The kind of feelings I thought came with our common history. The family bond.
It has been great grief to me to discover that this is not unconditional.
I had a deep yearning to be able to share myself. With no filter. To feel loved. Unconditional. Despite disagreements. And quite regardless of what I stood for, believed or did.
I thought that with the family relationship the ability to be 100% presence was given. That was a claim I could make and they could rightly expect the same of me. An unwritten covenant that we could go everywhere with each other. No taboos. Precisely because we were family.
I now understand that the ability and courage to be present has nothing to do with the family relationships. The ability to share yourself with others is all about confidence in ourselves. If we do not have that confidence then we cannot handle other people’s reaction to what we want to share with them, so we let things be. So do they. Family or not.
We fear their rejection. That we are wrong. Therefore, we filter our hearts. Tone ourselves down. Adapt to the expectations we think there are of us. Also in our fusion family.
A filter can be between 0-100%. If we have 100% filter on our hearts, we cannot give or receive love. At all. We cannot feel it in our hearts.
The experience of being present in our lives is proportional to the thickness of the filter we have put on the heart. We can only give and receive presence in relation to it. The same applies to our relationships. Also, our closest family.
We all need a relationship where we can share by ourselves 100%. Where there are no taboos. Where we are confident to be deeply involved with each other. Where there is nowhere – within us – we dare not tread for fear of being rejected. The relationship we choose to share ourselves 100% we have to choose with great care.
The relationship may well be the relationship we have with ourselves. That this relationship is 100% honest. That we do not lie to ourselves and take 100% responsibility for the feelings that exist within us.
It is not in all our relationships we want to be 100% present. With some relationships, it may be a good strategy to share only 20% of ourselves. Our job is simply to be aware of when it is a deliberate strategy. And when it has become a habit. Is it a habit, knowing that we filter our heart 80% of our healing. The remaining 20% consists of courage.
We must quietly train ourselves to dare share more of ourselves. Practicing to tell others how we feel and experience things. And be ok with what we have shared, regardless of the reaction we get. As we do so, opening up more of our heart, we turn down automatically our criticism and condemnation of others.
I think that is a great benefit.
To increase being present demands a lot of us, but we can start small. Practicing at the dinner table and at the family reunion, with our girlfriends, at lunch with co-workers or tell our boss, we always wanted to say.
If you choose to walk the path, do the inner work that is needed. Train your ability to be present in your life, and I think that we can create the most loving fusion families.
The deeper we dare to share ourselves the more we will receive. And the greater the sense of freedom we will have.
The feeling of freedom is for me a huge motivation to go down that road.