I was asked that very question in (yet) one of my self-help books. The author wanted me to reflect on the issue and if I, of course, unthinkable, did not like the answer I thought the kids would give, I had many years to rectify the situation, hopefully.
The author further urged me to ask my husband, on a scale of 1-10, how good a wife I had been this week. If I scored low I had to ask him what I needed to do in order to obtain a higher score.
I was not prepared to hear the response from my husband Jégwan. The probability that I would be angry, feel unfairly treated and NOT seen was great. I know (from experience) that it is a bad idea to ask questions, if you do not want to hear the answer. I was a coward. I admit it.
But the question about what the kids would say about me if I was no longer alive, I regarded as fairly harmless, so I went for it and asked my youngest son Jonas.
“Jonas, when I die, what would you say about me to your friends?” From his facial expression I suddenly felt that I would not get the answer I expected, so I quickly added that he could answer anything he wanted and I would not get angry.
Jonas looked hesitantly at me and replied: “I would say that you were such a health conscious mom, who often got angry at me and cursed me out.”
I manned up, swallowed my automatically generated defense speech, and asked what I should do differently going forward, if I were to change his view of me.
I should stop being so mad at him, because he didn’t like that, which I understood perfectly well, but I was getting angry for a reason and it was important for me to know if he understood why I got angry.
He did indeed. We found a good compromise, where I had to give him a clear reminder that now it was about to go wrong for the two of us again. Then he would be able to choose to act and or do something different and I should be more aware of when he triggered something in me.
I even had the courage to ask him again after a few months. And I got praise.
“You are doing much, much better now, mom.” I was told.
That made me really happy.
Maybe it seems like a trivial exercise, but it is incredibly powerful, because based on the feedback we receive from our loved ones, we can assess how well we are doing.
It is through feedback we learn something about ourselves and then be able to improve ourselves.
The feedback we receive hopefully reflects the person we want to be. And if it isn’t so, we should change our behavior, so we can get a more desirable feedback.
I hope you let yourself be inspired by my story and conduct your own ‘test’ within your fusion family, if you have the courage and desire to do so.