How Do You React When People Indirectly, Without Words Reach Out To You?

What would our world look like, if we gave our fellow human beings what they need, when we meet them?

How would my mom feel like, if I give her the care she needs, when she is holding her stomach and with a faint voice says hello, when she lets me in?

What would happen, if I acknowledge, that I see she is feeling bad? If I stop ignoring her wordless need for care? Sometimes “too much” “too excessive” “too often” and “too weak” to me?

How will she feel about it? How will I feel?

 

Charlotte Egemar Kaaber

Wordless appeals drain my energy, because I replay this scene over and over. Analyze it back and forth. Need to talk about it. Get acceptance and understanding of my feelings. Make sure that I am not the one who is in the wrong.

It’s like I think I’m changing reality, if I stay in my resistance long enough. Suffer long enough.

I work best with direct communication; I need a, b, c. That works for me. I understand. I respect that and it makes me want to meet the need.

But the world doesn’t operate that way. At least not in my world. In my world we all reach out to each other. Wordless. Me too. Although we will not admit it. So we all do it from time to another. And in different situations.

We all need care. Need to be seen. Understood. Loved. Being taken care of. WITHOUT having to ask for it.

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It feels SO good to be understood by another human being, who sees what we need. IN this moment. And give it to us. Completely without making counterclaims.
It is deeply nourishing to receive.

It is worth pondering, that we use more energy to be annoyed at a person, than to give that person, what we can feel he/she needs. And especially, if it doesn’t require anything special of us.

But we often react with all the baggage of the past and past episodes. And it’s the thoughts from previous events, which are the reasons, that we will not give another human being, what he/she needs. We are planning strategically. Conducting score systems. Collecting points. Remembering. Hold grudges. Thinking if “everybody wants a slice of my pie, then there is nothing left for me”.

We have no opinion from situation to situation, but from ghosts of the past and Future potential risks.

How does this approach benefit us?

My guess is; a sense of separation, where we could have felt closeness and connection.

The fact is that not everybody wants a slice of our pie. And not everybody will come rushing with demands from morning to night. It is a story we tell ourselves,
not to feel obligated.

But we do not protect ourselves, when we keep the world out at arm’s length. On the contrary. We keep love out.

What will happen if we collectively today resolve to give our fellow human beings, what they need, completely and without reservation and “you owe
me”?

Will it open your heart? My heart? The heart of the person, who is the subject of our care?

I think we all feel even better. Feel even more loved, seen, understood, important and valuable. When we are lovingly filled up within us, then we can benefit from giving to the next voiceless appeal we meet on our way.

I give at least give my mother a long, loving and warm hug next time I see, that she needs care.

Do you get done what you want in your life? Are you in an action-SPIRAL or in a inertia-SPIRAL?

Most of us know deep down what is good for us. What is needed, is that we have the optimum in all our areas of life.

We know what and how to eat.
We know how to work-out.
We know if the job we have, has been nourishing for us, or simply a source of regular income, so we can “survive”.
We know about the relationships we are in, if it makes us more of who we are or less.
We know that the friendships we have, if they are complete us or drain us.
We know about the place we live, if it nourishes or depletes us.
We know whether we are satisfied with the way we fill the roles we have; parent, girlfriend, step-mother, daughter or sister.
We know, if we choose to learn from the life situations we experience, or if we choose to be overthrown or do other wrongs.

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber
We have all the answers we need. We HAVE an overview. We know the “action areas” that need to be taken care of and adjustment. But we have not done anything about it. The days go by. Tomorrow I will do something about it. On Monday I will. Next year THEN I will take action.

When we do something, it’s often all or nothing. We keep at it for a few months. Then we are back. In a blistering ACTION SPIRAL or a massive INERTIA SPIRAL.

WHY? I think it is based on several things:

The desired result. Our “WHY” (do something about it) is not motivating enough or defined by anything outside ourselves. Society. Traditions. The family. Norms. Should and would.

We have become “addicted” to emotions. The familiar is safe for us, EVEN though it is bad and destructive for us. We are not accustomed to feeling good in all life areas. We are confident with our mediocre satisfaction. We talk with friends about it. We find comfort in what is hard and unfair.

We do not want to take responsibility for our lives, because we can not foresee the consequences. We are trying to figure out what will happen, IF we do something about things. It overwhelms us and makes us paralyzed, so we stay where we are. And perhaps numb out to keep going.

Are you at all WORTHY of The Good Life? Is it ok that someone like you is doing well, or does it fit with the story you created about, what you can accomplish in this life? The stories we tell ourselves are very important for what we imagine we can accomplish (and are worthy) of anything and everything in our lives. Is YOUR life story supportive or abhorrent?
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Maybe you are thinking: It is not normal for me to feel good. There has been SO much bad in my life, that I no longer believe that something positive will happen to me! I have given up. Just trying to survive as best as I can. To you I would say: You CANNOT be POWERFUL and a VICTIM simultaneously. You have to choose. You can ALWAYS choose to go down the drain with your life situation or emerge through it – with an open or a closed heart. Know that love really is the only thing. EVERYTHING else is the ego’s fear talking. We choose whether we are listening. Although it is unconscious.

Are you trying to imagine WHO you will be if you take 100% responsibility for all your life areas working optimally? The answer may seem daunting to many of us. Who or what can you say GOODBYE to, if you demand the best for yourself in your life? What kind of opposition from others would occur, if you did something about it? What impact would it have on you? The answer seems overwhelming, so we remain who we are.

Perhaps in your reality, you do NOT know anyone who does not have drama in some area of their lives. Who do you even talk to and about what, if complaining or drama is not in the game? Are you lonely? Who can you talk to about your desires and wishes, when you decide to create the best life you can possibly have?

Charlotte Egemar Kaaber Family Mentor
I was at the funeral last week. My wonderful, loving second-cousin. 46 years old. With three small children. Suddenly she was removed from this earth. Unexpectedly and suddenly.

It made a deep impression on me.

I always think I have tomorrow. Or Monday. Or next year. But I do not actually know.

I magine how my second-cousin in the coffin is looking back at her life.

Her loved ones. Her footsteps. Her contributions to the world. To other people. Was she proud and happy about the life she had created? I hope she saw how many people who had come to say thank you and goodbye. She was loved. By so many. She had played her role of a lifetime so incredibly beautiful.

Nothing like death trigger reflections on life!

I looked at my own life. Am I happy and proud? Today? Right now? Although I hope for tomorrow. And yet another Monday. And a next year. Is there something I would like to change?

The answer is YES, there IS something I want to do something about. In respect for myself. And to support myself in the “version” I want to be, I now walk the steps.
One small step at a time.

It need not be large, hard step I take, but small loving step in the direction that nourishes me and where I am proud of myself.

Which tiny steps can YOU make today, so that you can become your future self? And again tomorrow?

Let us reach for the stars.
Let us inspire each other to turn the inertia spiral into a loving and nourishing action spiral, so we do not settle.
Let’s talk solutions instead of problems.
Let us strive to create harmonious fusion families instead of discordant (by doing what it takes).
Let’s talk possibilities instead of limitations.
Let’s rewrite an inhibitory life story into a supporting one.
Let us open our hearts again and again, EVEN when life challenges us.

 

Fusion Family Mentor - Charlotte Egemar Kaaber

Let’s squeeze as much joy and love out of life as we can.

This also applies to the love of ourselves.

Let us use death as a memorial to Celebrate Life. Every day.

Sincerely,

Charlotte

Do You Feel Like You Are on Constant Alert 24/7? Ready For Battle? Ready to Escape From Your Stepmom Role.

When we moved in 12 years ago, I began to sense what awaited me. It began as an increasing inner turmoil, I gradually felt more and more uncomfortable in my own home. And in my own body. I was on constant alert 24/7. Ready for battle? Ready to escape? Ready to defend myself? Maybe all three?

 

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I do not really know. I know I felt like a ticking time bomb. My antennae were constantly out looking for signs of things that could be used against me. Only when I slept, could I rid myself of the draining feeling of wrongness that lurked beneath the surface, every time I was in contact with my husband’s children. I was afraid of them, but I could not tell anyone. It was embarrassing. I was the adult and they were just kids, just kids. How hard can it be! Difficult. Very difficult. At least for me.

To cover up my wrongness I went in slave mode. It is my solution when I cannot keep my emotions out. So I act. A lot. And for a long time.

I did all the right things. If you looked at me from the outside, I made an effort which was Oscar worthy. I asked interesting questions, baked, make lunches, and made favorite foods. Always including my stepchildren. I smiled, I did everything I felt was right and important ……….. but internally I was completely falling apart.

I chose the same strategy with my work. I worked like a maniac. I was paralyzed so much that I was no longer able to feel anything – other than a massive anger. Against my family and towards the world.

I simply could not stand ‘them’. I felt that they had conspired against me by behaving and manage their lives in a special way, ONLY to annoy me.

Stressed

 

I had lost myself completely. I lived in 100% response to what happened in my surroundings. I felt constantly on guard in regards to my stepchildren.

I created cunning conspiracy theories about what the reality was. Knew exactly what was going on in their heads. I could figure everything out! Nothing was going to take me by surprise.

The truth was that my husband’s children were more content with themselves than I was. It made me uncomfortable. I could not measure up to that. So instead of setting appropriate limits, I copped out by reprimanding my own boys and hope it rubbed off on my stepchildren. Or I would ooze of energy, in the hope that they would figure out what they should correct in their behavior.

If I was confronted with the fact that I oozed so much of energy, I denied it. Pure and simple! I said to my husband that it was his imagination. That I was happy and thriving. But he did not buy it!

He was angry, told me I ruined the mood of our home by not saying what needed to be said. At the appropiate time. He blamed me for not taking the emotional responsibility in regards to the children. That the children would internalize and feel wrong about themselves, when I cold not be the person I was, on all levels. One day he got through to me.

Suddenly I felt that what he said was true. I had lost myself. Completely. And I had turned it against the children. Against my family. Made my dissatisfaction their responsibility. I had spent all my energy projecting onto them, instead of finding the solution in myself.

Today, 10 years ago my journey back to myself began. And to this day is not over yet. There is more my family can teach me. About closeness. About cohesion. Along the way I chose to share all my experiences. Good and bad. Hoping to help other families in same situation. Easier and faster. And much less painful. What’s how my book ‘The Fusion Family – How to succeed with your blended families’ was created. And my online courses.

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Now I’m here working as a mentor to other stepmothers and blended families. It’s fantastic. It makes me so happy.

Honestly, it’s not about the kids, although it initially looks like it. It’s about you, your baggage and your limits. Trust my words. When you come out the other side, then you have found a calm and a deep understanding of yourself, your feelings and reactions.

You’ve got a strength you never thought possible. And it all starts with willingness. That you are willing to look at yourself and take care of whatever happens.Willingness ……. is your first step. Are you with me on this journey?

Give me a call and let me support you. There is a way and I will show you.

Much Love,

Charlotte

Are the DISCUSSIONS with your partner FUTILE? Understand WHY and WHAT you can do about it.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I INTERRUPT A DISCUSSION YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE HAVING AND I ASK YOU: “WHAT DID YOUR PARTNER JUST SAY?” OR I ASK YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU JUST HAVE SAID.

Most likely your answer is that you don’t know. You did not listen, because you are both concerned about the next argument. In leading a monologue, where both are pretending to be occupied by the issues, that got the discussion out of hand.

The discussion is going nowhere. No one listen. You are only concerned about being right. Both of you. A prosecutor. A defender. The roles are interchangeable. We go in circles. Over and over again.

We get NOWHERE, neither AGAINST or WITH EACH OTHER. And we do NOT develop as partners. But we pretend we are fighting for the relationship. And justice for ourselves. On behalf of “Fair Play” and for a complicated point system, that only you (and I) know the details of :-).

Charlotte Egemar Kaaber
Far behind the things that got it all to culminate, the truth lies hidden. The seed of our pain. The real reason for the discussion: There is a need we have not yet satisfied, and we now project it onto our partner.

All of us (almost) all do this. I do it. My husband does it. We are not communicating our needs LOVINGLY, CLEARLY and PRECISE. Earlier. Before the discussion.

Let’s pause and reflect on what it really is all about. Deep inside. For it is never about the laundry. The laundry is only a symptom.

But why is it so difficult for us to communicate clearly and honestly, WHAT we want and HOW we want it? And WITHOUT our mile-long explanations which nobody around us has the energy to listen to (not even ourselves).

Because we will not stand up for ourselves. Take leadership. So we hide. Convolute issues. Confrontational. Prosecutorial. Indirectly. Or we say: our partner can damn well figure it out … I should not have to explain… .. (fill in the blank yourself ).

The reason is that we do not want our emotions exposed. We do not dare to stand up for who we really are. Deep inside. Because we are not always perfect and polished. We are afraid to look at your innermost selves. For we believe that part of us is unlovable. And do not tolerate daylight.

What is so crazy is what we are trying to cover up, our partner (and the world around us) have already discovered. They know it very well! They sense it already from our energy! We cannot hide things. The energy behind it speaks always louder than our words.

Mod til at stille op til mig selv

Therefore, there’s really NOTHING to “reveal” about the way we are and the way we feel. It is a concoction. An ego-strategy.

We can confidently train ourselves to tell our partner (and others we have relationships with) what we want and how we want things. Lovingly, clearly and precise. Completely without condescending!

And while we’re at it, let us also decide to resign from our dysfunctional communication patterns:

  • The role of being a victim (having pity on ourselves)
  • The role of being a martyr (I do whatever I want to do)
  • The use of guilt and shame (I can’t believe he did that, I have done so much)
  • The use of power (I won’t give up until I get what I want)
  • The use of rightfulness (… I fight like my life depends on it ….)

But instead, let it be our common goal to communicate LOVINGLY, CLEARLY and PRECISE in our relationships. They will love us for it. :)

We get together. We leave each other. But we are still going after LOVE.

I love that so many couples dare to go after love once again. Although they have children. And although it went wrong the first time. I get so happy every time I meet people who are going for it again. And again. They believe in love. Fight for love. For love makes us feel good. Once it is clean and unconditional.

I meet newly in love couples. And a few who are close to giving up their relationship, because it is too complicated and painful. The pain has been greater than the joy.

My week is a typical example of life’s contrasts. One day, I visit a newly in love couple who would like a good start with their new Fusion family. They look lovingly and gently at each other. Have room for one another. Listening. Holding hands. I enjoy what I see.

Samhørighed i sammenbragte familier

Being soft-hearted, and share what I believe is necessary in order to create cohesion in their family.

Later in the week I meet couples who are about to break up with oneanother. Where blame and defense mechanisms are fully activated. Noone listens. Noone understand. Communication is depleted. The energy is relentless. Both suffer.

They may not even notice it. Right now. For the pain is too overwhelming. It overshadows everything. I am listening. Listen a little more. With an open and loving heart. Creating cohesion between them and me. They need to feel safe in my company, so they want to open up.

I question them. I challenge them. Each of them. Their words. Their truth. Their Reality. I feel the energy change in the room. New insights reach each of them. Gradually.

And suddenly there is a hole through! My hair stands up on my arms. I get tears in my eyes. I know that now we have come to the core of what it is really all about. When ALL else is garbage.

The feeling of being able to sit back comfortably in their relationship. Without struggle. Without blame. But with deep affection feeingl safe and loved – no matter what. You will care for me, be my rock, and I will open my heart and invite you in. It is where I am at its most beautiful, most vulnerable and strongest.

I am deeply affected when the transformation occurs. Feel deeply grateful to be able to help the process getting started.

In the car, I remind myself, that I have to remember to appreciate what I have. It is not self-evident or granted. The wonderful loving family I have created with Jégwan.

I know and feel that there is a loving way and I will do my very best to to share that with others.

In the name of Love,

Charlotte

Are you constantly arguing about the children? Understand why and what you can do about it.

IN THE BEGINNING OF MY FUSION FAMILY LIFE JEGWAN AND I FREQUENTLY ARGUED. VERY OFTEN ABOUT THE CHILDREN

He was too tough with my boys when he corrected their behavior. His charisma was too direct. Too strict. I thought.

I was sure that my boys could not tolerate his way of acting!

That was indeed what I angrily told him. Or more exactly yelled at him. I thought it was about him not liking the boys. That he thought they weren’t worthy of his love.

 

Fighting about the children in blended family

I didn’t get his long explanation about, that he DID like my boys, but not their BEHAVIOR!

In my world was boys’ behavior was proportional to how lovable Jégwan thought they were. For me, it was about the boys weren’t worthy, rather than that they DID something wrong.

The massive sense of wrongness was something I recognized ad nauseam from my own life. THAT feeling I defended my boys against, so they wouldn’t have to feel what I had endured.

Many quarrels later I suddenly understand that it was not about the boys. It was about me! About MY sense of wrongness. That I felt SO inadequate. That I was not good enough as a mother. Or partner for that matter.

IT WAS THROUGH THAT FILTER I SAW THE WORLD.

fighting in blended family

Subconsciously I sought in all situations for confirmation that I was wrong. A wrongness which had come to include my boys.


THE 5 STRATEGIES I USED TO STOP arguing AND MY RESPONSE

  • I made a wholehearted decision to trust Jégwan. Trusting that he liked my boys and WANTED the best for our fusion family. (The fact that I had chosen a decent man.)
  • I took ONE situation at a time and practiced NOT to react the same way as in ALL previous situations.
  • I lowered (by practizing) my protective mechanism and asked Jégwan to explain to me afterwards, WHY he had reprimanded the boys while SIMULTANEOUSLY reassuring me that he liked them. (It helped me a lot.)
  • I exercised DEEP breathing when he scolded the boys and experienced my feelings WITHOUT responding. (Calmed down my tiger-mom tendencies.)
  • I asked Jégwan explain WHAT he wanted to achieve by reprimanding the boys. When I understood that it was to develop and refine their social skills, I was quietly at peace with it.

I hope you can use my strategies in YOUR family life.

Look at what it REALLY is about it. Behind all the IMMEDIATE feelings.

Love,

Charlotte

 

Letter To My Daughter’s Stepmom

I had this beautiful letter translated from a Danish Magazine Ude & Hjemme – written by Louise Søgaard.

Read it and shed a tear. This letter from a mom to her daughter’s  stepmom will change your life.

TO MY DAUGHTER’S STEPMOM

I never wanted you here. You were not part of my plan. When I was little and I dreamed about my future family, you were never a part of it. I would not need help from another woman to look after my child. My family would just be me, my husband and our children – NOT you.

And I doubt that you dreamed about me. I doubt that you dreamed of having a child that you had not even given birth to. I bet that your plan for the future only referred to you, your husband and your children – never me or my daughter. And I’m almost completely sure that you dreamed of becoming a mother the day you gave birth to your own child – not the day you married your husband. And you never dreamed of having me in your life.
But God had other plans for us. When my little family disintegrated and became two families, I knew you would come.

I imagined that you would be the evil stepmother and that my daughter would not like you – at all and never. I was hoping that you would not be pretty and I prayed that my daughter would never look up to you. Her father would know that he had to settle for second best. I was full of gleeful evil wishes, because I did not realize that another woman could be a good mother for my daughter.

But then you appeared.

Blended family - divorced family

When we met, I must admit that I was jealous. You were supposed to be ugly, right? But you were not. You were brilliant and beautiful. The idea was that you had to be an old evil woman, right? But you were not. You were a sweet young woman.

My plans were ruined.

It did occur to me that you had just as difficult a time meeting me, as I had meeting you. I could sense it in you. But how could you smile so friendly at me? I had already prepared myself to hate you. Why would you ruin my plan?

I did not want to like you, but you made it impossible for me to hate you, and before long I learned to appreciate you.
You have accepted our daughter from the very first moment and you unconditionally loved both her and her father. What a gift to us all. You have involved our daughter in everything and she feels both loved and accepted. You prioritized her relationship with her father before your own relationships, and only a very brave and wise woman can do that with such grace.

I knew when her father and I agreed to go our separate ways, that there would be times when he would need a mother for our daughter, and I would not be there. I am so grateful that you were there instead. I am grateful that you are so tolerant in her teenage years and that you never refuse her. She needs a mother, both when she is with me and in your house and you made it happen.

You have respected my special status as mother from the very start. I am glad that you always ask me first before making decisions relating to my daughter. I know that we have something very special and that not many mothers and stepmothers send each other text messages to remind each other how much they love and respect each other. You are a gift.

Difficult

Because of you and your courage to be a mother to our daughter, she will be a better person. She will grow up more loved than I could ever imagine. It was not her choice her parents divorced. And although I do not wish that for any child, I am grateful that she now has four parents, who love her and each other. She is loving and caring because of it. And she has learned that pain and difficulties can be a blessing in disguise.

I don’t see you as a replacement when I’m not there. You are her mother when she is with you. And when she is with me, she is always welcome to call and tell you about her day. It makes my heart beat with delight. I feel an enormous pride when you put your arms around my daughter and give me a sincere loving hug every time we meet.
I know what it looks like when a mother cannot accept a stepmother in her child’s life. And I am more than grateful, that we are able to be better than that and do what is really best for our daughter. Thank you for being mature and respectful enough to be the mother along with me.

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I promise that I will always respect your influence on our daughter. I promise never to belittle you or mention you as a less important person, and never say anything that will make you feel like less of a mother to our daughter than I am. I promise to raise her to be grateful to have two strong and courageous mothers in her life. And even though our relationship is idyllic, I pray that she will never have to experience a divided family again. But would she happen to have a life like ours, I will do my utmost to be a good role model for how a cooperating mother would behave.

Beautiful woman. You are a rare and beautiful find.

God bless you and I love you.

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I hope you enjoyed the letter as much as I did.

Love,

Charlotte

How Do We Stop Treating The Symptoms And Instead Ask For Help in Due Time or Even Better Prevent Issues?

We do it in all sorts of areas. I do this in several areas. My clients do it to great extent. Particularly in their fusion families.

We are pushing a snowball in front of us. The warning lights HAVE come on. Several times. But we’re pushing and pushing until the snowball has become so big that we can no longer move it.

It has become a monster and frozen completely, turned into ice. JUST THERE we find out that we cannot remove it from the roadway. We must ask for help. NOW ….. EVEN BETTER YESTERDAY. Everything is chaos around us.

Stressed

When the pain has become so intense that we can no longer stand it. When we can no longer bear to be part of our family, or be in pain, or with friends or at work. THEN we ask for help.

We are FIRST ready to change, when the pain of being where we are, is BIGGER than the desire to change.

Is that not something to think about?

We wait as long as we can before we ask for help.
For many families it has unfortunately gone so wrong, when they meet with me that it is close to impossible to undo the damage. Everything has been completely entangled, emotions run riot and the arguments are out of control. Unstoppable. And unfortunately to no use.

It really does not matter whose fault it is. Who said what. And why. It just feels important when in the middle of the discussion, but never in the long run.

I would like for us to become better at navigating and adjusting in accordance with the results we get in life. All around. In health, family, work, and mentally.

If you cannot single-handedly create the results you desire, ask for help. THE FIRST TIME. Do not wait until everything is chaos around you. And preferably in the beginning, so that you start out correctly!

You can also choose to play the money card. That you cannot afford help. To you I would like to ask: What is your family life, your health, your mental health worth?

If you were told that you had a terminal illness and it would cost $20,000 to treat or you would die. Would you then find the money?

YES it could be you. Think about it… If we want it bad enough, anything is possible.

Life is fragile and NONE of us know whether we are here tomorrow.

I think we owe it to ourselves and our families to do what it takes. EVERY TIME. And in time.

Write or call me today or tomorrow, or get help from the person you have always wanted to work with. Do it. It pays off.

Create a wonderful weekend.

Are You Deep Inside Afraid of Your Partner’s Children?

When I met my husband 12 years ago, I never imagined that his two children would become the source of my greatest personal development.

I grew up with a belief that it is the adults who have life experience and live out their wisdom. They know how to live life the right way. It is the adults who provide knowledge and guidance on to the children. “Children should be seen and not heard”, is a saying I often heard in my childhood.

Soccer Referee Showing Yellow Card

I have never felt that I was interesting as a child. That I was worth listening to or my opinion was worth anything. I was brought up with the feeling of not being a “real” human, but a human “in the making.”

Until I became real person, it was just about learning from the adult authorities around me. If I did what they did. Did what they said, THEN I would do well.

Of course I wanted that!

I never got to feel like a real person, but still as someone who was taking shape. When I was 30 years old, I still didn’t feel I had fully developed and ready to take on life.

Then I met my Jégwan! Oh good! I was amazed how much his children were a huge part of his life. How much he listened to them. How much their opinion counted. And how MUCH they were allowed to talk.

Jégwan viewed his children as equal human beings. It was mind-blowing for me to experience that! He recognized fully that his children came with a wisdom that he could learn something from.

They were used to being seen, heard and recognized for the people they were and what they stood for. They had self-worth and confidence.

I did not know then! Therefore, it was a huge challenge for me, to be a fusions-mom to two children, who were more emotionally mature than I was.

I was approximately four years old emotionally, when I met them. My reactions were like a 4 year old. I was provoked, angry and did them wrong.

The reality was: I was SO scared of them. They scared me with their well-developed language and their tranquility.

At that time I did not understand that it was about me. Not about them.

I know now that they tore up the old internal wounds, as it was now time to heal. The children also showed me the side of myself, which I had to integrate and balance, so that I could become whole.

FusionFamilyBali

What a ride! Slowly I began to pull my projections back from other people and look for the wisdom of EVERYTHING what provoked me and made me angry.

The journey is not over yet, but my 4-year-old self has grown up and has turn 40.

I have never felt better about being me than I do now.

How To Choose The Best Coach / Mentor For Your Blended Family

I’ll give you my six great tips on what is important to consider when you want to select the best coach / mentor for your blended family.

TheExtendedFusionFamily_red
# 1 Google
Try Googling the person you are considering hiring and see what information is available on the web. Is he/she completely invisible or is there activity indicating current interest and passion?

# 2 Chemistry
Do you like him/her? Does his / her picture on the website show charisma?
Do you like the point of view and the way the coach writes blogs and articles? Do you feel connected to him/her? Do you feel the person behind the written word? Does the writing resonate with your own point of view? Would you like to learn from this coach and are you curious to get to know the person?

# 3 Spiritual Outlook
Do you see it as an advantage for you and your family that the coach has a spiritual outlook and combines his/her “hands on” coaching with a spiritual solution for your challenges? If this is important to you, it’s a good idea to find a mentor / coach who has grown / worked to develop their own spirituality.

# 4 Recognition
What do other clients say about the coach? Are there testimonials from clients on the site?
Has he/she written books / articles on issues about blended families? Google your way around to read a bit of it on the web. Like what he/she writes? Does it make sense to you?

# 5 The Coach’s Individual Results
Is it important to you that the coach has created his/her own functioning blended family or is it okay for you that he/she only has a theoretical knowledge?
The answer to this can be found on the coach’s website. Most likely under ‘About Me.’

If it is important to you that the coach has his/her own blended family, you can check if he / she draws on own experiences and what has worked for them in their sessions.

# 6 Write or call the coach
Call the coach to get a sense of his / her energy or write an email outlining your issues. Ask the coach to briefly describe what he/she thinks will be good ways of dealing with your challenges.

Use these 6 points when choosing a coach / mentor for your blended family.