The victim takes less than 100% responsibility and martyr takes more than 100% responsibility.
I know both roles well, because I am one of those women who can vacuum quickly and loudly. Fold the laundry in an energetic manner so that everyone around me is not in doubt that I am efficient. Performing and taking responsibility for their house and their clothes.
At other times I look down sighing loudly when I’m sure my husband can both see and hear me. I feel sorry for myself. I feel exploited, abused and worn down. If it were not for them, I would have a much better and easier life.
I could get an Oscar for both roles. I play them to perfection.
Looking at this from a distance, it seems almost ridiculous and a little funny, that I still resort to those roles when I “should” know better.
I do know better. I understand that I may choose to take 100% responsibility for my feelings. Yet it requires great awareness and responsibility, not to resort to the Martyr or the Victim role, which I know so well. Yet it is comfortable and I know the outcome.
But who am I, if I really take 100% responsibility for my feelings? Taking responsibility to stop in time and ask myself what I need and then give it to myself, instead of projecting the negative energy onto my family and give my children, husband and fusion children the blame for what is not working in my life?.
I really enjoy making them bad guys and me the heroine of my own staged drama!
When I use my energy to assess and blame my surroundings for their errors and shortcoming, I might as well also give them the appropriate blame and responsibility for my feelings.
Meaning that I do not have (the time) to look at what is actually happening in my life. The real cause of my feelings. What it is that really frightens me and makes me scared to think about.
If you don’t move towards fulfilling your desires and start listening to your inner calling, you (often) start projecting your frustration onto your family.
Seemingly a smart strategy, but it didn’t have the desired outcome; neither of loving presence nor of personal growth.
Maybe you’ve also tested it and have had the same bad experience. If not, please do not go there.
Practice instead stopping in time and take responsibility for what you feel. When the urge to resort to the victim or the martyr role arises, you can lovingly ask yourself why you need to sabotage your personal growth and what makes you feel uncomfortable or scared? Talk about what it is really all about. That you e.g. afraid of listening to the desire to have your own flower shop or coaching business.
Forgive yourself when you choose to play the role of the martyr or the victim and know that there is something deeper behind that you need to look at, when you are ready.