:

– Talk about what you will do to make the time before the party go smoothly so that the party will be a success
– Define parameters for problematic situations you will respond to
– Stay focused if the good mood changes
– Plan what you are doing, if the cooperation stops (eg. time out for a week)
– Clarify the details of the party, number of guests, budget, wine, dessert, cake table, etc.)
– Clarify who does what and when
– Be ready to compromise
– Accept that the festivities will not be exactly as you plan
– Remember that it is the child’s guests – all of them, so be financially generous regarding who should pay for the guests.

During the party
On the very day it is also good to be mentally prepared, so that you have a few tools ready in case the situation with the ex suddenly becomes difficult.

You must be prepared that both you and your ex will risk regressing back to your old roles forwards each other pushing the same old buttons. It is just as important to remember that your reactions to your ex often are an accumulation of previous and similar situations and feelings and not the current situation. So if you detect anger or irritation glooming, you can:

• Keep focused on your breathing for a few minutes, it removes the focus from your thoughts
• Take some time out by going the bathroom for a breather
• Ask yourself these questions: What is happening in reality? What are the facts here?
• Try to change focus
• Decide to leave your old role towards the ex behind and see things from the outside
• Rejoice in your own mind that you are no longer with your ex
• Immerse yourself in the lovely sight of the wonderful child

If anything – despite good planning – exceeds your control, you must consult your ex. But remember to stay neutral and don’t show anger. Be conscious not to make a big deal out of it and explain to your ex how you feel. If it is outside your influence to change what happened or was said let it go. Just explain how you feel and let it be. Then you have done your part and shown your limits, that’s all there is to it.

It is worth reminding yourself that you are not in any life threatening danger, although it might feel that way, but it is the THOUGHTS that create these violent emotions. Have positive images ready in your mind which makes you happy until the anger dissipates.

The child will no doubt appreciate that parents and fusion parents have made an effort to give him or her a good and joyous celebration.