Are You Okay With Being Who You Are?

I’ve been a part of my fusion family for more than 10 years. It’s been a long journey. Back to myself. When I moved in with my husband I had no idea how much it would require of me.

I did not know then that it would be the core of a massive personal development. Every day. 24/7. I’ve was tired, wanted to run away. Shouted. Cried. Scolded. Felt lonely. Was jealous. Felt like giving up. But also very happy. I felt alive. Felt life. For better or worse.

I grew with the job. Nice and easy. Practicing daily daring to be a fusion mom. Which demanded heroism. Looking back I now understand why it has been so difficult for me. I felt completely out of integrity. Didn’t do it for me, but instead spent my energy on making my husband and kids in the wrong. Pointing the finger at whatever, I did not like.

I felt ashamed of my violent feelings. I should know better. I was the adult. But it didn’t feel like that.

I now know that the mental wounds I incurred as a child had not healed when I met my husband, and the wounds had now been triggered. My little wounded inner child reacted violently, while the adult part of me did not come into play. Every time my hurt feelings were activated, a new opportunity to heal myself arose. I integrated the sides of myself I would not acknowledge. Every time I took the lessons seriously, my irritation vanished like snow in the sun.

I understood that if I wanted to be whole again and get back to my inner core, I now had the chance. I could use my family for my own growth. Quietly, I closed the energy gaps and looked lovingly at my inner wounded child. It felt really good to be me now.

First and foremost, to be in an extended family is about leadership. About your personal leadership. That you dare stand up for yourself. Take the full responsibility for who you are. For better or worse. Show your children in words and actions who you are. What you stand for. When you get off track, you show them both through words and actions, how to get back on track again. Then they will do the same. The children do what we do, not what we say.

When you are okay with being who you are, you show your children the way and inspire them to take leadership in their lives.

Miracles Happen When the Emotion of The Blended Family Is Used As a Catalyst For Personal Growth.

Fusion family or not, everybody wants the same; a nourishing relationship with their family. Being in a family where there’s okay to be who you are. Where love is unconditional and not dependent on how you behave and what you do. To know you are loved no matter what.

Projections and arguments accumulated to win the battle
I know that life in many blended families is dominated by quarrels and conflicts. Blame and projections, arguments accumulated and all energy are put into making the other part feel guilty. The battle to win is intense.

This way you will not get the result you want. Therefore, it is advisable to adjust towards the desirable outcome. What do you want more of? And what do you want less of? Find out what to change in order to get another and better result. Without change there is no gain. What you focus on you get more of.

Conflicts as an opportunity for personal growth
I will suggest a different path, a method that transforms the way of viewing the world. It requires that you are ready to take 100 % responsibility for your feelings. Consider conflict as an opportunity for personal growth. And stop asking your family members to change themselves.

Everyone in your blended family can be allowed to be who he/she is. No need to change themselves, to make others comfortable.

This method requires in its simplicity that you consciously choose to use the family as a mirror.

The point is that you are triggered by something. Instead of responding to the outside, look at the situation as a catalyst for a new awareness. Choose to see the situation as a mirror that shows an imbalance or a part of yourself, that now has the opportunity to get integrated or balanced.

The family members reflect the development issues
Let me give an example: The man in the blended family is really good at relaxing and enjoying himself whereas the woman feels she is constantly working and fixing things around the house. When the man’s “laziness” triggers her, she can instead of cursing him out and making him in the wrong, use the situation to grow and change.

She can ask herself: What does my husband show me, is it something I do myself and should stop doing? Or is it something I need to do myself?

The woman is being triggered by the man because he reflects a development issue. That she needs to relax more. When she gets the “mirror lesson” she should take responsibility to give herself what she needs.

Sometimes the mirrors which are held up are not quite identical. Sometimes you have to look carefully for the reflection.

For example, if one of the kids are yelling and screaming really loud, you immediately want to ask the child to quiet down because you cannot stand it. Again, ask yourself: Does the child show me something I do myself and should stop doing? Or is it something I also need to do? What do the emotions mean? What do they tell me?

In this case it could mean that you have been raised by parents who taught you that it is not okay to shout and scream and especially not in front of others. Therefore you may have for years swallowed your feelings and not expressed them.

The child mirror you and you now have a chance to heal that side of you. You need to practice expressing your feelings.

If you choose to consider your family and the world in this way, then it’s fun to live. Instead of making others wrong and ask them to change, you can now choose to look at all situations as an opportunity for growth.

Magically, annoying situations within the family disappear, as soon as you’ve learned the lessons which the mirror shows.

Do You Feel Lonely In Your Blended Family?

A while ago I was interviewed for an upcoming TV show on a Danish TV station about the biggest challenges of the blended family, both from a professional and personal perspective.


I suggested to the reporter that we discuss the topic of loneliness, both about children and adults feeling lonely although they have family around them. We can help families to more intimacy and cohesion.

When we first began to unfold the topic, it dawned on us both that it is not only a dominant feeling in blended family, but often in traditional families as well. They’ve just never been asked about it.

In the fusion family is legitimate and understandable that we complain and feel lonely, including being outside the union with our partners and his / her children. It evokes others’ sympathy, understanding and care. We get absorbed in the feeling. We cultivate it.

Loneliness in the nuclear family often make people feel wrong, different and alienated. And does either make themselves or their family seem wrong. They isolate themselves mentally. Do not talk about their feelings. Suffer in silence.

The good news is that we can do something about loneliness, if we are willing to take responsibility for the feeling and practice in a new behavior.

Feelings of loneliness have nothing to do with whether you are biologically related or not. Fusion Family or not.

Loneliness feelings are proportional to your ability to share honestly and authentically with the people you live with. The more you share about yourself and your feelings without making your family wrong, the more they will want to do the same.

If you close your heart, distance yourself and play the role of a passive observer of your life, then it is bound to go wrong and loneliness occurs.

Practice sharing your feelings, tell how you feel. Start small and slowly, as you become comfortable with your new open style.

Also know that you will be a huge inspiration for the rest of your family.

Finally, I will remind you that love is the most important of all. So isn’t it worth trying to make sense of loneliness in life?

Are You The Heroine And Your Ex The Villain?

Most of my clients are women. They exhibit a specific behavior in relation to their ex. They compensate. If their ex does not behave towards the children as they think he should, then they try to balance things on their side.

I coached a woman with two boys. The boys complained that they had too many duties with the father. The woman listened to the children and decided that they should have none with her. The children soon found out that if I complain about dad to her, then I have my way with her. I will not be “burdened” with anything by my mother.

I asked the woman if she was satisfied with the solution. She was not. She was annoyed with her ex. I asked her to describe what she would demand of the boys if her ex was not part of the problem. The response was immediate. She was not in doubt. The boys would be part of the community and help out.

Do not compensate for your ex. You cannot compensate for your ex. If your kids complain about conditions in their father’s, just listen to them and assess whether it is something you have to agree with him about. Or if the kids are older, they can even take it up with him. The best part is that the challenges are to be solved where they occurred.

It is good to assess whether the problem goes under the category “children’s well-being” or “minor issues.”  Choose your battles wisely. If you take the fight with your ex, be aware of your motivation and your way of speaking. Speak gently without anger and condemnation.

When we compensate for our ex, we do so indirectly to make ourselves be heroines and our ex to be the villain. It feels good immediately, but in the long run, we give our ex the power to decide what the kids should contribute, within our own house.

Within our four walls we determine whatever our ex can do. Within our ex’s four walls he determines what works. Everything else creates imbalance, dependency and anger.

 

Seen From The Outside, Do You Have Everything That Would Make You Happy

A while ago I watched the broadcast “Stop the Rat Race.” I cried . I was so distraught over the values ​​we live by in Denmark . The woman in the broadcast was sadly just one of many.

It was never intended that we should work so hard for our college degree, so we can get that well-paid job and afford a beautiful house, two nice cars with the man whom we also have a pair of fashionably correct children. After the long to-do lists , we take care of it all as perfect as possible. It feels like being in a hamster wheel .

From the outside, our life seems perfect. We ooze of success. We have mastered it all. It’s all immaculate . We are a successful fusion family . We participate in the PTA , parents’ councils and sports clubs. We do whatever it takes.

We have been told that it is happiness . Now that we have it all, we are not happy. On the contrary . We are about to blow up. And many of us have created a life we do not have the energy to maintain.

We conclude that there is something wrong with us. That we are wrong. And we are ashamed of our ingratitude . We do have everything.

But we have overlooked the fact that the version of happiness our parents and society presented to us is not necessarily our version . Your version of a happy life can look very different .

A number of years ago I stopped and asked myself how many things in my life I would stop doing if there were no spectators at ? Where I did things just to get others’ recognition and respect or to appear “right.”

If no one knew I did it and I was not allowed to tell anyone about it , would I still do it? Very interesting questions and many interesting answers that I do not quite wanted to hear.

If we want to live an honest and authentic life , we need to listen to the answers that come and adjusting accordingly . What is my version of a happy life ? What are my core values? How can I get them in the game already ? And what should I choose in my life?

We trick ourselves into thinking that we do things for the sake of others , but often the truth is that we do not dare say no because we do not trust ourselves. Confident that we can manage other people’s reaction to our “No.”

I said “no thanks” to the family dinner, and to be on the parents’ council and to Christmas Eve with my parents . Without any lengthy explanations . I ‘ve dropped my tendency to ” explain-my-ass-off.”  I do not have to justify my life all the time. Not even to my parents.

I trust that other people are able to handle my “no.” Their response is their responsibility not mine. I let others think what they want about what they see when they look at me and my life. I cannot influence or control their reaction any way.

Instead, I remind myself daily that life is intended to be fun, easy and pleasurable . 

Do your kids decide when they want to be with you and with your ex?

When kids are 12 years or older it is often the case that they have more and more influence on when they will stay with. It is like that in my life.

My oldest son stayed more and more often with Jégwan and I. It was more convenient for him due to his work and his girlfriend. Both my children go to school in the town, where I live. Their father lives an hour’s drive away. So it seemed like a natural progression that my oldest son stayed more and more with us.

Previously, Jégwan and I never had the kids staying with us on Mondays and Tuesdays as well as every other weekend. I loved those days without obligations. Every other Tuesday, I had the great joy of being home alone. Those days I totally enjoyed. Treated myself to girl movies, so I could cry a little, drank red wine and soaked in the bathtub or sang 80s songs which no one else in my family wanted to listen to.

My girlfriends mirrored my uncertainty about whether it was ok to speak out against the children. They believed that the children should be able to stay as much as they wanted at our house. If I said no to them, then they would feel unloved. And unwelcome.

What kind of mother would I be, if I said no to my children? I was afraid to hurt them if I said no.

Slowly, I began to become more and more annoyed with the kids. I oozed on the inside without words. Every time the Socializing Agreement went off schedule, I could feel how I became more and more angry. Because I missed my “days off ” like crazy .

Was I a bad mom, if I didn’t want the kids with me all time? At first I thought: Yes, I am. I felt ashamed.

After a few months it dawned on me that I had lost my integrity and begun to blame the children for my lack of peace and joy. I had to change. Take my feelings seriously. For my own sake and for my children.

If I didn’t have the courage to express what I needed, how would my children ever learn that? They could clearly feel my energy and that I was very irritable, even though I tried to hide it behind a smile.

I had to go talk with my children if I wanted to remain authentic.

I explained to the boys that I need these kids-free days, because I can only recharge alone. And that Jégwan and I need to have time together without children. My son asked me if I did not want the best in life for them. I do of course, but it must be within the framework of the adults around them. And not vice versa.

I believe that if the adults are good at listening to their own needs, take responsibility for them and make sure to fill themselves up and have caring relationship, then we are good role models for our children. We show them the way.

So I ask my boys to respect the fellowship agreement we have.

It may sound harsh and unfair, but on the hand, our kids are always welcome here, because we have recharged and ready for visitation.

If I had not listened to my feelings I had grown into an angry and belittled Martyr who did and said the right things, but felt unhappy. That wouldn’t work in my book. I believe that this kind of energy is harmful to children.

Clear and honest communication on my own behalf is the way to a good relationship with the kids. Even if what I do communicate, doesn’t suit them, my job is to accept that they do not agree. I try to be true to myself and stick to my core values.

I told the boys that they are always welcome to ask if they want to stay for here longer, but it must be agreed on from time to time. I need to know what I can count on and plan around.

Yesterday my oldest son asked if he could stay longer. I could clearly feel that I was almost in tears because I had been looking forward to being home alone. So I said no, it does fit with my plans.

He wanted to know what I had planned, since he could not stay longer. I started to mess around with a long explanation to cover up my bad conscience.

My beautiful son looked smiling at me and said: “Mom, can’t you just honestly say that you would enjoy some time alone with red wine and movies.” He was just curious. I did not need to justify it, even though he said he was in doubt whether I loved him.

He then teased me and added: “Mom, I know just which buttons to push.”

I am so happy and proud that I dared to be true to myself. My boys have had a happier mom and they know that when they are here, I enjoy them.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

You are so selfish. What about me?

When I was a child I let my girlfriends consistently determine the games we would play. Avoided skillfully situations where there was the slightest risk that I could be called selfish.

A selfish person was the worst. The synonym for a bad person.

I felt a great inner satisfaction by keeping an eye on the others. Indignantly I would point my finger at some one, as soon as I saw them behave selfishly. I ran a tight inner score board. Me vs. the outside world.

I constantly measured my friends’ behavior and I made sure to always be ahead on points.

As a child I was shown that selfishness was a bad thing. An almost criminal and unforgivable behavior. A trait which made me unloved. Unsympathetic. Friendless. Something I had to hide the fact that I possessed.

The seeds of my “pleaser” gene had been sown.

I never defended myself. Did not listen to what my needs and wants were. Was only concerned with what others thought, felt and did. I customized myself. Had subjected me. And did my best to always deliver in relation to the expectations that I thought others had of me. I had to not disappoint any one.

In no way was that the life I dreamed of. On the contrary. It made me angry and judgmental and I took it out on my fusion family.

Now I do realize that the only thing I really can be, is selfish. I’ll take good care of myself. Before others. Only I am responsible for fulfilling my needs. It’s not other people’s responsibility. It’s mine.

Good balance is created when we fill ourselves up first, before we do something for others. We must give to other people from a “full cup” for them to feel good about receiving. Caring comes from our emotional surplus.

If we give to others from an “empty cup”, we easily angry at the world or feel sorry for ourselves, because the world did not satisfy our needs.

When we do something for others, we must train ourselves to do it with a pure heart. Without expecting anything in return. Only because we want to and NOT because we want their recognition of what we do, should be the real motivator. Then we set ourselves and others free.

I think it is worth going for.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Increase Being Present in Your Life and Understand Why the Family Does Not Always Feel Close to You

I always thought that in relation to my own fusion family and my extended family I would always be able to feel an intense presence. A loving complicity and a deep sense of cohesion.

The kind of feelings I thought came with our common history. The family bond.

It has been great grief to me to discover that this is not unconditional.

I had a deep yearning to be able to share myself. With no filter. To feel loved. Unconditional. Despite disagreements. And quite regardless of what I stood for, believed or did.

I thought that with the family relationship the ability to be 100% presence was given. That was a claim I could make and they could rightly expect the same of me. An unwritten covenant that we could go everywhere with each other. No taboos. Precisely because we were family.

I now understand that the ability and courage to be present has nothing to do with the family relationships. The ability to share yourself with others is all about confidence in ourselves. If we do not have that confidence then we cannot handle other people’s reaction to what we want to share with them, so we let things be. So do they. Family or not.

We fear their rejection. That we are wrong. Therefore, we filter our hearts. Tone ourselves down. Adapt to the expectations we think there are of us. Also in our fusion family.

A filter can be between 0-100%. If we have 100% filter on our hearts, we cannot give or receive love. At all. We cannot feel it in our hearts.

The experience of being present in our lives is proportional to the thickness of the filter we have put on the heart. We can only give and receive presence in relation to it. The same applies to our relationships. Also, our closest family.

We all need a relationship where we can share by ourselves 100%. Where there are no taboos. Where we are confident to be deeply involved with each other. Where there is nowhere – within us – we dare not tread for fear of being rejected. The relationship we choose to share ourselves 100% we have to choose with great care.

The relationship may well be the relationship we have with ourselves. That this relationship is 100% honest. That we do not lie to ourselves and take 100% responsibility for the feelings that exist within us.

It is not in all our relationships we want to be 100% present. With some relationships, it may be a good strategy to share only 20% of ourselves. Our job is simply to be aware of when it is a deliberate strategy. And when it has become a habit. Is it a habit, knowing that we filter our heart 80% of our healing. The remaining 20% ​​consists of courage.

We must quietly train ourselves to dare share more of ourselves. Practicing to tell others how we feel and experience things. And be ok with what we have shared, regardless of the reaction we get. As we do so, opening up more of our heart, we turn down automatically our criticism and condemnation of others.

I think that is a great benefit.

To increase being present demands a lot of us, but we can start small. Practicing at the dinner table and at the family reunion, with our girlfriends, at lunch with co-workers or tell our boss, we always wanted to say.

If you choose to walk the path, do the inner work that is needed. Train your ability to be present in your life, and I think that we can create the most loving fusion families.

The deeper we dare to share ourselves the more we will receive. And the greater the sense of freedom we will have.

The feeling of freedom is for me a huge motivation to go down that road.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Are The Clubs You Are a Member of Good for Your Blended Family Life?

I recall with pleasure my teenage years where I almost blended perfectly with my girlfriends.

We used the same slang, were wearing the same clothes, were in love with the same boys, saw the same TV shows on television. It was like being a member of a special club for a selected few.

There is something healing about being a part of something bigger. Having people in your vicinity to be reckoned with. People who understand you, share similar interests and have the same humor.

The feeling of being associated with others who cherish a right into your soul.

If we will sabotage ourselves we make sure not to surround ourselves with nourishing club members. We feel alone, outside and yearn for something bigger. Or when we become part of a fusion family, we come to participate in inappropriate clubs. Clubs that in no way give us anything or directly drain us. And our family relationship.

I call them Bitching Clubs. Here we bitch about things. We find cohesion in the complaining. It could be the club for Stupid ex-wifes/men, Club for Excruciating Fusion children or Club for Boyfriends who do not discipline the children.

When we are members of these clubs, we cultivate all which doesn’t benefit us. We spend our energy on everything we don’t like. Yes, then the Universe delivers. And there will be more to complain about all the way into our consciousness. Do not go there.

What you focus on, you get more of.

So focus your loving energy on what you want. Solutions. Participate in clubs where you will get support and lift from each other to look at what the ex-wife or fusion children trigger in you? And how can you take responsibility for these feelings. Without doing the others wrong.

If we are good at self-supporting, we make sure to surround ourselves with people and join clubs that lifts and nourishes us. People who reflect ourselves and our desires beautifully.

Affectionately,
Charlotte

If Everything Goes Wrong in My Blended Family, I Can Take Care of Myself!

I am independent. In every way. I do not need anyone. And not a man. I hate the idea that someone has to decide over me. I enjoy knowing that I can always leave if my desire for freedom gets intense. Or if I feel  threatened.

I fear ending up like my mother, whom in my whole childhood, has been supported by my father. He gives her pocket money. How humiliating and pathetic is that.

These thoughts and stories were controlling my life and my way of being in a relationship.

My mom is happy with the solution, my father and her chose. But me, I am completely opposite and have a desire never to sacrifice myself like that. – “Earn your own money and be independent in your relationship” was my decision for my life. That was my strongest motivation.

I reached my goals. Earned a lot of money. Could take care of myself. And never depended on a man.

But I was never in the relationships I had dreamed about. It surprised me really, because I thought I was mega funky. When I became a part of my Fusion family, my stubborn retention of my “independence” was almost caricatured.

Only now I understand that loving and nurturing relationships and my attitude cannot be reconciled. I now understand that it is my Ego and The Little Part of Me, which was successful in convincing me that happiness is: Be aware and stay independent.

Happiness was not there. It made me lonely, critical and judgmental. I dreamed of a sense of deep intimacy, spaciousness and loving care. Being closely connected to someone.

The Big Part of Me now feels that my relationships, both my husband and children, but also to others becomes more and more loving and nurturing, as I dare show my vulnerability, and put words on my feelings and not listening to The Little ME, who sings long sad songs about not letting people get too close.

I feel strongly that my sense of nurturing and supportive relationships increases proportionally as I open my heart, share parts of myself and use my heroism daring to show my vulnerability.

The more I dare to give of myself from my vulnerable inner parts, the more love and care I get in return. It gives me so many great moments.

Sincerely,

Charlotte