I did not want to be considerate and to compromise for their sake. I was afraid to miss out on things in the real world, all the exciting and magical things, which could bring my life stardust.
I hated having to provide practical things like lunch, dinner, shopping and laundry. There were so many other exciting things I could spend my time on. That really made sense and that was not a waste of my precious time.
I’ve been venting so much in my martyr role that everyone around me was not in doubt that they were in the way and should feel great gratitude that I “sacrificed” my life, so that they could get food and have clean clothes.
I have felt guilty living my life that way. And was afraid that others noticed how bad of a person I really was. So I camouflaged it by “being on track with everything practical.” No one could put a finger on my efforts. I made sure of that.
My otherwise very warm heart quietly turned cold. As if a thick grid of barbed wire surrounded it. I kept people at a distance. Even my own family.
I felt that other people had done something to me. Abused me. Especially my family. Now I know that it’s not so. I have myself. I pulled myself away from them. Both physically and mentally. As a form of survival strategy. So I could stand being in my life.
Today I finally understand what happened.
I did not take 100% responsibility for my decision to be in a fusion family and the consequences it has. On top of that, I didn’t take 100% responsibility for my feelings and my needs, but instead used my family as the target of my unfulfilled creative needs.
On the other hand, I took more than 100% responsibility for family practically. I let myself exceed my own limitations. Both for myself and them. Did not take responsibility for defining what I wanted and what I specifically wanted to make time for.
I did not make an agreement with my husband to take turns to be with the kids so I could get a break. I just continued on in a martyr-like manner.
Now I do something else.
I practice every day to choose myself, as my main priority. I make time to do what makes me happy and allow myself to take breaks. Very often. In spite of the practical things that I should fix. It’s not easy, but absolutely necessary.
I practice having high energy and good humor despite all the practical things. And have become quite adept doing laundry with some good audio.
I train my ability to delegate tasks and be peaceful with the dust which should be removed. Just not when I’ve decided to write.
Giving priority to make more of what makes me happy gives me a surplus of energy and a deep joy. And I want to kiss my kids and my husband.
And it has been amazing to find out that when I am a good and loving person to myself, then I get BOTH stardust and great moments in life.