Do You Feel That Your Blended Family is in The Way?

I have often felt that my family was in the way of my creativity and my sense of freedom. I felt trapped and it often made me angry.

I did not want to be considerate and to compromise for their sake. I was afraid to miss out on things in the real world, all the exciting and magical things, which could bring my life stardust.

I hated having to provide practical things like lunch, dinner, shopping and laundry. There were so many other exciting things I could spend my time on. That really made sense and that was not a waste of my precious time.

I’ve been venting so much in my martyr role that everyone around me was not in doubt that they were in the way and should feel great gratitude that I “sacrificed” my life, so that they could get food and have clean clothes.

I have felt guilty living my life that way. And was afraid that others noticed how bad of a person I really was. So I camouflaged it by “being on track with everything practical.” No one could put a finger on my efforts. I made sure of that.

My otherwise very warm heart quietly turned cold. As if a thick grid of barbed wire surrounded it. I kept people at a distance. Even my own family.

I felt that other people had done something to me. Abused me. Especially my family. Now I know that it’s not so. I have myself. I pulled myself away from them. Both physically and mentally. As a form of survival strategy. So I could stand being in my life.

Today I finally understand what happened.

I did not take 100% responsibility for my decision to be in a fusion family and the consequences it has. On top of that, I didn’t take 100% responsibility for my feelings and my needs, but instead used my family as the target of my unfulfilled creative needs.

On the other hand, I took more than 100% responsibility for family practically. I let myself exceed my own limitations. Both for myself and them. Did not take responsibility for defining what I wanted and what I specifically wanted to make time for.

I did not make an agreement with my husband to take turns to be with the kids so I could get a break. I just continued on in a martyr-like manner.

Now I do something else.

I practice every day to choose myself, as my main priority. I make time to do what makes me happy and allow myself to take breaks. Very often. In spite of the practical things that I should fix. It’s not easy, but absolutely necessary.

I practice having high energy and good humor despite all the practical things. And have become quite adept doing laundry with some good audio.

I train my ability to delegate tasks and be peaceful with the dust which should be removed. Just not when I’ve decided to write.

Giving priority to make more of what makes me happy gives me a surplus of energy and a deep joy. And I want to kiss my kids and my husband.

And it has been amazing to find out that when I am a good and loving person to myself, then I get BOTH stardust and great moments in life.

Love,

Charlotte

Are You Taking Too Much Responsibility in Your Fusion Family?

During my training as a Spiritual Mentor I encountered parts of myself, I have never noticed before. I even start sweating when new and deep knowledge insists on being integrated into my cells.

At first I thought it was due to a sudden onset of menopause, but now I know the symptoms and know that there is growth behind the sweating.

What a journey I’m on. It also affects my fusion family. I no longer play the role as victim or a martyr so often. So I get new results. Better results and much more in accordance with my wishes.

I now understand that when I take more than my own 100% responsibility, then the rest of my family members do not have to take their 100%. If I take both their and my own 100% responsibility, they do no take responsibility at all. Interesting…

I just need to take 100% responsibility for my own actions and feelings and let other people do the same. I am not responsible for saving them and fixing their challenges. Not even my family’s.

When my son Jonas told me about a challenge he had, I automatically rolled my consulting engineer’s business out overloading him with well-intentioned ideas for solutions and opportunities. It never worked. He got angry. I was irritated and disillusioned.

Now I do something different. I have stopped being the counseling mother and replaced her with a caring and curious mother who asks questions about how it feels and how he would solve his challenges. I let him take the responsibility and guide him to go with what feels like the right solution.

This continues to work for my family because I have closed down the Consulting Engineering business. What a relief for me. And for them.

I can only say: Practice. It makes room for magic when you no longer feel exhausted by the huge responsibilities you thought you needed to take.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Do You Play The Role of a Victim or a Martyr in Your Blended Family?

The victim takes less than 100% responsibility and martyr takes more than 100% responsibility.

Blended family

I know both roles well, because I am one of those women who can vacuum quickly and loudly. Fold the laundry in an energetic manner so that everyone around me is not in doubt that I am efficient. Performing and taking responsibility for their house and their clothes.

At other times I look down sighing loudly when I’m sure my husband can both see and hear me. I feel sorry for myself. I feel exploited, abused and worn down. If it were not for them, I would have a much better and easier life.

I could get an Oscar for both roles. I play them to perfection.

Looking at this from a distance, it seems almost ridiculous and a little funny, that I still resort to those roles when I “should” know better.

I do know better. I understand that I may choose to take 100% responsibility for my feelings. Yet it requires great awareness and responsibility, not to resort to the Martyr or the Victim role, which I know so well. Yet it is comfortable and I know the outcome.

But who am I, if I really take 100% responsibility for my feelings? Taking responsibility to stop in time and ask myself what I need and then give it to myself, instead of projecting the negative energy onto my family and give my children, husband and fusion children the blame for what is not working in my life?.

I really enjoy making them bad guys and me the heroine of my own staged drama!

When I use my energy to assess and blame my surroundings for their errors and shortcoming, I might as well also give them the appropriate blame and responsibility for my feelings.
Meaning that I do not have (the time) to look at what is actually happening in my life. The real cause of my feelings. What it is that really frightens me and makes me scared to think about.

If you don’t move towards fulfilling your desires and start listening to your inner calling, you (often) start projecting your frustration onto your family.

Seemingly a smart strategy, but it didn’t have the desired outcome; neither of loving presence nor of personal growth.

Maybe you’ve also tested it and have had the same bad experience. If not, please do not go there.

Practice instead stopping in time and take responsibility for what you feel. When the urge to resort to the victim or the martyr role arises, you can lovingly ask yourself why you need to sabotage your personal growth and what makes you feel uncomfortable or scared? Talk about what it is really all about. That you e.g. afraid of listening to the desire to have your own flower shop or coaching business.

Forgive yourself when you choose to play the role of the martyr or the victim and know that there is something deeper behind that you need to look at, when you are ready.

Much love,
Charlotte

When We In Our Partnership In a Fusion Family Are Not seen Or Noticed

I am married to a man who is always deeply absorbed in the things he chooses to spend his energy on.

He has many interests which are great when it’s me who is the center of his attention. But he has, strangely enough, also other things in life than me. Work colleagues, kids, taekwondo, spearfishing, harpoons, old things and all the things he collects.

He only does one thing at the time, which makes his concentration and focus on his project intense with a perfect result rich in delicious details. I can easily juggle several things at once without any problems. I am not very detail-oriented and can easily move my focus to and from my projects. An important difference between him and I.

I get seduced both through my ears and my nose. I want to hear his loving words, compliments and lovely thoughts about me. I want to hear how beautiful and wonderful he thinks I am. So I feel noticed and appreciated. I’m pretty sure that I share this desire with many other women – we like to be noticed, and listen to, so we feel loved, and love fills our hearts.

But when we in our partnership in a fusion family are not seen or noticed – yes, we will have problems. My husband is often engrossed in a project, and when I want to talk to him about something I consider far more important than what he is doing, I talk for a long time and think he listens, but discover that he was just looked at me without listening. His attention was given elsewhere. This scenario has made me angry a lot of times.

I did not understand why he could not just move his focus onto me. I was more important than a flipping harpoon. I was sad. Felt overlooked, taken for granted and non-important, because I was dependent on his attention, to feel loved.
It created a lot of drama and trouble in our marriage. I’m not the silent type, I was hurt and upset, and I let him know that. In between I also tried to manipulate him to give me what I missed, which only made him retreat even further away from me. So there I stood, with all my talents and all my threats.

The change came when I realized that I was believing in a lie. The lie was: No attention = No love. I equated his amount of attention to his feelings for me. One day I had the courage to ask in a non-dramatic way if his declining attention had something to do with me. The reply was prompt: “No, not at all!”

His focus was just somewhere else. His feelings for me unchanged, and he still felt that I was the hottest person ever.

When I really understood it seriously, I could let go of my dependency on his attention, when I needed it. So I concentrated on my own projects and my own life. It eliminated a lot of drama and problems in our relationship, and love had room to grow. We are now equal. I greatly appreciate his attention, but I am no longer dependent on it.

I have also learned that when I feel the old need for getting his attention, it’s time to give it to myself. So I praise myself and speak lovingly to myself and give myself attention. It removes the lack of energy and it also means that I actually get more attention from him, without pressure and expectation it all flow freely. That’s really the meaning of love.

I hope you feel inspired by my blog post to “test-drive” my version of self-fulfilling instead of expecting your partner to do it. You will like the results.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Use your surroundings as a mirror to grow as a person

“You can use your surroundings and especially the children as a mirror to show you exactly what you need to integrate and balance within yourself,” explained a wise woman to me about year ago.

I was furious when she told me that I should just change within myself and then my “messy” relationships (in this case with the children) would subsequently change as well. I would then get what I wanted, completely without a fight and manipulation.

I thought that if it really was true, why do all people and especially us in fusion families, not do this inner work? We are the ones, who most of all need to transform our relations challenges in order to grow.

Because many of us do not know that this is how things are. We do not know, we have a choice. We have given the power of our inner state of mind to our surroundings. Our peace and balance depends on how our relationships play out.

When our relationships are “messy”, they dominate our being. There is just no room for anything else in our lives. We have not the strength to develop.

I am currently in the process of getting an education as a spiritual mentor and I have some tips and tricks on how to handle my relationships, so they will be nurturing, loving, life-giving and meaningful and also give me energy, instead of taking my energy.

The first thing I realized was that my relationships always mirror, my relationship with myself. So if my relationship with myself is no good, I will experience a family and a world that is extremely “messy.” The good news is that when I start changing things inside me, my surroundings mirror them. There is less and less I would get irritated about.

So if I want to learn more about how things are in my mind, then I look at what my surroundings and especially the children mirror to me. I think it’s pretty cool that the things I do not like in my surroundings, are small hints to what I need to adjust and change within myself.

If I for example have trouble setting limits, I will constantly be exposed to people who push my limits. Again and again, until I have learned the lesson and found out what I need to change, those kind of experiences will quietly disappear from my life.

Then I begin to experience my surroundings and challenges I encounter as something possitive, which I am thankful for showing me on my journey to become an even more powerful version of myself.

So to take the outside world seriously and see our inner world being mirrored is one of the best self-development experiences we can feel. It is one of the fastest ways to get what we want and to learn more about how our relationships with ourselves really are.

The outside world always mirrors our emotions and therefore it is a good idea to know our feelings and know how we can improve our energy, so other people will begin to mirror it as well.

The other thing I have learned is that we always get what we expect from others. Our relationships live up to our expectations, so if I expect my kids to be annoying, they will be annoying, no matter what I say or do. Our surroundings almost transform themselves to live up to the role we expect of them.

Therefore, it is wise to look at our most important relationships and write down what we expect from them and look at whether or not they provide that. Then we can begin to turn our expectations turn or down and get what we want and our relations will quietly begin to adjust to our new expectations.

I think it’s clever and I’m doing it, it’s not easy, but it’s fun to practice. So try to practice, to expect something great and positive from your children, your fusion children and your partner. You will feel it in your guts and experience that they miraculously and quietly begin to meet your new expectations.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Less action, more couch time in your blended life

How would your life look like if you eliminate all the obsessive or fear-based action?  How much of a difference will it make for your stepfamily life and for your life in general?

Questions I asked myself and it came from the reflections below. Hopefully you will be inspired.

Imagine the following scenario: It is Monday morning and with genuine
curiosity, you ask your colleague how her weekend was. In a 15-minute of uninterrupted and excited flow of speech, she tells you in details about how busy she has been, how much she has achieved, how effective she was, how well she has spent her time and how angry she was at her man as he tried to sneak in a nap on the couch, after he went to the recycling center with four loads of stuff. But she prevented him from taking a nap, just in time, fortunately.

You begin to fear what you need to answer when she asks what you’ve been up to this weekend. You have nothing done. Not even the laundry, cleaned or cooked. The feeling of your soft couch, this exciting book and the taste of the delicious take-out is all you can remember. You’ve just been relaxing wasting time, really wasting time, unproductive.

You suddenly feel ashamed of your inefficiency and laziness, trying frantically to come up just a little story you can blow up a bit so it sounds like something.

You hesitate, as it is your turn to tell, you can’t quite find the words and voila, your colleague takes over. Again. She has forgotten something. You are relieved. You do not need to unveil your laziness. History repeats itself next Monday. And next Monday. And next Monday.

STOP. Please. Just for a moment and reflect on the following:

Why do we love to talk about how efficient we are?
Why is it so important for us to share our business with others?
Why are our Facebook updates often characterized by long sentences with
everything we have achieved?
Why do we praise and recognize action and effectiveness?
And most importantly, why do we always need to stay busy?

I love action and I am proud of what I do and achieve. But I’ve noticed how many of my own and others’ actions that are coercive or fear based.

Actions we do to avoid something or out of fear that something will happen or “that’s just the way it is rule.”

We make rules like we MUST be clean EVERY Saturday. Grocery shop EVERY Monday.
In-laws time EVERY Sunday and eat meatloaf EVERY Wednesday. We have to run or work out 3-5 times a week out of fear of becoming fat, although we do not really want to or even enjoy it.

But when it is raining outside and we can NOT trim the hedge, weed, wash windows, mow the lawn or run, we are quite happy. We are – quite legally and socially accepted – exempt from the act.

Interesting…

“All possessions cause trouble” – my husband’s wise grandfather said. And he’s so right. Can’t we just lower our standards a little? Everything does not need to be perfect. Our neighbors might feel uneasy about our perfection any way.

But we have to start somewhere, so we shouldn’t we agree – that from today –
all obsessive and fear-based actions are socially unacceptable? That from now
on and as often as possible, we act only because it would be fun or we feel
like it….. (there are actually people who think it is fun to clean.)

I am excited to tell my mother, who has “CURTAIN CLEANING” and
“REFRIGERATOR CLEANING” in her calendar, about this.

It will also be a relief for those of us who have succeeded in creating a
schedule we do not have the energy to maintain, where the entire week is full
of things we need to accomplish.

I hereby decides that we ALL are – just in one month – prohibited from making compulsive and fear-based actions. Doesn’t it sound great?

It is hereby recognized and socially acceptable to lie on the couch all weekend.

I think many of us would breathe a sigh of relief when feeling excluded from a mega heavy responsibility and instead lounge on the couch, eating chocolate and drinking red wine as early as 4pm on Saturday afternoons.

In reality, I wish we have to learn a new language.

I dream – of course only tentatively – that words like busy, efficiency and optimization would disappear from our vocabulary. Instead, words like: being, love, vulnerability, intimacy, curiosity and enthusiasm would be used with the same frequency and zeal.

With the new language it should also be the law that the new “being-words” are to be received by an equally large and enthusiastic cheer as the old “doing-words.”

A sentence like: “I sat and stared out into the thin air with my mouth open for an hour” is to be appreciated in the same way that “I have cleaned the windows and baked a pie” would have been.

Let’s turn down the action and instead turn up the being, where we are alive, breathing human beings.

From this condition we act when inspiration is there and it feels easy and fun.
We will not be driven to only achieve.

We take collective responsibility. When we encounter people in our vicinity,
who do not know or have forgotten the new language and the new laws, we lovingly
bring it to their attention.

I love to imagine the world and the families that we can create if we quietly
begin to go from an almost 100% doing to 80% being and 20% ​​doing based on
inspiration and joy, instead of coercion and fear.

The new standard for the good life and the world I would love to be a part of,
as with all change, I still have to start with myself. Maybe you want to help to
introduce the new language to your world and to your fusion family?

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” I would go for a walk,
because I like.

Many loving greetings,

Charlotte

Avoid making a fatal error when you and your boyfriend talk about his ex

I had a good chat with an old girlfriend. We talked about her boyfriend’s ex. My friend was completely devastated and cried because of the ex-wife.

She had been so ‘thoughtless’ to ask her boyfriend how his ex-wife looked like, to which he honestly replied – “She’s beautiful.”

The answer struck her out completely, but she did not stop there. She also asked to ex-wife’s figure and was told that it was what you would probably called the ideal female body.

THE “INNOCENT” ISSUES
In itself an innocent question, as her boyfriend – unaware of the pervasive impact and still in a good mood – honestly answered.

My friend heard more than the phrase – “She is beautiful and has an ideal body.” She also “heard” her boyfriend say – “She’s beautiful, and you are not. She has the perfect body, and you don’t. I have to settle with you. If you want to keep me, you have to do something about yourself, otherwise I will leave you. ”

Do you recognize the feeling of having asked that question about your boyfriend’s ex and not want to hear the answer or know the truth about? (I can tell you it took my girlfriend more than half a year before she made peace with the answers.)

I can! I’ve done it again and again.

Isn’t it interesting? Although I should know better, I often fall into the
trap.

Why?

Because we will seek confirmation of our own worth and our boyfriend’s love for us through his-hopefully – criticism of the ex because we compare ourselves to her. We need to know that he wants us MORE than he ever wanted her.

She was better at cooking than us?
Was she better at sex than us?
She was more successful than us? etc.
Does our boyfriend in reality really
like his ex better? Maybe he wants her back.

STOP THOSE THOUGHTS
The concepts about the ex can be so overwhelming that they feel real. But it is
fare from reality. They are simply a product of our imagination.

The good thing is that you can do something about it. You can start practicing being a curious observer instead of an obsessed lover.

What actually happens inside my head?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• What did my boyfriend really say/do?
• What are the facts here?
• Is there anything I need to say to my boyfriend about my feelings?
• What do I need for my boyfriend do/say so I can get rid of those feeling?
• What can I do right now to change the focus?

You can practice being aware and honest about what is going on. When you finish this exercise you must do something for yourself, something that makes you happy.

Practice how to ask for a compliment from your boyfriend if you feel that you are about to turn into “ex-monster” person.

Love,

Charlotte

What do you think the kids would say about you if you were no longer here?

I was asked that very question in (yet) one of my self-help books. The author wanted me to reflect on the issue and if I, of course, unthinkable, did not like the answer I thought the kids would give, I had many years to rectify the situation, hopefully.

The author further urged me to ask my husband, on a scale of 1-10, how good a wife I had been this week. If I scored low I had to ask him what I needed to do in order to obtain a higher score.

I was not prepared to hear the response from my husband Jégwan. The probability that I would be angry, feel unfairly treated and NOT seen was great. I know (from experience) that it is a bad idea to ask questions, if you do not want to hear the answer. I was a coward. I admit it.

But the question about what the kids would say about me if I was no longer alive, I regarded as fairly harmless, so I went for it and asked my youngest son Jonas.

“Jonas, when I die, what would you say about me to your friends?” From his facial expression I suddenly felt that I would not get the answer I expected, so I quickly added that he could answer anything he wanted and I would not get angry.

Jonas looked hesitantly at me and replied: “I would say that you were such a health conscious mom, who often got angry at me and cursed me out.”

I manned up, swallowed my automatically generated defense speech, and asked what I should do differently going forward, if I were to change his view of me.

I should stop being so mad at him, because he didn’t like that, which I understood perfectly well, but I was getting angry for a reason and it was important for me to know if he understood why I got angry.

He did indeed. We found a good compromise, where I had to give him a clear reminder that now it was about to go wrong for the two of us again. Then he would be able to choose to act and or do something different and I should be more aware of when he triggered something in me.

I even had the courage to ask him again after a few months. And I got praise.

“You are doing much, much better now, mom.” I was told.

That made me really happy.

Maybe it seems like a trivial exercise, but it is incredibly powerful, because based on the feedback we receive from our loved ones, we can assess how well we are doing.

It is through feedback we learn something about ourselves and then be able to improve ourselves.

The feedback we receive hopefully reflects the person we want to be. And if it isn’t so, we should change our behavior, so we can get a more desirable feedback.

I hope you let yourself be inspired by my story and conduct your own ‘test’ within your fusion family, if you have the courage and desire to do so.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

When grandparents of blended families treat the grandchildren differently

As a blended family, it may be painful to experience the grandparents treating their grandchildren differently. The “real” grandchildren get more attention and are pampered, and the fusion grandchildren seem non-existent in the grandparents’ minds.

For a fusion parent this apparent discrimination is interpreted as a lack of acceptance and recognition from his/her partner’s parents that their son or daughter is now established in a new relationship with “new” children.

The grandparents must redefine their roles
The grandparents seem unaware that their child has made a choice that also has an impact on their roles. That they cannot just continue as before, but have to redefine their roles. Ask yourself – what do we do now?

It is even worse, if the grandparents still have the old wedding photos hanging of their son/daughter’s previous marriage, which the fusion parent will get ‘smacked’ in the face when he/she is visiting.

It is hard to feel welcome.

My father-in-law already had a daughter-in-law
Such was my own situation. From my father-in-law’s point of view. At the first visit he reported to me clearly, that he already had a daughter-in-law and there wasn’t room for one more. Which I probably should be able to understand.

He explained further that his ” daughter-in-law ” of course had been in his life for many years, so she had priority over me.

I was somewhat flabbergasted. I really could not help but laugh, because it was so crazy an announcement to make, that I actually was not even hurt, but instead replied boldly that I then would have to fight for my place as a daughter-in-law. And preferably get priority.

He didn’t think that was possible to which I replied: – “We’ll see,” and smiled as I added that it was certainly not a choice he had, whether I would be in his life or not and that he eventually had to accept both me and my boys.

That remark made him pause and smile.

I ended up getting a close and loving relationship with my father-in-law, although I initially had to fight for my legitimacy in his life.

Talk to grandparents
It’s a great idea to talk to your parents about how to embrace your new family. Maybe they do not know how to handle the situation and what you expect of it. Why do they behave as usual, because they know it works.

By talking to your parents about your expectations, you will protect both them, you, your spouse and the children from disappointment, anger and hurt feelings.

If the grandparent situation is an issue in your blended life, I hereby give you my top 5 tips you can refer them to or to use as conversation topics.

Tip 1: Treat all children – biological or fusion equal and fair
Treat your fusion grandchildren the same way you treat your biological grandchildren. Do also hug your fusion grandchildren. Your grandchildren call you grandma or grandmother, and when your new grandchildren have been in your life for a while, you can encourage them to call you “grams” or “granny” if they wish. It sounds nicer than using your name (and also because they already have a grandma and grandmother).

Practice how to remove the labels “biological” and “fusion” from your head so you are aware of treating your grandchildren equally.

Tip 2: Be interested in the new fusion grandchildren
Ask about your new fusion grandchildren. Invest time to get to know them, their friends, hobbies and interests. Do something with them. Talk to them. Find their uniqueness.

It will make them feel very welcome.

Tip 3: Remember special days
Write the new fusion grandchildren’s birthdays in your calendar (also your new daughter-/son-in-law’s birthday). Send them a card on that day, write down important events like a play at the school which the child is to participate in. Then you have an opportunity to ask how it went.

Tip 4: Do not get “stuck” in the past
Your adult child is now in a new family. Recalling the “good old days” with the former spouse and how comfortable you were together is not a good idea. Let the past be the past. Also take down the old wedding photos you have hanging, so your new daughter-/son-in-law feels welcome in your home.

Tip 5: Listen to your adult child without taking sides
If your adult child is calling and complaining about how challenging it is to live in a fusion family, then listen to him/her. Just listen to him/her, even if it is difficult. Do not take sides and say something negative about your new daughter-/son-in-law and her/his children. You can actually easily come to regret it later.

Support your son or daughter when they do their best to be a good parent, fusion parent and partner in their new family and remember that your primary task as a grandparent is to care about all of your grandchildren.

Your loving investment will come back tenfold in the form of a larger family who will love you and bring you joy.

Love

Charlotte

Do you dare being yourself as a stepparent or are you afraid of your stepchildren?


As I sat in my bathtub this morning, I suddenly remembered an episode I experiences years ago with my fusion daughter, which immediately changed my view of my role in her life.

Until that day I had incredibly difficulties saying no to my fusion children Oscar and Andrea. I was somehow afraid of them. Afraid for their response to me. Or more accurately, I was afraid that I would not handle their response in an “adult-like” and authentic manner.

I did not dare to correct them. Instead, I chose to ‘hide’. Oozed and insinuated things. Said things between the lines. If it had been my own boys, I had reprimanded them without hesitation. And without feeling bad about myself.

Very unfairly, I took my irritation out of my own boys, hoping it would rub off on Oscar and Andrea. That they could sense I was irritated and gave them an indirect hint.

It went on like this until the day I looked out the window and saw that Andrea was about to take off on her bike WITHOUT a helmet. I ran out the door and gave her quite a spontaneous bashing, where I clearly explained that I was not going to debate with her whether or not she should ride with or without a helmet!

I gave her the helmet and went back inside. Watched her through the patio door, where she was about to buckle on her helmet firmly. Suddenly I realized to my great surprise, the largest and broadest smile on her face. Super happy she took off.

That smile and that moment made something crystal clear to me. To set boundaries and show how we adults want things to be is to care and it is an expression of love.

I had with my anger and my demands shown Andrea that I loved her. It made her happy and secure.

The episode made me look at and revise my role as parent and fusion parent to all my four children.

I discovered that:
I asked the children too often about their opinions and gave them too many options. Do you like this? Do you like that? Would you like meatballs or chicken? Do you want to go here or there? Etc.

I concluded that:
Children like to have set boundaries, so they know what they are to expect. Everything should not be discussed or negotiated.

The parents (also the fusion parent) should not be afraid to set the agenda. Because when we do that, the children don’t have to try to figure things out, guess, ask or sense what is right or wrong.

When we live up to our roles as parents and clearly define the rules of the game, we give our children space and the right to disagree with us.

The children know where we stand and where they have us. It is in my opinion, security and care. Even if children do not agree and think we are a little tough.

Maybe you can recognize yourself in my story. And let yourself be inspired. For me it was a relief (I also hope for my fusion children) that I found the courage to live up to my role as a parent in their lives.

I’ll give you 3 tips on how you can practice living up to your role as a parent towards your fusion kids.
Remind yourself that practice makes perfect and be kind to yourself if you are a chicken (like I was) and hide from your fusion kids.

Tip 1
Practice with small and easy subjects first e.g. you can start by enforcing the rules at the dinner table.

Tip 2
If you have an issue that is important for you to establish rules about, but you do not really dare to get started, ask your partner to help you along the way. Let him/her be physically next to you, the first few times you introduce them to kids. It will give you peace of mind.

Tip 3
If you are afraid of speaking out, stop and ask yourself, what and why are you afraid of? What are you afraid of would happen, since you do not dare say no? Are you afraid that the children would distance themselves from you? Become mad at you? The fact that your partner might get upset with you? Try to find a way to reduce your anxiety. What can you do creatively not to feel so anxious?

I hope with this blog to have inspired you as a fusion parent and parent to (dare) become even more confident in your role.

Remind yourself that when you are true to yourself and live up to your role, then your kids know exactly what you stand for and how you want things to be.

You make it easier for them when they know the boundaries. They can just concentrate on having a good time. You have set them free.

Sincerely,

Charlotte