For a fusion parent this apparent discrimination is interpreted as a lack of acceptance and recognition from his/her partner’s parents that their son or daughter is now established in a new relationship with “new” children.

The grandparents must redefine their roles
The grandparents seem unaware that their child has made a choice that also has an impact on their roles. That they cannot just continue as before, but have to redefine their roles. Ask yourself – what do we do now?

It is even worse, if the grandparents still have the old wedding photos hanging of their son/daughter’s previous marriage, which the fusion parent will get ‘smacked’ in the face when he/she is visiting.

It is hard to feel welcome.

My father-in-law already had a daughter-in-law
Such was my own situation. From my father-in-law’s point of view. At the first visit he reported to me clearly, that he already had a daughter-in-law and there wasn’t room for one more. Which I probably should be able to understand.

He explained further that his ” daughter-in-law ” of course had been in his life for many years, so she had priority over me.

I was somewhat flabbergasted. I really could not help but laugh, because it was so crazy an announcement to make, that I actually was not even hurt, but instead replied boldly that I then would have to fight for my place as a daughter-in-law. And preferably get priority.

He didn’t think that was possible to which I replied: – “We’ll see,” and smiled as I added that it was certainly not a choice he had, whether I would be in his life or not and that he eventually had to accept both me and my boys.

That remark made him pause and smile.

I ended up getting a close and loving relationship with my father-in-law, although I initially had to fight for my legitimacy in his life.

Talk to grandparents
It’s a great idea to talk to your parents about how to embrace your new family. Maybe they do not know how to handle the situation and what you expect of it. Why do they behave as usual, because they know it works.

By talking to your parents about your expectations, you will protect both them, you, your spouse and the children from disappointment, anger and hurt feelings.

If the grandparent situation is an issue in your blended life, I hereby give you my top 5 tips you can refer them to or to use as conversation topics.

Tip 1: Treat all children – biological or fusion equal and fair
Treat your fusion grandchildren the same way you treat your biological grandchildren. Do also hug your fusion grandchildren. Your grandchildren call you grandma or grandmother, and when your new grandchildren have been in your life for a while, you can encourage them to call you “grams” or “granny” if they wish. It sounds nicer than using your name (and also because they already have a grandma and grandmother).

Practice how to remove the labels “biological” and “fusion” from your head so you are aware of treating your grandchildren equally.

Tip 2: Be interested in the new fusion grandchildren
Ask about your new fusion grandchildren. Invest time to get to know them, their friends, hobbies and interests. Do something with them. Talk to them. Find their uniqueness.

It will make them feel very welcome.

Tip 3: Remember special days
Write the new fusion grandchildren’s birthdays in your calendar (also your new daughter-/son-in-law’s birthday). Send them a card on that day, write down important events like a play at the school which the child is to participate in. Then you have an opportunity to ask how it went.

Tip 4: Do not get “stuck” in the past
Your adult child is now in a new family. Recalling the “good old days” with the former spouse and how comfortable you were together is not a good idea. Let the past be the past. Also take down the old wedding photos you have hanging, so your new daughter-/son-in-law feels welcome in your home.

Tip 5: Listen to your adult child without taking sides
If your adult child is calling and complaining about how challenging it is to live in a fusion family, then listen to him/her. Just listen to him/her, even if it is difficult. Do not take sides and say something negative about your new daughter-/son-in-law and her/his children. You can actually easily come to regret it later.

Support your son or daughter when they do their best to be a good parent, fusion parent and partner in their new family and remember that your primary task as a grandparent is to care about all of your grandchildren.

Your loving investment will come back tenfold in the form of a larger family who will love you and bring you joy.

Love

Charlotte

On the back of the book it stated that your love language may be as different from your partner, as Chinese is different from Danish.

What makes you to feel loved is not necessarily the same as what makes your partner to feel loved.

The American author Gary Chapman has written the book ‘The five love languages’ which has become a bestseller.

The essence of the book is that there are five types of love languages: Appreciative words, time, gifts, favors, and physical contact. And that we prefer one or two of the languages.

It really makes sense to me when I sometimes feel that my husband and I do not send and receive at the same frequency.

The book gave me the recipe for how I can send on his frequency, so he feels loved and appreciated and the (hopefully) big benefits it can bring to our relationship (read me).

What will it take for you to feel loved by your partner? What will it take to make your partner feel loved by you?

The different answers to the two questions can be the key to successful communication in your blended family.

Often we treat others as we wish they would treat us. So by looking at what your partner does for you, you might figure out his/her love language. If you are unsure about your partner’s love language, you can test the different languages to find out which one has the best results and the happiest partner.

It is a very important to recognize that we feel loved in different ways. That some of us mostly feel love by physical touch and without it we feel unloved, while others mostly feel loved when their partner takes the time to listen to them and feel unloved when they are not heard.

According to Gary Chapman’s test of love languages, I am bilingual. My love language is a mix between recognition and favors. I feel happy when Jégwan recognizes and commends on what I do and I feel very unloved when he criticizes my projects. I love when he does things for me that are important to me and may well feel unloved and abandoned, if he does not prioritize the things I think are important.

When our partner speaks our language we feel complete, but we must still remember that we are responsible for completing ourselves.

Take a look at your relationship. Which love language do you speak? And which one does your partner speak?

What can you do today, to speak your partner’s language, so you can help him/her to feel loved?

Create your own little love project for 2 weeks with a focus on your new insight and notice the small miracles that will see the light of day.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

We often react to children’s behavior with irritation and anger and experience a fierce internal opposition to what they do and say. We scold them and try in every way possible to stop what bothers us externally, so we can feel good again.

Fact is that our children often reflect the feelings, we need to look at, to raise our consciousness and grow as people. Often we just do not bother to look at what goes on inside of us emotionally, choosing instead to unconsciously adjust to the outside world. We ask them to change and behave correctly so that we can have some peace of mind.

We postpone our own growth.

What I have learned is that the situation with the children repeats itself. Again and again. Suddenly it’s not just the kids that reflect emotions in me, but also other people. As if my world has conspired against me.

I feel a strong emotion like: “GET A GRIP, WOMAN!” And I can no longer hide.

The feeling I do not want to ‘look’ at keeps popping up in all sorts of guises. Like a beach ball that constantly insists on coming to the surface, no matter how hard I try to keep it underwater.

The noise will continue until we are willing to stop up, relinquish our resistance, dive into our feelings and become aware of what it is we do not want to feel.

Which emotions do the children reflect? Is it greed? They take up too much space/time? Are they self-centered?

Try to see if you can get to the root of where opposition to the feeling of e.g. “greed” was sown. Maybe you will find out that it was not ok in your home to be greedy. It was an ugly thing that was not allowed, something that should be stored away.

The feeling you have tried to displace and therefore you are provoked or angry when watching others live it out in front of your eyes.

I believe that all people contain all emotions, but ‘volume-wise’ we are very differently.

It can help you to try to allow, accept and integrate the “forbidden” feelings in your life. Find areas where it may for example be ok to be greedy.

The next time the kids get to you, do you bother looking in the mirror.

For each transformation, you will notice an increased amount of new energy you suddenly have at your disposal, which you can use to manifest your dreams and visions for your life.

Love,

Charlotte

To find out, that I now am at a place in my life, where the cooperation with our respective exes is so good that this was possible, completely unproblematic to ‘unload’ the children to them, while we went to India to fulfill our selfish desires. That is just great.

It has not always been this way. It has taken many years to reach this mutual respect for each other’s lives and desires. And it for sure can be difficult if you do not understand the priorities of your ex.

Our respective exes gave way to that we could live out a dream that would give us new opportunities in life.

It is a momentous milestone for me to have reached a point in our cooperation in regards to the children, which goes beyond our lawful agreement. It is easy and uncomplicated and therefore opens up new possibilities for us all.

With this blog I will give you courage and hope for a future good cooperation with your ex, even though the present might be filled with anger and resistance. It’ll come.

But you should expect that it can take years and require great patience. But you’ll get there.

Extreme feelings from or towards your ex will not last forever. They subside. Time is in your favor and heals all wounds. Quiet and calm, almost without you noticing it.

But suddenly you find yourself on the other side. You made it through. Your ex has made it through as well. You can feel the relief.

You no longer waste your energy on sabotaging or fighting each other, but suddenly voluntary step in when your ex wants a change in life.

The time will come, you should believe that, even when resistance feels massive.

The more we make of what we are really passionate about, the more all-encompassing and happy parents we become. You can lovingly remind yourself of this, if you or your ex wants to live out a dream, which requires an effort from both of you.

Happy parents create happy children. And that desire, we can all agree about.

I wish you all the best.

Love,

Charlotte

I sat beside a very beautiful woman, who lived in a nuclear family. We came to talk about travelling and our attitudes towards travelling – with or without our children.

The woman was very indignant at the fact that many of her friends who lived in blended families always went on trips without their fusion children.

She did not understand the way they prioritized and wanted to know my opinion. As she said: “How will these families ever come to feel they belong together, if they don’t prioritize travelling together? Vacations create unity and shared experiences.” I could only agree with her.

Our conversation inspired me to write this blog and challenge your attitude towards travelling with or without children.

Let’s look at why we choose to do what we do and why there is not always consistency between the goals we have long term and our short term actions.

This is why we choose the simplest solution
Your partner suggests that you take a trip together, just a short trip. You are so excited about the idea and can already imagine how nice it will be. That is until he/she suggests that you bring the kids. Your heart sinks into your chest and you can feel the resistance grow inside of you. Your mood changes for the worse.

Why? Because the idea of ​​traveling with children do not appeal to you all. Quite the contrary. You feel it will ruin your vacation, if the children are coming along.

You do have options when you feel the resistance grow inside you
First. You can choose to accept your resistance and say no to the trip with the children, despite the fact that you have to prepare yourself – again and again, to face your resistance in various guises throughout your blended life. What you do not deal with will continue to exist.

Second. You can choose to view your resistance as a sign that there is room for self-development. Time for learning. You can get to the bottom of your resistance to travel with the kids and do something about it. You know that for every rock you turn the more flow you will get in your life.

Of course I would recommend option two. You have probably already guessed that. I don’t advocate sticking your head in the sand.

Let us look at your resistance by asking the following questions:
#Which stories about the children create your reluctance to travel with them?
#How do you think they would ruin your vacation?
#What does it require of you that you have no desire or energy for in regards to travelling with the kids?
#What do you want to get out of your vacation? And how can you get that, if the children are included? (Bargain with your partner for a little alone time.)

We have to remind ourselves that it is not only inconvenient to bring the children along, but there are also benefits and plenty of opportunities to make deposits to the “solidarity account” and keep the focus on the common goal of wanting to be a blended AND united family. We cannot reach that goal without investing in shared experiences.

What are benefits of traveling with the children?
Where do you think it would take you as fusion family?
How do you think the kids will feel about the fact that you prioritize giving them this experience?

Try to make a plus/minus list of pros and cons of traveling with children.

Even if you choose to take a trip with your partner only and without the kids, I suggest that you also take trips with all of the children, even though it is challenging and difficult.

Please remind yourself of my saying:
“Being part of a blended family is a source of constant personal development.”

You take a big step up the ‘development ladder’ by traveling with children.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

I think it’s a wonderful idea that we pay tribute to the greatest and most healing emotion there is. For the love of ourselves and others is what must carry us through life.

Maybe you’re the lucky one who has found love again. And at this time of the year you are considering how to tackle the situation. You have children and maybe your new found love also has children.

You are deeply in love, but are still considering to stay put. In the safe spot you know so well. The kids know. You are afraid of their reaction, their condemnation or sorrow. The situation seems just (too) complicated and confusing.

Go for cloud nine
Deep in your heart there is a great yearning to give yourself to your new love. Dive into it and give yourself permission to live on cloud nine. You know deep down that there is something in this world, you ought to listen (more) to and can rely 100% on. That thing is your heart.

Since I am a hopeless romantic, who loves all the stories about the genuine and all-absorbing love, I will with this blog help you find the courage to go all the way. Bet everything on love. Do not settle. It is simply too good and too important.

Before we start looking at which reactions you can expect from your children, I ask you a few reflective questions to support you in holding on to love, in case you encounter resistance along the way.

When you’ve chosen the best partner who will work hard to invest and care for your children, then:

# Why do you feel guilty towards your kids? Remember you are a great role model to them, who show and dare to stand by your choices, and also walk the path of love.

# Do you think deep down, it is reasonable for your children to indirectly determine whether you should be with your partner or not? This is an adult decision and the children have no right to veto. It is also a huge responsibility to indirectly make our children responsible for our love life.

# What do you think would happen if you made decision about your children’s love life? They would most likely not allow you. Surely they would object to your interference.

Keep the above answers in mind when you read on and remember also that they unwillingly (perhaps) test you on, how determined you are in your decision.

This is how you can expect your children to react to your newfound love
If you’ve been alone with your children for a period of time, you can expect some of these reactions:
#They become angry at you. Feel great concern for the other parent. How will their mother/father feel if you found a new love?
#They become angry and jealous and feel your new partner is a threat to them and that they must compete with him/her for your love.
#They are sad because they think they are ‘in the way’ and you’d rather spend time with your new partner.
#They become possessive and might want to have all your attention, so there is no room for your partner. Maybe they talk non-stop.
#They might threaten you with wanting to be with the other parent, if you want to be with your partner, while they are at your place.
#They can also react with silence and non-verbal blame, where you almost become non-existent in their universe.

First and foremost, I reassure you that none of the feelings our children may have in the beginning of our newfound love will persists. The immediate reaction and the associated feelings change. Time is in our favor.

Children will get used to the new situation. Just be very patient and caring, and very loving, insistent and persistent in your communication with them. And most of all, stand firm on your decision.

Do not second guess yourself when it comes to your decision, that way you only extend their “grief process.” If they sense that they can make you feel guilty or better yet, they’ve made such a big scene that you consider ending the new relationship, because it is not worth it, you might suddenly feel.
Breathe deeply and stand firm. It’s just a phase, although a very tough one.

Depending on your kids’ reaction, it is important that you try to listen to their reservations about your relationship, so you can understand their concerns. Try to reduce their feelings of loss or grief through loving actions.

Just remind yourself that you should not give the children permission to wedge themselves between you and your new partner. You should not feel that you have to choose. You are entitled to both. You need to lovingly explain to them what you expect and require of them.

Explain to them also that you are sure that your newfound love will make you a better parent.

Allow your children to respond freely, while comforting and listening
If you follow my advice, you as a parent take 100% responsibility for the situation. You set the children free to respond naturally so they do not have to speculate about what will happen now or whether you are now confident in your decision.

You have explained to them what they need to know and slowly be able to recreate the assurance that you are still in their lives and everything will be alright now with a new love in your life and a new adult in their lives.

Let them quietly get used to the idea and give the same answers (often on the same question) when they ask over and over again, just to make sure that you still think the same way.

I hope that my blog post has given you (some) courage to lead with an open heart when it comes to love.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love,

Charlotte

Until that day I had incredibly difficulties saying no to my fusion children Oscar and Andrea. I was somehow afraid of them. Afraid for their response to me. Or more accurately, I was afraid that I would not handle their response in an “adult-like” and authentic manner.

I did not dare to correct them. Instead, I chose to ‘hide’. Oozed and insinuated things. Said things between the lines. If it had been my own boys, I had reprimanded them without hesitation. And without feeling bad about myself.

Very unfairly, I took my irritation out of my own boys, hoping it would rub off on Oscar and Andrea. That they could sense I was irritated and gave them an indirect hint.

It went on like this until the day I looked out the window and saw that Andrea was about to take off on her bike WITHOUT a helmet. I ran out the door and gave her quite a spontaneous bashing, where I clearly explained that I was not going to debate with her whether or not she should ride with or without a helmet!

I gave her the helmet and went back inside. Watched her through the patio door, where she was about to buckle on her helmet firmly. Suddenly I realized to my great surprise, the largest and broadest smile on her face. Super happy she took off.

That smile and that moment made something crystal clear to me. To set boundaries and show how we adults want things to be is to care and it is an expression of love.

I had with my anger and my demands shown Andrea that I loved her. It made her happy and secure.

The episode made me look at and revise my role as parent and fusion parent to all my four children.

I discovered that:
I asked the children too often about their opinions and gave them too many options. Do you like this? Do you like that? Would you like meatballs or chicken? Do you want to go here or there? Etc.

I concluded that:
Children like to have set boundaries, so they know what they are to expect. Everything should not be discussed or negotiated.

The parents (also the fusion parent) should not be afraid to set the agenda. Because when we do that, the children don’t have to try to figure things out, guess, ask or sense what is right or wrong.

When we live up to our roles as parents and clearly define the rules of the game, we give our children space and the right to disagree with us.

The children know where we stand and where they have us. It is in my opinion, security and care. Even if children do not agree and think we are a little tough.

Maybe you can recognize yourself in my story. And let yourself be inspired. For me it was a relief (I also hope for my fusion children) that I found the courage to live up to my role as a parent in their lives.

I’ll give you 3 tips on how you can practice living up to your role as a parent towards your fusion kids.
Remind yourself that practice makes perfect and be kind to yourself if you are a chicken (like I was) and hide from your fusion kids.

Tip 1
Practice with small and easy subjects first e.g. you can start by enforcing the rules at the dinner table.

Tip 2
If you have an issue that is important for you to establish rules about, but you do not really dare to get started, ask your partner to help you along the way. Let him/her be physically next to you, the first few times you introduce them to kids. It will give you peace of mind.

Tip 3
If you are afraid of speaking out, stop and ask yourself, what and why are you afraid of? What are you afraid of would happen, since you do not dare say no? Are you afraid that the children would distance themselves from you? Become mad at you? The fact that your partner might get upset with you? Try to find a way to reduce your anxiety. What can you do creatively not to feel so anxious?

I hope with this blog to have inspired you as a fusion parent and parent to (dare) become even more confident in your role.

Remind yourself that when you are true to yourself and live up to your role, then your kids know exactly what you stand for and how you want things to be.

You make it easier for them when they know the boundaries. They can just concentrate on having a good time. You have set them free.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

I contemplate “my and your children,” all of whom have been here for Christmas. Look how they have grown together and become real siblings, although they do not share the same genes. I feel gratitude, gratitude towards my blended life, which is a success. For all of us (at least, I think so.)

We defined way back a goal “that we would be a fully integrated family on equal terms with a nuclear family.” I feel we have achieved that, but there is still room for improvement. So now I’m ready for 2012 with new goals and challenges.

I have two overriding sayings that I try to live by and which I hope you will take to heart and apply in your blended life:

“What you focus on, you will get more of”
“Without goals, no direction”

Keep them in mind when you read on. I would encourage you to define goals for the New Year, both for yourself as a parent/fusion parent and also for your entire blended family. Because if you are conscious of what you want and also have considered the steps to achieve them, you will more likely get what you aimed for, than if you let chance be the deciding factor.

3 steps to achieve your goal as a fusion parent/parent/family

Step 1
So, what would be a good goal for you as a parent/fusion parent in 2012?
Would you like to have a closer relationship with your fusion children? Do you want to become more inclusive towards them? Do you want to have a closer relationship with your partner? How should your goal be defined so it will motivate you to take action?

Step 2
How will you know/recognize whether you have reached your goals? You should try to define some sort of check list, desired result or feeling, otherwise it may be difficult to recognize success, when you reach your goals. Many of us change our goals along the way and therefore we feel we never really achieved the goals or we are not quite satisfied with what we have achieved.

For example, if you want a closer relationship with your fusion child, what would indicate that you have achieved a closer relationship? Maybe it’s the ‘new’ confidence, you now share, which indicates that you’ve reached your goal? Try to define your “finish line” as specific as possible.

Step 3
Which steps must you take to get closer to your goal? What does your “roadmap” to look like?
For example, if you want a closer relationship with your fusion children, what concrete measures or steps should you take to set the framework for this to happen? Should you tell the children about something difficult in your life, and thus show your vulnerability? Should you do something special for them, which make them feel that you really choose them? Should you take a trip with them without their parent?

You can write your steps into your calendar so that you remind yourself of your overall goal, because the many everyday to-do lists tend to overshadow our good intentions for new paths and the goals we want to achieve.

I wish you the best for 2012 and may you reach your goals, creating happiness for both yourself and for your fusion family.

Many loving New Year greetings,

Charlotte

Fortunately, I also know that we can do something about it, if we take the time to pause, reflect, and be honest about our actions or lack thereof.

I found out that we all too often bring own unresolved ‘bagage’ from our past into our new blended family.

With this blog I want to help you get the ‘cleaning-process’ started or at first maybe just create awareness of “yes, yes she is right, maybe I should look at what my actions are based on.”

If you’re ready, the sooner the better (but later is also ok) let’s take a look at the foundation of your blended life.

Become aware of what controls your actions
I would like to ask you something. Do you feel guilty as a parent? Guilty about being divorced? Guilty about having new partner? Guilty about having left your ex?

What you feel guilty about is, initially, not so crucial, you just have to become aware that the feeling of guilt is (still) your ‘companion.’ Even if you lived in your blended family for several years, do not despair when discovering that the guilt is still there. It’s actually quite common.

There is a big difference in how we react when our feeling of guilt influences our actions:

We women might typically transform into the mother hen protecting our children against all ills, all defeats and always trying to save them from evil and not really allow our partner to discipline them. (Even if we know he/she is right in doing so, we do it better!)

The men might typically keep their distance, pretend everything is ok, withdraw and do not really set the necessary limits, neither towards the kids nor their exes all while their partner tells them they are a wimp.

The above two examples are exaggerated, but maybe you feel there is some truth to it or maybe you hear your partner’s voice as you read my words…(sorry.)

Regardless of our reaction patterns, we owe our children and our partner to change these conditions. It requires great courage, I know, but I believe that we can do it. Slowly, little by little we can become better and better at changing the conditions.

Clues to discover how you might compensate and divert
Most of us are, often unconsciously, compensate and sometimes divert when it comes to our children or ex, precisely because we feel guilty. We need immediate relief, even if it is short lived.

It is not sustainable in the long run and cannot form the basis for either a strong relationship or a healthy and honest bond with the children.

It is important for me to emphasize that when we act in accordance to our hearts and innermost values, then the relationship with our beautiful children and new partner will benefit.

So I want you to reflect on the following questions:

First: Are there situations where you don’t discipline the children and just let it go? If you find it difficult to answer, so you may want to compare it with how you would react in the situation, if you were still together with your ex.

Second: When you set boundaries towards your ex, do you find your partner criticizing you for not marking them clearly?

Third: Have you experienced situations, when your partner does not understand why you become defensive when he/she points out that your actions are NOT in the best interest of your fusion family?

Fourth: When you speak with your ex about the kids, are you using the word “WE” about your partner and yourself?. “WE” want the kids to etc. etc. instead of “I” want the kids to……etc. (Consciously using the word “WE” communicates to both to your partner and the world, that you are united)

From the answers to the questions above, I am sure that now you have a pretty good indication of how (or if) your feeling of guilt controls your actions. Then it’s time to do something about it.

What do we communicate to our children and our partner?
If we let guilt about being divorced control our words and actions toward our children, we tell them indirectly that our actions and decision were wrong.

Is this what you truly want to convey? Not very likely.

We must put ourselves behind the wheel of our lives and fully accept the choices we made and the impact they have on both our children and ourselves.

We must comfort the children when they are sad, but also help them realize the benefits they have now and in the long run.

We also have to show our partner, in words and actions, that he/she and the children are the most important thing in our lives now. That we will do everything we can to strengthen our new family and to set the necessary (and reasonable) limits for our children and the ex.

Make peace with the guilty conscience and get behind the wheel of your life.

Now I ask you to stop letting the bad conscience controlling what you do and stop beating yourself up. Praise yourself that you have the courage to read this whole blog. You should be proud of that.

What is done is done and you still cannot change the past, no matter how much your worry about it. Remember the positive outcome of the changes you made and will make in the future.

Your future guidance should now include the following questions:

• What would I do and say if I was not divorced? The answers will no longer influences the way you discipline your kids.

• If I always have my fusion family’s best interests in mind when I make arrangements with my ex, what is important for me to say in order to make me and my partner appear as a team?

If you’ve read my blog this far, I know you have started pondering that maybe there is something that before was blurred and now has become clear.

If you dare and are ready (otherwise wait few months), then have an honest talk with your partner about how he/she can help to no longer letting you be controlled by the feeling of guilt.

Always show loyalty to your relationship, both in words and actions. Show that your relationship and your family are your first priority…… and …… that the ex can wait until you and your partner decide on whether he/she will be invited over for coffee.

Have a good day. If you like my post please LIKE The Worlds Biggest Fusion Family on FACEBOOK and/or subscribe to my newsletter.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

After eight years of cohabitation, it is obviously not so strange, but when I start to sense the conversation’s content and seriousness, I get up to find my own phone.

I’ll just check and to make sure (just like that for good measure) that my son of course called his mom first, because I am closest to him, so he would naturally seek the advice of me first….or?

To my great surprise I see that he has not called. He has not even tried to reach me!

My spontaneous reaction is that I get hurt, because he did not choose to call me. My hurt makes me start the trailer for an extremely well-performed drama called “A mother who loses her son to her husband”.  Her son no longer trust her. Her son no longer believes that his mother is competent enough to be his advisor.

In my inner movie trailer, I see myself kicked off the winner platform. Right down to second place. From there I stare fiercely up at my husband.

My drama stops here fortunately. I manage to stop myself before my drama unfolds.

The conversation my husband and Nicklas had was (thankfully) so long that I got to listen, be touched and grateful and angry again, when I was told that not everything concerned me. And I had to accept it. I did this and thought “it’s all good.” Just how it should be. That’s what I had struggled to reach.

I will therefore in this blog help you to fill your role as a fusion parent and feel eligibility…. straight to the heart.

But before we get started I would just remind you to be loving and patient with yourself. Do not beat yourself up when you fail, become a coward, lose your temper, hide behind your boyfriend, or stop when your limits are reached.

Look at every challenge as a stepping stone, because each one of them is an important part of your development path towards being authentic in your role as a fusion parent. Expect that you must exert yourself in the role, again, again and again.

The 5 steps of filling your role as a fusion parent.
First:
Know yourself, your strength and vulnerability, so you can recognize your patterns and reactions when you get them presented in various guises. Know what you need and take responsibility for it, so you do not project your unmet needs onto the children. For example, you know you are jealous of the kids, then claim a little grown-up time with your partner, even when children are there. Half an hour’s loving presence time, when you get home from work, can create miracles for the rest of the evening. Create routines with your partner who supports you in the areas where you need it most.

Second:
You must have your partner’s full support, space and permission to engage in a disciplinary role towards the children. He/she must back you up, both in word and action. You must stand side by side and explain to the children that YOU also “govern” them. Stand together as a team affectionately towards the children. Get him/her to help you define your role. Be honest with him/her about your feelings (even if  you are ashamed.) Ask him/her to help you on the road.

Third:
Practice quietly saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to the kids. Define your limits towards them and be aware of what is going to be said in a positive way. Find little situations where it’s reasonably easy for you to do and practice them. Preferably with your partner in the room (in the beginning) so the kids can see that their father/mother “allow” you to express yourself. Remember to always say “I want to …. or it’s important for me to ….” Explain to kids what you want, instead of blaming.

Fourth:
Find your niche. Find the area you are passionate about where you can involve the children, completely independent of your partner. Children are (like us adults) attracted to enthusiasm. Perhaps you love to cook or gardening. Share generously of your knowledge and show the kids your passion for what you do. It will rub off, even if it does not immediately seem like it.

Fifth:
Make you own [mental] list of areas where the children might as well address you as their father/mother. Also give them their pocket money, make their sandwiches (do a little more than their father/mother), ask about their day, tell them about your day, do small (un-) visible things for them. Put for example a rose in their room for when they come home. Create your own charming characteristics that the children do not see in their parent. (You create small loving bonds). Show the children confidence, show them in word and action that they can trust you.

One day you will find that they come to you and not their parent. It’s big. Enjoy.

Help the children to see the benefits of having a fusion parent.
You and your partner should be good at highlighting the benefits of being a child of divorced parents and having “new” adults come into their lives and thus a larger family, with all positive pleasant socializing it brings.

Maybe not so pedagogically correct, but it also works to remind them of twice the amounts of gifts, birthdays, Christmas, holidays, etc..

Point out to the kids that they can take everything they like best from the adults in their lives. Who is best to talk to about boy/girlfriends? Who is best at baking their favorite cake? What is best at fixing things? Who is best at helping with homework?

If we are good at helping children to see the benefits of having received one or maybe two fusion parents in their lives, we help them (and us) to faster acceptance of their life now – “It’s what my father/mother chose and it is also good for me.”

I wish you all the best. I look forward to hear how you fill in you role as a fusion parent.

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Love,

Charlotte