I am independent. In every way. I do not need anyone. And not a man. I hate the idea that someone has to decide over me. I enjoy knowing that I can always leave if my desire for freedom gets intense. Or if I feel threatened.
I fear ending up like my mother, whom in my whole childhood, has been supported by my father. He gives her pocket money. How humiliating and pathetic is that.
These thoughts and stories were controlling my life and my way of being in a relationship.
My mom is happy with the solution, my father and her chose. But me, I am completely opposite and have a desire never to sacrifice myself like that. – “Earn your own money and be independent in your relationship” was my decision for my life. That was my strongest motivation.
I reached my goals. Earned a lot of money. Could take care of myself. And never depended on a man.
But I was never in the relationships I had dreamed about. It surprised me really, because I thought I was mega funky. When I became a part of my Fusion family, my stubborn retention of my “independence” was almost caricatured.
Only now I understand that loving and nurturing relationships and my attitude cannot be reconciled. I now understand that it is my Ego and The Little Part of Me, which was successful in convincing me that happiness is: Be aware and stay independent.
Happiness was not there. It made me lonely, critical and judgmental. I dreamed of a sense of deep intimacy, spaciousness and loving care. Being closely connected to someone.
The Big Part of Me now feels that my relationships, both my husband and children, but also to others becomes more and more loving and nurturing, as I dare show my vulnerability, and put words on my feelings and not listening to The Little ME, who sings long sad songs about not letting people get too close.
I feel strongly that my sense of nurturing and supportive relationships increases proportionally as I open my heart, share parts of myself and use my heroism daring to show my vulnerability.
The more I dare to give of myself from my vulnerable inner parts, the more love and care I get in return. It gives me so many great moments.