A selfish person was the worst. The synonym for a bad person.
I felt a great inner satisfaction by keeping an eye on the others. Indignantly I would point my finger at some one, as soon as I saw them behave selfishly. I ran a tight inner score board. Me vs. the outside world.
I constantly measured my friends’ behavior and I made sure to always be ahead on points.
As a child I was shown that selfishness was a bad thing. An almost criminal and unforgivable behavior. A trait which made me unloved. Unsympathetic. Friendless. Something I had to hide the fact that I possessed.
The seeds of my “pleaser” gene had been sown.
I never defended myself. Did not listen to what my needs and wants were. Was only concerned with what others thought, felt and did. I customized myself. Had subjected me. And did my best to always deliver in relation to the expectations that I thought others had of me. I had to not disappoint any one.
In no way was that the life I dreamed of. On the contrary. It made me angry and judgmental and I took it out on my fusion family.
Now I do realize that the only thing I really can be, is selfish. I’ll take good care of myself. Before others. Only I am responsible for fulfilling my needs. It’s not other people’s responsibility. It’s mine.
Good balance is created when we fill ourselves up first, before we do something for others. We must give to other people from a “full cup” for them to feel good about receiving. Caring comes from our emotional surplus.
If we give to others from an “empty cup”, we easily angry at the world or feel sorry for ourselves, because the world did not satisfy our needs.
When we do something for others, we must train ourselves to do it with a pure heart. Without expecting anything in return. Only because we want to and NOT because we want their recognition of what we do, should be the real motivator. Then we set ourselves and others free.
I think it is worth going for.