Fusion family or not, everybody wants the same; a nourishing relationship with their family. Being in a family where there’s okay to be who you are. Where love is unconditional and not dependent on how you behave and what you do. To know you are loved no matter what.
Projections and arguments accumulated to win the battle
I know that life in many blended families is dominated by quarrels and conflicts. Blame and projections, arguments accumulated and all energy are put into making the other part feel guilty. The battle to win is intense.
This way you will not get the result you want. Therefore, it is advisable to adjust towards the desirable outcome. What do you want more of? And what do you want less of? Find out what to change in order to get another and better result. Without change there is no gain. What you focus on you get more of.
Conflicts as an opportunity for personal growth
I will suggest a different path, a method that transforms the way of viewing the world. It requires that you are ready to take 100 % responsibility for your feelings. Consider conflict as an opportunity for personal growth. And stop asking your family members to change themselves.
Everyone in your blended family can be allowed to be who he/she is. No need to change themselves, to make others comfortable.
This method requires in its simplicity that you consciously choose to use the family as a mirror.
The point is that you are triggered by something. Instead of responding to the outside, look at the situation as a catalyst for a new awareness. Choose to see the situation as a mirror that shows an imbalance or a part of yourself, that now has the opportunity to get integrated or balanced.
The family members reflect the development issues
Let me give an example: The man in the blended family is really good at relaxing and enjoying himself whereas the woman feels she is constantly working and fixing things around the house. When the man’s “laziness” triggers her, she can instead of cursing him out and making him in the wrong, use the situation to grow and change.
She can ask herself: What does my husband show me, is it something I do myself and should stop doing? Or is it something I need to do myself?
The woman is being triggered by the man because he reflects a development issue. That she needs to relax more. When she gets the “mirror lesson” she should take responsibility to give herself what she needs.
Sometimes the mirrors which are held up are not quite identical. Sometimes you have to look carefully for the reflection.
For example, if one of the kids are yelling and screaming really loud, you immediately want to ask the child to quiet down because you cannot stand it. Again, ask yourself: Does the child show me something I do myself and should stop doing? Or is it something I also need to do? What do the emotions mean? What do they tell me?
In this case it could mean that you have been raised by parents who taught you that it is not okay to shout and scream and especially not in front of others. Therefore you may have for years swallowed your feelings and not expressed them.
The child mirror you and you now have a chance to heal that side of you. You need to practice expressing your feelings.
If you choose to consider your family and the world in this way, then it’s fun to live. Instead of making others wrong and ask them to change, you can now choose to look at all situations as an opportunity for growth.
Magically, annoying situations within the family disappear, as soon as you’ve learned the lessons which the mirror shows.