The month of February is in the sign of love. Many places in the world celebrate Valentine’s day.
I think it’s a wonderful idea that we pay tribute to the greatest and most healing emotion there is. For the love of ourselves and others is what must carry us through life.
Maybe you’re the lucky one who has found love again. And at this time of the year you are considering how to tackle the situation. You have children and maybe your new found love also has children.
You are deeply in love, but are still considering to stay put. In the safe spot you know so well. The kids know. You are afraid of their reaction, their condemnation or sorrow. The situation seems just (too) complicated and confusing.
Go for cloud nine
Deep in your heart there is a great yearning to give yourself to your new love. Dive into it and give yourself permission to live on cloud nine. You know deep down that there is something in this world, you ought to listen (more) to and can rely 100% on. That thing is your heart.
Since I am a hopeless romantic, who loves all the stories about the genuine and all-absorbing love, I will with this blog help you find the courage to go all the way. Bet everything on love. Do not settle. It is simply too good and too important.
Before we start looking at which reactions you can expect from your children, I ask you a few reflective questions to support you in holding on to love, in case you encounter resistance along the way.
When you’ve chosen the best partner who will work hard to invest and care for your children, then:
# Why do you feel guilty towards your kids? Remember you are a great role model to them, who show and dare to stand by your choices, and also walk the path of love.
# Do you think deep down, it is reasonable for your children to indirectly determine whether you should be with your partner or not? This is an adult decision and the children have no right to veto. It is also a huge responsibility to indirectly make our children responsible for our love life.
# What do you think would happen if you made decision about your children’s love life? They would most likely not allow you. Surely they would object to your interference.
Keep the above answers in mind when you read on and remember also that they unwillingly (perhaps) test you on, how determined you are in your decision.
This is how you can expect your children to react to your newfound love
If you’ve been alone with your children for a period of time, you can expect some of these reactions:
#They become angry at you. Feel great concern for the other parent. How will their mother/father feel if you found a new love?
#They become angry and jealous and feel your new partner is a threat to them and that they must compete with him/her for your love.
#They are sad because they think they are ‘in the way’ and you’d rather spend time with your new partner.
#They become possessive and might want to have all your attention, so there is no room for your partner. Maybe they talk non-stop.
#They might threaten you with wanting to be with the other parent, if you want to be with your partner, while they are at your place.
#They can also react with silence and non-verbal blame, where you almost become non-existent in their universe.
First and foremost, I reassure you that none of the feelings our children may have in the beginning of our newfound love will persists. The immediate reaction and the associated feelings change. Time is in our favor.
Children will get used to the new situation. Just be very patient and caring, and very loving, insistent and persistent in your communication with them. And most of all, stand firm on your decision.
Do not second guess yourself when it comes to your decision, that way you only extend their “grief process.” If they sense that they can make you feel guilty or better yet, they’ve made such a big scene that you consider ending the new relationship, because it is not worth it, you might suddenly feel.
Breathe deeply and stand firm. It’s just a phase, although a very tough one.
Depending on your kids’ reaction, it is important that you try to listen to their reservations about your relationship, so you can understand their concerns. Try to reduce their feelings of loss or grief through loving actions.
Just remind yourself that you should not give the children permission to wedge themselves between you and your new partner. You should not feel that you have to choose. You are entitled to both. You need to lovingly explain to them what you expect and require of them.
Explain to them also that you are sure that your newfound love will make you a better parent.
Allow your children to respond freely, while comforting and listening
If you follow my advice, you as a parent take 100% responsibility for the situation. You set the children free to respond naturally so they do not have to speculate about what will happen now or whether you are now confident in your decision.
You have explained to them what they need to know and slowly be able to recreate the assurance that you are still in their lives and everything will be alright now with a new love in your life and a new adult in their lives.
Let them quietly get used to the idea and give the same answers (often on the same question) when they ask over and over again, just to make sure that you still think the same way.
I hope that my blog post has given you (some) courage to lead with an open heart when it comes to love.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Love,
Charlotte
Loading...
